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Why do I love Bob Saget? WHY do I love Bob Saget?? Why do I LOVE Bob Saget??? Well.... ..>........> I think that just about sums it up. Questions?

Not to whore myself (I only do that for a steak dinner), but feel free to check out my little t-shirt shop...hopefully there's something in there that will offend pretty much everyone...(it's a work in progress, since I know nothing about html, etc..)

click here to check out my new sick and offensive line of t-shirts

Key things you need to know about me: (besides the fact that I swear like a sailor) Oh, and YES, I DO change my profile background so that it will match the current color of my hair and/or current photo! Thanks for noticing!!!

1.) EVERYTHING is funny to me and nothing is off limits...so if tales of boogers, farting, shitting pants, vomiting, ass sex, retards or my love of dwarfs bother you....move it along.

2.) If the music is cheesy, I will love it. The cheesier the better. I am a closeted broadway diva (aka: wannabe fag) and I cannot live without it.

3.) I'm much happier at a dive than at a five star restaurant. (Do not read that as I am a cheap date!!) <--because I will eventually suck the soul/life out of you and so things even out.

4.) I have a very unhealthy love of the following men: Bob Saget, Steve Guttenberg, Jack Lord (rip), Chuck Woolery, Richard Dawson and Andy Gibb. Should I decide we might date, know that I may call upon you to help me live out my Rick Springfield/young teen groupie fantasy or my panty drenching Jake Ryan/Samantha Baker get it on in the coat room at the dance fantasy

5.) I love porn - would it kill someone to make ONE fucking midget porn with an actual little plot (no pun intended) instead of some cute little tater tot with a viking hat on with a dildo on the top of it and some girl hopping up and down on it?

6.) If you are bad, I WILL spank you...and hopefully leave marks. You will like it...you will want more.

7.) If I could only eat five things for the rest of my life, they would be Slim Jims, grilled cheese, white manna hamburgers, movie popcorn and coffee ice cream.

8.) I am a klutz and manage to break body parts in very comical ways.. I broke my thumb running up the Rocky stairs in a blizzard and Rod Stewart hit me in the face and broke my nose. If we go out, it's best to always have a first aid kit handy....actually, it's always best to have bail money with me...but a first aid kit would be swell too.

9.) I love Opie and Anthony and lil' Jimmy Norton. They epitomize my disgusting sense of humor....if you think they're vile, you will find me completely revolting and we just won't get along. If you are a Howard fan, I simply do not want to know you - don't bother, don't ask.

10.) I secretly want to be a "Suicide Girl"...but will have to settle for being a "Suicide Granny"!

11.)I would like to open a pub called "Pussy McDougals" - where I will be drunk every evening, singing torchy songs and touching those young hard tight bodied college boys and girls inappropriately as I urge them to come to Auntie's house after the bar closes.

12.)I cry at everything...commercials, Dr. Phil shows, movies: happy endings, sad endings, sometimes the haunting bitterweet sound of a high pitched fart can make me all misty - if you can't be a pal and offer your sleeve - skeeedaddle!

13.) Give me a can of Flarp, some playdough or some fake wax teeth and I am happy and entertained for hours.

14.) I am competitive and will want to beat your ass at anything we do - shooting hoops, darts, hot hands, video games, dominos....anything....I am a pitbull and I don't like to lose.

15.) I will make your ears bleed if we go to karaoke. I will embarrass you by singing such 'hits' as "My Sharona", "Talk Dirty To Me" and "What I Like About You" and will 'over drink' in a vain attempt to make myself sound better, which will - in fact - only make me vomit and pass out on the bathroom floor. What can I say, sometimes I'm a nervous nelly.

16.) Anything you say and do can and will be used in future blogs of mine....so just hypothetically saying: if you don't want everyone to know that you paid a black craigslist tranny named Naomi $100 to do you in orlando in the midst of being madly in love with me - then don't pay a black craigslist tranny named Naomi $100 to do you in orlando if you are madly in love with me. It's pretty simple really. (again, purely hypothetical situation used as an example). If you enjoy this particular 'kink', I'd be happy to watch, participate (would it technically be considered a foursome if the third person is a shemale?) Ahh, but I digress...I would hold the camera, draw courtroom sketches of the encounter, bring you guys water, you know be 'useful' in some way - Sure, I'll still think you're a man-whore, but at least I could trust you.

17.) I like taking nice long walks...preferably in the middle of the night...preferably in, say....Camden New Jersey...just any place with a high murder/rape rate will do....I find it invigorates me..gets that heart rate up...and really gives me time to think.

18.)No, Bob Saget does NOT have a restraining order against me - and WHY do people always ask me that?!

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Always interested in meeting fun, funny, mentally challenged slightly (to very) dorky people with a sick sense of humor. Bonus points for trannies**, crossdressers, shemales and game show hosts. If you have a stump (that's NOT in your pants), I want you to be part of my posse immediately. **NOT the hypothetical tranny mentioned in the previous section, however.

Actually, anyone who has actually taken the time to read my whole profile and still thinks "hmmm, she sounds cool" is someone worth meeting!!

The better question however is "Who I'd NOT like to meet"....Two words: Neil Diamond (he really IS the devil!!)Also, Bea Arthur and anyone who currently is or has ever been a Carnie or has had labia rejuvenation.

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