It was formed with the intention to rape your ears, melt your face and make your eyes bleed with trauma.
THE 6 RULES
Horrid Face (They Who Dwell Within The Bree, may curses of rotting genitals be upon them) do not offer regulations, as they only rule. In which case, follow these 6 easy-to-die-by commandments, and dependent on how fast you can run with your legs broken, you may live to warn others:
RULE 6 - DO NOT LISTEN TO HORRID FACE. Should you listen to Horrid Face, we will wire brush your mother's lips off while she weeps over your twitching half-carcass.
RULE 6 - DO NOT WATCH HORRID FACE. In the unlikely event of you being able to watch a performance, duck & roll until the flames are fully dowsed, then find the nearest available exit from which to scream for help.
RULE 6 - DO NOT SMELL HORRID FACE. On involuntarily being forced to inhale near horrid face, flush the sinuses immediately with household bleach for a mildly less agonizing sensation.
RULE 6 - DO NOT INFORM ANYONE OF HORRID FACE. Should this arise, we will inform your doctor or GP and request that you be diagnosed with an unclassifiable disease, rendered unrecognizable by gaping facial sores, quarantined and left alone to suffer a slow and undignified death in total isolation.
RULE 6 - DO NOT BUY OR ENDORSE ANY HORRID FACE MUSIC OR MATERIAL. If you buy our music, we will become richer and make more. It's simple, much like your totally pointless existence.
RULE 6 - DO NOT BUY HORRID FACE MERCHANDISE. If, by some small chance, you find yourself at a Horrid Face 'Merk Desk'; crawl away at speed with your remaining limbs. If we see you looking at our merchandise, we will force feed you your own failed abortion omelette (if you're male; we'll cut you a new anal womb from which to haemorrhage - we believe in equal opportunities).
LEGAL DISCLAIMER
- Do not, under any circumstances, attempt to dispute The Causes of The Saints of The Bree in writing; Horrid Face argue so hard, they make only bullet points.
- Horrid Face do not indent their paragraphs, they punch them in the face.
- Horrid Face only use inverted commas.
- Horrid Face begin every sentence in Capital Punishment Letters.
- Horrid Case are upper case, you are lower.
- Horrid Face do not underline, they overline.
- Horrid Face write all their business letters using only the letter 'N' in Wingdings.
- When Horrid Face reach the end of a paragraph and hit return, they do so from the grave.
UNIVERSAL CONSTANTS
• Not even Ebola is immune to Horrid Face
• Al-Qaeda blamed 9/11 on Horrid Face
• From God, to Jesus, to Horrid Face
• Horrid Face disowned your mum
• On the 7th day, God failed at creating Horrid Face
• Not even Lenny Henry has more Ernie Awards than Horrid Face
• When Death takes a life, he gives it to Horrid Face
• Luke's father may be Darth Vader, but Darth's father is Horrid Face
• Jehovah's Witnesses refuse blood transfusions out of fear of contracting Horrid Face
• Joseph Merrick is the godfather of Horrid Face
• The Jews are to Hitler what your mum is to Horrid Face
ARTIST INTERVENTION POLICY
If you are currently a musician or artist, you should expect to have your live performance at some point infiltrated by Horrid Face. Should this occur, we strongly suggest that shortly after submitting to the Justified Agents of The Bree, you make your public apologies and hang yourself. Your time is over.
The list of those who have suffered live justice from The Prophets of The Bree are:
Eyelash
