Alright, this is the breakdown.
To cover everything (emotionally, mentally, socially, etc.)
I never thought I'd still be as good of friends as I am with Chance. I expected it to die out, but thankfully it never did. For that I am monumentally grateful.
I won't be coming home for leave any time soon, In about two months though, I'll be coming home for 2 weeks. Yay.
I've been thinking a lot about a girlfriend and that kind of thing lately. I'd had someone in mind for a very considerable amount of time. Not that I thought we were perfect for eachother, but we did get along really well. I didn't tell many people that we talked that much, I more or less kept our friendship a seperate relationship from my other friends. Most people don't even know of her in any way.
Since I joined the Navy, things didn't really change, we still talked, not much, but enough. Then it just kind of came to me slowly. Everything that attracted me to her, I realized was not the kind of thing that I needed to make into a relationship. It was all things that just defined a crush. Which was good to have, but not in my current position. So...it died.
I stopped liking her like that, and pretty much all feelings died out besides our friendship. Then our talking next to died. And man was it dead.
Then it picked back up, and I almost got involved in the routine again. But luckily I stopped myself. So now I can control it as just a friendship. I just hope she didn't feel the same about me, because I really don't want to hurt her when I have the talk with her about how I really do feel.
I've come to understand and assess myself a lot better after boot camp and everthing lately.
I realize that my honesty is always a good thing, and rare as well.
I tell white lies to some people, just to entertain them, or I may exaggerate details to people I try to make my friends, espically with all the new people I'm meeting, but that's normal as far as I can tell. Everyone wants to impress others to make themselves accepted and I think it's ok.
But as far as true honesty. I haven't flat out lied to a single good friend of mine in a very long time, and to be certain, and close friend I don't think I've ever lied to.
But when I think about it, at one time or another, my closest friends have lied to me, about something serious, which makes it worse. And that makes me very angry. I put a lot into being honest with people and if I get caught in a lie, I admit it, or make sure they knew I wasn't making it a serious point.
But I think the few close friends I have left are still there because of their honesty, whether it be about their problems or life itself. Which is extremely commendable.
I've also been thinking about why people feel comfortable talking to me and trusting me.
So far I've come up with nothing. I mean, I have friends who barely trust another soul outside of their family, and tell me things they don't even tell them. I don't get it, but I definitely don't like it anymore.
It's way too dangerous. To have that kind of investment in someone puts a lot of pressure on them to keep thier good name and trustworthiness.
I have secrets that have the potential to destroy certain things and I don't like the idea of that person actually trusting me to keep it. Not that I won't but I don't like responsibility and it adds on a lot.
I can't complain though, trust builds healthy relationships, and I definitely need that, so I'll shut my mouth and keep my ears open.
I've helped a lot of people over the years, but I can imagine my help might of hurt even more, and that kind of scares me.
Besides that, I've tried to think of what I have to offer that girl that decides she wants to spend the rest of her life with me, and keeping a mental list has kind of made me angry at myself.
I look at girls and see the guys they involve themselves with and I get so sad at the fact that I know I would be with them in a heartbeat just because I know I would treat them the way they deserve, and I know me and Chance have this same thought too.
It really does suck being the good guy. To do the right thing every time, and get blown off, just to watch the girl go off and hurt herself again. It hurts until it kills.
It's making me calouse, and abusive, and I hate it.
But when can I do, honestly?
These are just simple complaints of my present situation just to pass the time, and saying them helps to get them off the chest." And your eyes must do some raining if you are ever going to grow.
But when crying don't help and you can't compose yourself.
It is best to compose a poem, an honest verse of longing or simple song of hope.
That is why I'm singing..."