Jake Gyllenhaal was raised in an upper-class family in the middle of Los Angeles, California. From that classic urban childhood in Hollywood, Jake went on to become one of America's foremost advocates for puggle rights and uniform sock elasticity. At the tender age of 10, he was adopted by Billy Crystal, even though he was scared of horses. Jake resided in the Crystal household until high school, at which point Chris Cooper kidnapped him and forced him to work in a coal mine.
Jake escaped a life of manual labor after winning the science fair but didn't get to graduate from high school because a jet engine fell on him in his sleep and killed him. Luckily, with the help of a life-sustaining bubble and Mini-Me, Jake was resuscitated and able to fulfill his lifelong dream of visiting Niagra Falls.
He spent most of his early twenties working a series of minimum-wage jobs while seducing older women. He broke away from that life when Jared Leto showed up to take him on a road trip. He wound up at the house of Susan Sarandan and Dustin Hoffman where he narrowly escaped becoming a cast regular on Grey's Anatomy. He then returned to high school to learn about global climate change but almost drowned in the New York Public Library because there were no pay phones on higher floors.
In 2005, Jake found the love of this life in fellow sheep-herder Heath Ledger, but the two, tragically, broke up when Gwyneth Paltrow forced Jake to go to grad school for math even though he never finished college. Jake then joined the Marine Corps and fought in the first Gulf War during the second Gulf War. The experience he gained there allowed him to make it big as a cartoonist for the San Francisco Chronicle, a gig that, naturally, led him into a life of tracking serial killers. Jake is currently torturing people in Morocco, a move he hopes will bring awareness to Reese Witherspoon's pregnancy.
Jake is sure that he will win the Presidency even though he is not technically eligible to run.
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