I am Jesse Blue. Now, that should be enough right there. When you hear these words, you just fucking know what's up. But in case you are lost, or have been living in a closet for the past twenty-six years, Jesse Blue will give you some facts that should help clear this up:
1. Jesse Blue was born in Alaska. Name five...no. Name ONE person besides Jesse Blue that was born there. If you have an answer, you're wrong. Period. You know who's right? Jesse Blue. Why? Because he's fucking Jesse Blue.
2. You know those Taco Bell commercials with that one full guy? Pfft. Jesse Blue does not know the what that word means when used to describe appetite. Jesse Blue once punched a baby calf in the head and knocked it out, and continued to eat the entire animal while it was still alive. Did this ease his hunger? Fuck no. You know why? Because he's Jesse Blue.
3. Jesse Blue currently holds the all-time record for the most forced suicides at 3,096,347 people. Jesse Blue just owns kids. Have you ever been embarrased, or made fun of because you were a living joke, or were laughed at when you family was killed in a car accident? You can easily trace this back to Jesse Blue. Jesse Blue just does these things.
4. Societal regulations and all laws of physics simply do not apply to Jesse Blue. Just for the mere fact that he is Jesse Blue. If he just takes your money, then toughen it up. You can't do shit about it. Except suicide, because Jesse Blue will laugh at you while doing it. When he says "Get the fuck off me" or "Get out of my face," it is not a command. It's a reflection of the present situation. You WILL get out of Jesse Blue's fucking face, absent of any free will.
5. Jesse Blue speaks nothing but the truth. It's a physical impossibility for him to lie. But he could if he wanted to, because again...he is in fact Jesse Blue. Anyways, he will say what is on his mind. If you are hideous, he will not only state it, but advise you to do something about it. Most likely using a power drill, gasoline, and a flame thrower. Because we all fall short of the glory of Jesse Blue, we have faults, and Jesse Blue will be there to point these out and remind you how inferior you are as a human being.
*These are FACTS. These are only a few sample factoids of the nature of Jesse Blue. However, these facts are unneccesary. Any explanation of his actions or legitamacy can be summarized with the phrase, "He's fucking Jesse Blue."
