Alright, this is the breakdown.
To cover everything (emotionally, mentally, socially, etc.)
I never thought I'd still be as good of friends as I am with Chance. I expected it to die out, but thankfully it never did. For that I am monumentally grateful.
I won't be coming home for leave any time soon, In about two months though, I'll be coming home for 2 weeks. Yay.
I've been thinking a lot about a girlfriend and that kind of thing lately. I'd had someone in mind for a very considerable amount of time. Not that I thought we were perfect for eachother, but we did get along really well. I didn't tell many people that we talked that much, I more or less kept our friendship a seperate relationship from my other friends. Most people don't even know of her in any way.
Since I joined the Navy, things didn't really change, we still talked, not much, but enough. Then it just kind of came to me slowly. Everything that attracted me to her, I realized was not the kind of thing that I needed to make into a relationship. It was all things that just defined a crush. Which was good to have, but not in my current position. So...it died.
I stopped liking her like that, and pretty much all feelings died out besides our friendship. Then our talking next to died. And man was it dead.
Then it picked back up, and I almost got involved in the routine again. But luckily I stopped myself. So now I can control it as just a friendship. I just hope she didn't feel the same about me, because I really don't want to hurt her when I have the talk with her about how I really do feel.
I've come to understand and assess myself a lot better after boot camp and everthing lately.
I realize that my honesty is always a good thing, and rare as well.
I tell white lies to some people, just to entertain them, or I may exaggerate details to people I try to make my friends, espically with all the new people I'm meeting, but that's normal as far as I can tell. Everyone wants to impress others to make themselves accepted and I think it's ok.
But as far as true honesty. I haven't flat out lied to a single good friend of mine in a very long time, and to be certain, and close friend I don't think I've ever lied to.
But when I think about it, at one time or another, my closest friends have lied to me, about something serious, which makes it worse. And that makes me very angry. I put a lot into being honest with people and if I get caught in a lie, I admit it, or make sure they knew I wasn't making it a serious point.
But I think the few close friends I have left are still there because of their honesty, whether it be about their problems or life itself. Which is extremely commendable.
I've also been thinking about why people feel comfortable talking to me and trusting me.
So far I've come up with nothing. I mean, I have friends who barely trust another soul outside of their family, and tell me things they don't even tell them. I don't get it, but I definitely don't like it anymore.
It's way too dangerous. To have that kind of investment in someone puts a lot of pressure on them to keep thier good name and trustworthiness.
I have secrets that have the potential to destroy certain things and I don't like the idea of that person actually trusting me to keep it. Not that I won't but I don't like responsibility and it adds on a lot.
I can't complain though, trust builds healthy relationships, and I definitely need that, so I'll shut my mouth and keep my ears open.
I've helped a lot of people over the years, but I can imagine my help might of hurt even more, and that kind of scares me.
Besides that, I've tried to think of what I have to offer that girl that decides she wants to spend the rest of her life with me, and keeping a mental list has kind of made me angry at myself.
I look at girls and see the guys they involve themselves with and I get so sad at the fact that I know I would be with them in a heartbeat just because I know I would treat them the way they deserve, and I know me and Chance have this same thought too.
It really does suck being the good guy. To do the right thing every time, and get blown off, just to watch the girl go off and hurt herself again. It hurts until it kills.
It's making me calouse, and abusive, and I hate it.
But when can I do, honestly?
These are just simple complaints of my present situation just to pass the time, and saying them helps to get them off the chest.
" And your eyes must do some raining if you are ever going to grow.But when crying don't help and you can't compose yourself.
It is best to compose a poem, an honest verse of longing or simple song of hope.
That is why I'm singing..."
le end.
Fuck!
Bob just got real ^_^.
lol
My parents aren't abnormal, they are amazing btw.
And my kids! They won't be eating rocks, gots to find a women with perfect speech, and our powers will combine and form flaw free kids :P hopefully.
I truly believe we have a lot more in common than we think.
I'm proud of you for making it as far as you have.
Miss ya!
Well Andy I'm a bad friend and didn't read your post until 9 days after you posted it....
And i knew all along about you and the girl, even though you tried to be a whore and hide it from me... can't fool your bestie nigga :). I don't understand how you can just click shit on and off but its sort of a skill i think...and just because you joined the navy man doesn't mean you need to go off and find your life mate soo soon...you know that. I guess thinking about it doesn't hurt, but if i did that i'd just be frustrated because i'd want that person now...so i can get started making some more Mahons. :) But refering to ashley's comment i'll always be here man, i have utter and complete faith that our friendship will last the test of time...soo no matter where the navy takes you for the 4 years you plan to be in or the life time you spend in it whatever you decide i'll always be a phonecall away...or maybe a couple houses down :)
On the good guy thing it does blow, but its good in itself because maybe, hopefully us being such good guys allows us to miss all the potholes(girls not worth the time) on the road to happiness :p so one day we can just come to the end of the road and find what we wanted all along....but yeah.
I don't care what anyone tries to say, i miss you more than them...i mean maybe subconciously at ur going away party i fucked up my face to try to get you to to stay for fear i was going to die... lol my subconcious is selfish, think of that... haha. Nah bro but i do miss you a fucking ton....ur the only friend i could honestly call anytime and they'd want to hang out or go do something with me no matter what... that's a great feeling, some people get tired of me ....i guess you don't :) but its ballin besides the fact. haha. Well nigga when i come visit you i'm gonna bring couple bottles of alcohol we gonna get fucking wasted... and play video games :) unless we pick up some hoochies :) haha jk. but yeah bro can't wait to see you....
lmao ironically, i think you got the post the best. which works for me.
but besides all that hell yeah to potholes and leaving em behind.
and i love the idea of video games and alcohol. sounds like a blast, there's plenty of stuff to do around here that people talk about constantly and i've only been on base less than a week.
but besides all that man, love you to death, and i won't get tired of your ass. just your terrible mumbling mouth lmao.
'preciate it man.
You can't always be perfect, Andy. Yeah, people need to do the right thing, that's a given, but sometimes you need to do what YOU want. I mean you can't live your whole life doing what everyone else wants you to. No matter what, everyone will always love you, Andy, you're a great guy. No matter what decisions you make, we'll all always be here. Well...I take that back. Some people might not, but those are the ones that don't matter. It's the real friends that stick by you and your choices. Unless they're really destructive like becoming an alcoholic or a drug addict, but that's a different story, lol. <3 you, hun.
2 Kudos. Interesting post- it sucks that you feel that way.
Andy, you know what? I fucking love you dude. I just wish I could hang out with you before I go to Indiana, which will be next month. :/ I'd write more, but typing with a wii is a pain in the dick. You rock.