Phillipa: There's a big willy at home waiting for you!
I open my eyes, the morning after the sixth form party, not having a clue where I am. I look up, and see an unfamiliar ceiling. I look to my left and see my own face staring back at me - a mirror? I look to my right and there, lying in bed with me, is Rachael Bottomley, grinning very creepily. Me: Oh. My. God.
*awkward silence* Rachael Abbey comes running in. Me: RACH!?! What's happened? Why am I in bed with Bottomless? Rach: Long story Katie. Basically, you were all over each other. I couldn't keep you apart, bloody hell. So we put you in the same bed. Me: WHAT!?!?! Bottomless is currently wetting herself laughing. Bottomless: You do realise she's joking don't you.
*silence, realisation lingers in the air above my head. and then..* Me: YOU IDIOTS!!
Looking at Borny under the covers. Bottomless: That looks like the biggest erection ever.
Borny: Newport, get your cock out. Newport: I'm not getting it out here and now.
Me: I WANT A BIG WILLY!
Me: Ergh, Bottomless was in the girls' P.E changing room watching all the sweaty ones get changed after athletics. Bottomless: Yeah, and I was sweaty for different reasons ;)
Me: Your leg isn't as meaty Jonny. Jonny: It's just pure muscle. Me: What? Jonny: That wasn't my leg you were feeling Katie.
Me: That's a bit harsh.. Rach: Your mum's harsh. Me: Your face's harsh.. Rach: I'll face your harsh. Me: I'll mum your face. Rach: What!?
Helen: Isn't that a pregnancy dress?
Mum: So, when do your SATs start?
Ian: You should play guitar Katie. Me: Why? Ian: You'd be good at it if you got good at it..
Me: If you grew manboobs would you shave them off?
Very drunk. At Frank's. Ian's about to walk into Frank's bedroom. Me: Ian, dont go in there!' Ian: Erm, why? Me: (whispering) That's where Frank sleeps and has sex! Frank: Katie im stood right behind you.. Me: Yeah, I er.. I mean the other Frank
Me: What's that light coming through the window? it's really bright.. Ian: That would be the sun, Katie.
Me: Honestly though, if Greeny wasn't straight he'd OBVIOUSLY be gay. Sat outside at Frank's party in the wind. Paul: Katie, what's the matter, why are you crying? Me: THERES GOING TO BE A HURRICANE! WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!
Mrs Elm: *in German/Australian accent* OK GOIYS
Jonny checks his answer phone. 3 new messages. First message. Me: (drunk) JONNY!!!! JONNY!!!! WHERE ARE YURGH!? YOU ARE EVERYTHING I EVER WANTED. THINGS HAVE CHANGED !!JONNYYYY
Ian: Pobody's Nerfect Matt: Yeah, true I spose.. Me: What? Pobody what? Ian: Switch the front letters round.. Me: N.. no.. No buddy is perfect? Ian: Oh my God Katie..
Me: Yeah, and you don't want people like McNally drinking entire bottles of white rum, then throwing it up all over my bush. Frank: *shifty look* Me: The bush in my GARDEN Frank. Oh my God.
Frank: Did you not know? Its "Black Awareness Month" this week.
Rach: My hair's not even black Newport? Me: Yeah, your face is black. Rach: Well, you're a nigger. Me: RACIST! SHUT UP. So anyway. Niggers right..
Rach: Newport even managed to get a girlfriend on that Paris trip.. Me: WHAT!? Rach: Yeah, Becky Beavers Paul: I remember that!! On top of the Eiffel Tower they- Me: YOU PROPOSED!?!? Frank hits me over the back of the head with a textbook.
Emma: So I'm gonna hand my notice in... I overhear. Wrongly. Me: Who's getting their nose pierced?!? Frank: NOTICE, Katie, handing in a NOTICE Ian walks over. Overhearing. Wrongly. Ian: Where did you work Frank? Frank: EMMA, not me! Aargh!
Smithies: We're supposed to taste like pork aren't we? We've got the same muscle/fat ratio as pigs. Jess G: So basically we're just pigs, with legs? Me: Pigs have legs, Jess.
Rachy is lying on the sofa under a duvet, frantically trying to switch the TV on with the remote - and having no success. Rach: ITS NOT WORKING!!! ARGH Me: What!? What's not working!? Rach: I'm pressing the HELP button and it's not helping me! Me: Rach, the TV isn't even on yet. I stroll into the classroom and shoot Cat a dirty look (as a joke) and then strut down the aisle of tables, pouting. I then trip over a chair leg, and fall into the window. Yet again, a proud moment for me.
Frank: I reckon Darkroom should do some Weird Al type songs.. Nick: I think your mum should do my mum.
Sarah writes "PENIS" on Ryan's head in UV ink. Ryan: What if I get an allergic reaction? Jonny: So? Ryan: Well I'll have a big red PENIS written on my forehead!
At Moes.
Whilst strumming a guitar, very out of tune, and singing in monotone. Ryan: Happy Birthday to You...
A hyper outburst in PEP Cat: Imagine what it would be like if you had wooden trousers?
At Louise's. Wasted.
NORWAY - HOLIDAY FUNNIES: *I pass Dad an earphone playing some music by Ludovico Einaudi* Dad: Oh God, it's Ginaldi. Me: Ginaldi?! Hahaha. You mean Einaudi?!
*Later - I pass earphone to Dad again* Dad: Is this Ginnebi again? Me: Dad, it's Dan Chadburn. Dad: DAN CHADBURN!??!
*we set off on the beautiful ascent in the shuttle bus, surrounded by snow covered mountains, glistening hillsides and bright blue sky...*
*5 second pause* Jack: What are we having for tea?
*Dad holds out a dish of parmesan* Dad: Anybody want some dandruff?
*whilst Jack was having a teen angst rant* Jack: I don't have any good qualities. Mum: Yes you do! Don't be stupid. Jack: Okay then, like what? Mum: Well you're... kind.
Mum: He's a good egg, is Matthew.
Me: In what situation would you use your horn? Jack:What?!? Me: It's a driving theory question! Jack: Ohhhhhh...
Me: So Dad, tell us the goss. How did you meet mum? Dad: Well, I fell in love with her blue eyes. Me: Dad, Mum's eyes are green. Dad: Bluey-green Me: Dad, they're green. Dad: Greeny-green.
*pause* Jack: You can get people with green eyes?!
10:30am Mum: Jack, it's half 10, I'm going out now. 11:30am Dad: Jack! Get up. 12:30pm Me:Jack? Jack. JACK!? 1:30pm Dad: Jack, it's lunchtime. 2:30am
*Mum returns*
"Where's Jack?!"
"He's still in bed."
Mum:Can I have a go with the plinning spate? Helen: Don't you mean Spinning Plate?
Mum: Haha, do you want to play the game or not?! Me: I'll play *your* game. Mum: Pardon?
..from the film "In the Line of Fire" Mitch Leary: I have a rendezvous with death, and so does the President, and so do you if you get too close. Clint Eastwood: You have a rendezvous with my ass, motherfucker!
Clint Eastwood: I'LL BE THINKING THAT WHEN I'M PISSING ALL OVER YOUR GRAVE!
Mum has spent the past half hour doing a quiz out of a teenage girl magasine Mum: I'm a grape!! It says I'm a grape! Me: You've spent half an hour working out that apparently, you're a piece of fruit?
Me: AAAAAAAAAA! Mum: Oh my God, what's happened? Me: Oh, it's okay. I thought there was an insect in my bra. Mum: Katie, thats a tiny piece of black fluff.
END OF HOLIDAY FUNNIES
(discussing music exams) Me:I'm crap at scales, but Aural tests are the hardest. Jonny: Yeah *snigger* Ian: Yeah, I bet you find Oral difficult don't you.. Me: I know! I only get like.. 9/17, it's only because I don't have much practise with my teacher Ian: Hahaha, urgggh, Katie. Me: What?! I don't! I'm shit at Aural. Jonny: Oral.. Aural.. Katie, innuendo? Ian: Just wait, she'll get it eventually.
*five second pause* Me: Oh!! As in.. Oral sex!! Ian & Jonny: Oh my god.
This never fails to amuse me.
(in drumroom practising carols for concert)
*door opens & some kids walk in* Miss Jackson: Sorry, but we're practising in here.
*kids go out* Miss Jackson: Right, okay-
*door opens again*
*everyone stops and looks.*
*Nick walks in wearing a Santa hat, looks shiftily around the room, then runs out*
Dan Ed: *picking nose and eating it on school minibus when he thought no one was looking (in rhythm to music on radio) [i was actually crying with laughter]*
Me: You big gayman. Ian: Your mums gay. Me: Bit racist? Ian: Er.. bit rude. Me: Your mums rude. Ian: Sorry, what was that? You're gay? Me: YOUR MUMS GAY. Both: Oh my GOD we have to stop this!!
(in German, *apparently* talking about passive sentences structure.) Miss Griffiths: The man has the action done to him, okay? Lets do it.
(in common room, one Monday morning.)
*Nick puts piece of paper on my head* Me: *looks upwards* Oh my god.. the ceilings falling on me? Newport: *snigger*
*Nick looks guilty* Me: What!?!? Newport: Katie. Nick put it on your head. Me: *blinks* Oh!
Ella: Whats an "accident"?
Miss Griffiths: Well, for example...say..."the man bit the dog." - that would become "the dog was bitten by the man" Class: Who in their right mind bites *dogs*?
The Menstruation Song (to the tune of Die Welt Gehort Mir - Blumchen)
Ich habe menstruation
Ich bin mude, krank und sehr shei-sse
Sehr shei-sse!
Ich punche Frau Gr*ff*th
Und ich stabbe in die Kopf mit Pen
Angenehm!
(round the dinner table at home) Mum: So did you get the boyzone tickets? Dad: Whats this? Who are you going to see? Mum: Whats his name Katie? It's Ronan Keating isn't it? Dad: Rowan Heating? Is that a band?
(in Drama) Me: Well now I'm really horny. Rach: Dammit just give me a man. Me: Oh god... Samera: Katie have you had your hair cut? Me:Nope? Why, does it look shorter? Rach:It's cus your hairs wet. Me:Er.. it's cus your mums wet.
Ian:Du bist ein Frau Bub. Me:I'm a womanboy?
(in Drama with Miss D) Miss Dunkerly:Well, it does add a touch of class.. Katie Laurie:Urgh, you want to touch the class?
(in German) Ella:How do you spell the F word again?
(at the school hockey tournament) Ellise:Katie's a Koala Bear Cat:No, I think she's a sloth. Me:Why am I a slag?
Woman from Benton Park:*stupid laugh*
Cat:What shall I put on my shirt? Me:Dunno, put "sweaty minge" or something..
Ellise:Hahaha, Phoebe, apparently your name is "Phobe"?
(at paul's - rather wasted.)
(discussing penis sizes AGAIN *roll eyes at lads*) ian:we all know there's nowt there greeny.. greeny:funny, from what i hear, you're about as big as a tadpole. me:what are you then, a shrivelled cocktail sausage? greeny:no i'm more of a meaty german salami.
(whilst looking for crappy christian bands on youtube) me: eurgh, theres one here that says "christian band gets naked.."?!? matt: er...? what?! don't click on it! me: click on it? why? ok... matt: NO, *DONT* CLICK ON IT! me: shit, it's loading!
*silence*
me: oh! it's not *a* christian band. it's Christian Band!
(at morrisons checkout) cat: oooh he's typing in his pin :O me: what is it? i know what mine is.
*pause* frank: well, that's good..
(at pauls house) me: whats that meat button on the microwave?
*presses*
*stupid manic laugh* me: cool.
cat: let's do some german activities me: what are gendal activities?
(whilst doing german translation work) anna: shieden? doesn't that mean "vaginal smear" or something? me: erm...
(discussing penis sizes) jack: [to borny] yours is a grass snake, mine is an anaconda, and katie has a toy rattlesnake she keeps in her top drawer ;P
(sophie walks in with a plate of chips covered in sweet & sour sauce) frank: what the HELL is that? laura: that looks lik- frank: DEATH!
me: THANKS *SO* MUCH FOR PICKING US UP OHMYGAWSH!!! taximan: well..that IS kinda my job love..
me: do boys have bladders?
cat: haha, look at that house for sale me: hahah.. why would you want to live in the middle of the road?! cat: er.. my mums buying that house. me: shit, sorry. really?
(in the car) me: we had loads of names for our band though they kept changing it. greeny wanted it to be "RESURECTION" or something.. helen: oh! *we* did about erections in sex education today me & matt: what?! helen: erm? oh. right.
cat: what are you doing? cat's sis: your mum.
ian: did you know that if you rearrange the word cucumber it spells gullible? me: what? seriously? ian: yeah me: *thinks*
ian: PERIPERI me: no, it's TIMMYTIME!!
Fall in love or fall in hate. Get inspired or get depressed. Make babies or make art. Speak the truth or lie and cheat. Dance on the tables or sit in the corner. Life is divine chaos. Embrace it. Forgive yourself. Breathe.
I like to sing.
..
And I like being young.
Music
Music makes me happy :]
IHaveSeen.. Boy Kill Boy/The OnOffs/Graham Coxon/Hard-Fi/Breaks Co-op/Missy Higgins/The Pidgeon Detectives x 2/Ed Harcourt/Snow Patrol/Shut Your Eyes and I'll Burst into Flames/That Fucking Tank/The Duels/YESBOSS/iliketrains/Forward, Russia!/Mystery Jets/Orson/The Automatic/We Are Scientists/The Feeling/Muse x 2/Placebo/Gliss/Mumm-Rah/Alterkicks/Blood Arm/Aurevoir Simone/The Noisettes/S Club & S Club Juniors/Captain/The Howling Bells/Steps/Archie Bronson Outfit/Black Wire/Blue/Laura Groves/This Et Al/Sky Larkin/Grammatics x 2/Colon Openbracket :(/Travis/Juno Falls/Hadouken/Rilo Kiley/Grand Ole Party/Orenda Fink/The Hamiltons/The Ghost Frequency/Newton Faulkner/The Streets/Dirty Pretty Things/Rodrigo Y'Gabriella/The Wallbirds/The Rifles/Team Waterpolo/The Wombats ..live!?
Movies
The Truman Show
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
Atonement
Memoirs of a Geisha
I like film. But I prefer theatre :]
Heroes
My mum.
My friends are just heroic.
Hannah
Known this one all my life, quite literally =]
I just love this girl.
I rarely see her now, however.
Thats is a *very* bad thing.
She has the most amazing hair, possibly the biggest and best out of anyone I know.
We have little visits to York and read the Big Issue whilst eating M&S sandwiches.
Infact, we have *class* ^^.
She has the best living room in the world = it's orange and it's brighter than you.
She shared her first true crush with me.
Stephen Gately from Boyzone.
But then we realised he was gay.
And moved on =]
Cat
I'm not sure what it is about her, but she's a little bit uber.
We have the most random conversations.
About yellow bins, and wooden trousers.
And LOL at Neilsen.
Her house is my second home.
And her family are brilliant.
Especially Bud's choice in music xD
She shares Bev and near misses in driving.
And reminisce about old times at good ole Menston.
She also keeps me fairly sane, which is a good thing. ^^
This ones a keeper, I must say. =]
Rachy
Beautiful lady Rachelle.
She is my sunshine.
She always has this wonderful grin --> :D
Even if it's raining.
She well got turned on by the naked man.
But I don't mind.
She's completely huggable.
And has the oddest laugh EVER.
She likes to buy expensive make-up, that I can't afford.
But she looks fabulous with or without it =]
Practically bosom buddies.
YER MUM this. YER MUM that.
Rachy is actually like, my second mummy =]
Ian
How much do I love Ian, like alot.
My big gay bear.
We talk about ducks, like alot.
He has smells-nice hair that I smell when I feel sad.
And try to plait but I fail =]
And *cannot* do the "oh, okay :)" but he tries.
I practically live at his house sometimes.
Because he helps me when I'm homeless.
He feeds me cookies =]
We tried to fall out once, on purpose.
But it didn't work, because I ended up snorting with laughter x]
It just shows.
*SPAZ SMILE*
I do love my friends. They are like the cookies in my lunchbox.
..
Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth, oh, never mind,
you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can’t grasp now, how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked, you are not as fat as you imagine.
Don’t worry about the future, or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.
Do one thing everyday that scares you.
Sing.
Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts,
don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours.
Floss.
Don’t waste your time on jealousy, sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind, the race is long, and in the end, it’s only with yourself. Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults, if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.
Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.
Stretch.
Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life, the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives,
some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t.
Get plenty of calcium.
Be kind to your knees, you’ll miss them when they’re gone.
Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll have children, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll divorce at 40,
maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. What ever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance, and so are everybody else’s.
Enjoy your body, use it every way you can, don’t be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own.
Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.
Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them.
Do not read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.
Get to know your parents, you never know when they’ll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings, they are the best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future. Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.
Travel.
Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old, and when you do you’ll fantasize that when you were young
prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.
Respect your elders.
Don’t expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out.
Don’t mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will look 85.
Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia,
dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth.
Everybodys free =]
^^ Talk :]
Frank says: Ahhhh, Katie wood, good old Spud. Katie is loved by everyone (especially me) and is known mainly for her insanity and her incredibly large use of sexual inuendo. I have to say my life has gotten a lot more interesting with Miss Wood running around, limbs flapping asking for races and I am glad that it is different. More surreal, more drug related. To sum up how I feel about Katie I must say this, Katie I too love you like a human'.
hiya :) glad you like it :P hehe
were playing on the 3rd April at Royal Park Cellars, but were trying to get summat in Guiseley sorted sooner :)
how are you anyway, been up 2 much??
xxxConor
Just Watch the Fireworks
soz mush was just driving through on the way home the other day and thought wow its all christmasyified XD how u doing ? good holiday ness? xxxx [nick]
Why hello there miss Katie :) I think Lloyd added you but still il say hi :p Its Conor btw, how are you anyway, havent seen you in awhile, not since parkers party :D you been up 2 owt crazy??? xxxxConor JustWatchTheFireworks
..HOPE YOUR SPECIAL DAY IS PERFECT FOR YOU IN EVERY WAY BLUEBELL*
..WISHES FOR YOUR ENTIRE BIRTHDAY WEEKEND AHEAD TO BE AS BEAUTIFUL AS YOU ;) ..PEACE & LUV & LUCK ALWAYS .......ROB & TODD.. ********************************
Hello. 
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