www.myspace.com/seanlennon
www.seanonolennon.com

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2002

change is the only constant.

WHO: My buddy, Chris and I
WHAT: Belle & Sebastian w/ the LA Philaharmonic and The Shins
WHERE: Hollywood Bowl
WHEN: Thursday, July 06 @ 7:30pm

Hollywoodbowl.com: Belle & Sebastian...

www.myspace.com/belleandsebastianislove
www.myspace.com/theshins

"Some things in life can be worth the risk.  Anyone who has ever wanted something knows that you have to be prepared to take a risk to get it."  -- Code 46

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Today I was a reminded of the saying: "Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."  Yesterday, I went the whole day feeling fine -- no sadness, no remorse...I felt content with everything that had just occured.  It had surprised me that I had been getting over this so quickly.

Later that night, I had phone conversations with Brian and Cher.  Brian said that for some reason it felt weird for him to listen to everything that had just happened.  He never really said why it felt weird.  I don't know if it had anything to do with the fact that him and I were in this same position not too long ago.  He said that wasn't it, so I don't know why it felt weird for him.

Anyways, during my conversation with Cher, I told her that _ _ _ _ _ and I had talked on the phone in the afternoon.  I had texted messaged him with a "Hi. How are u?" And surprisingly enough, within a few seconds of sending that text, I got a phone call from him.  I told her that it was strange that I wasn't feeling weird about it (talking on the phone with him) and that I was getting over this so quickly.  And then I asked her: "Was any of it real???  Was that why it I was moving on so easily?"  She told me that I shouldn't even be asking that question.  She reminded me that it was REAL...the feelings were REAL.  She's right, the feelings were REAL...for me, they were very real.

I cried in bed last night.  I thought I was done with the crying, but I guess I wasn't.  I felt fine that whole day, but the minute I turned off the lights, turned on the stereo and got underneath that blanket, the tears began to fall.  In the darkness of my bedroom, I cried all alone.  I hugged my pillow for the least bit of security.  I just wanted someone there to help me wipe the tears away.

The feelings were REAL...and so is my wounded heart.

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I found something that I had written in a previous blog (2005dec).  I might've written the following when I was getting over Brian, but it doesn't have to do with just one person...it's about all of them.  More than anything, it's about bringing myself one step closer to freeing me from...myself.

No regrets.

catharsis: A purifying release of the emotions or of tension, esp. through art.

I cry not for pity, but because I cannot contain my emotions.
I never cry for pity, nor is it something that I seek out from others.
I write to let out all of my frustrations, because if I don't, they'll eat away at my insides.
I do not write to sound "whiny."
I create art to express myself and to purge my broken heart.
Even though they say that "time heals all wounds," a wound will heal, but you will always left with a scar.

That's how many pieces of tissue paper I went through last night, and this morning.  I even woke up in the middle of my sleep and just being reminded of what happened only a few hours prior, made my eyes water.

Another bandage to place on my heart.  Another emotional scar.  Another wall to build up around myself.

I hate crying and I'm tired of being hurt, but unfortunately it's something I'm getting used to.  I think about it...is there something wrong with me?  This is now the 3rd time this has happened.  What sucks is that I really liked this one...I liked him a lot.  He was the only one that ever made me feel tingly all over.

Two years ago, someone had once asked me how old I felt in a soulful sense.  I didn't give him an answer right away, but I slept on it and the following night I told him that I felt like a 42 year old woman who was bitter and hated men.  I really don't want to be that person.  And honestly, I don't think I can hate him no matter how much I try.

This stinks!

The one good thing about when shit like this happens it that I'm hit with a creative spark.  I tend to draw, take photographs, and write more often.  My way of purging my heart from all the hurt, pain and frustrations.  I seem to like my art a lot better when it's angry, sad and evokes some kind of emotion...it's a lot more real.

By the way, I don't want any pity...pity is that last thing I want.

Below is a quote from the movie Ghost World.  I actually have thought about doing it: detatching myself and just leaving everything behind and starting anew.  I know myself, and I'd actually go ahead and do it...all I'm thinking about is: when?  Maybe it'll happen sooner than later?  Or maybe it'll never become a reality and just stay a fantasy?
 

ENID: You know what my number one fantasy used to be?

SEYMOUR: What?

ENID: I used to think about one day, just not telling anyone and going off to some random place.  And I'd just disappear and they'd never see me again.  Do you ever think about stuff like that?

Last night, I cleaned out a box full of old papers and I found a post-it that I had written on.  It said:

"When we're born into this world, the soul we're given splits apart and half of it is given to someone else.  So throughout our lives we search for that one person with the other half of our soul.  Some never find it, but some are fortunate enough to find that missing link to make a person complete."

It's a nice thought, isn't it?

Years ago, I remember reading something an actor had said, it was something having to do with the fact that they didn't believe in the idea of just one "soulmate."  That it's possible to have more than just one "soulmate", because we as people are always changing.  We surely aren't the same people we might've been 5 years or even a year ago.  And whoever we might've been emotionally tied to at that moment might have fit that criteria of a "soulmate."  But as previously stated, people change, so then the standards, the criterias, the outlooks of your "soulmate" most likely changed also...and who you might've considered your "soulmate" 5 years ago, may not necessarily be someone you see as your "soulmate" now.

I don't know if I believe in the idea of one soulmate, or multiple soulmates, and I'm not even sure if I do believe in this whole idea of a soulmate at all.  But what I do know is that there are people who I once kept dear and close to me, and even though things may not have worked out with them, I'll always cherish the memories and be content with the fact that these people helped to complete certain aspects of myself.

I like to think that people are like puzzle pieces.  Whether it be a friend, an acquaintence, a teacher, a boyfriend/girlfirend, someone one you were emotionally involved with, or even a complete strange, whoever it may be somehow came into your life for a reason and impacted you in some way.  They might've brought upon some insight, filled you with knowledge, excited you with a new found interest, caused you to learn from your mistakes and even taught you something about yourself that you couldn't have realized without their help.  Eeveryone has a little something to give and a little something you need from them that helps you grow as a person.  And I figure that when that last puzzle piece comes along and completes you, this piece not only filled that one last empty hole, but has now caused you to overflow thus leaving an abundance of puzzle pieces for the both of you to start on a whole new puzzle together.

I want to learn how to play the harmonica!  I like the idea of being able to just stick a harmonica in my pocket or messenger bag and just take it out and play a tune whenever I want to.  And I think the sound that comes out of a harmonica is just really great.

My sister once said to me that it'd be nice if she could actually sing and carry a tune.  A decent singing voice -- the most portable of musical instruments.  It's a lot more convenient than lugging around my guitar all over the place.  (*note: my acoustic guitar is half my size.  Donna's height = 5ft2in)

I want to be able to play an entire song on the guitar (and maybe even attempt to sing along with it).  I took a Classical Guitar 1 class at school a few semesters ago, and learned to read music and play a few songs.  I did pretty well in the class and the instructor insisted that I continue on to the Classical Guitar 2 the following semester.  I never got a chance to take the class, but I kinda wish I had.  It was really good to hear encouragement from him...I can be a bit of a perfectionist.  I remember being at home and practicing for his practical exams: making sure that I was holding down a note for the correct amount of time, reminding myself to keep a steady tempo and to not speed up or slow down, and just actually reading the notes as I going along...I would always make sure that I could play the song inside and out and when I did, I'd practice playing with my eyes closed as another way of memorizing and learning.  And on the day of the practical exams, and when it came to my turn to play for him one-on-one, I might've been a bag of nerves starting out with the first 3 notes, but after that, I knew in my head that I could play the songs and everything just became smooth sailing.  The same thing goes for the Piano 1 class I took two semesters before the Guitar class.  The instructor said that I played really well.  I even had the lady who sat at the next keyboard piano always say how she thought I played beautifully.  :) 

I like to think that "Practice make better" (rather than "Practice make perfect."  If you think about it, nothing is ever really perfect). 

So yeah, I have two guitars (both given to me by Allan) and I feel bad that they're "collecting dust."  A week or two ago, I started practicing the guitar again, and refreshing memory on how to read notes.  I even played 2 songs for a few friends of mine while I was on the phone with them.  I played "Aura Lee" which has a similar tune to "Love Me Tender" and "When I Need You" by Leo Sayer (haha.  We learned that song in my Guitar class.  As well, as a few songs by The Beatles...hah, and for our final practical exam we played a little bit of "Every Breath You Take" by The Police.)  I should take out my keyboard and refresh memory with that instrument as well.   

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Oh, and I really want to learn to play the drums.  I remember a year ago, Arthur and I were over at his friends place, and they put on a little jam: Arthur on the electric guitar, Evan on the bass, and Arthur taught me a few things on the drums...I really liked it, even though I started to lose a little bit of rhythm when he had me add in the kick drum.

To those of you that can play an instrument, you get Bonus Points with me.

*And a little confession: Sometimes I like to air-guitar and air-drum whenever I'm listening to music.  heh.

overwhelmed with confusion...

it's been 2 weeks since i last cried.  the question is: what is it that i thought of, that made me begin to cry???  thing is, why am i crying over this again???

*buries face in hands*

oh hell, where are my cigarettes?

SHANNON!

haha.  Hearing that 80s song, "Let the Music Play" by Shannon really helped chipper up my freaking out/crap-shit morning.  It's one of those songs that I remember from my childhood.  I actually have a home recording of myself (on VHS, or course) at the age of 4 and that song was playing as a music video on the television, but the entertaining part was me dancing to along to it -- me twirling in circles, flipping my skirt up and around, up to the point where my white, ruffled panties became visible.  LOL.  I ended up dancing like that for nearly 5 minutes.  It's so embarassing watching that, but it's so funny.  My younger sister and I just crack up whenever we watch it.  Too bad it's on VHS, but thanks to technology, we're definitely considering transferring all our old VHS home recordings onto a disc.  My sis jokes about me about taking that little segment of my video and making it into a GIF file or a small movie clip.

Oh, by the way, one of the best things I can remember, was when I was at the thrift store last year, and found a cassette tape of Shannon's, "Let the Music Play."  All for the wonderful price of $0.99.

Ok, so that was just the background story to what happened this afternoon:
I was at home and I was listening's to INDIE 103.1's broadcast of Jonesy's Jukebox, which is of course is hosted by Steve Jones (for those of you that don't know, he was once the guitarist for the Sex Pistols.  He currently now has a 2-hour show on INDIE 103.1).  So, I'm listening to Jonesy's Jukebox and he usually has awesome guests and plays really great music, eg. David Bowie, The Kinks, Roxy Music, Kraftwerk, The Who, Queen, The Velvet Underground, Spoon, etc. 
Today's broadcast was a huge 180 from the typical Jonesy's Jukebox song line-up...which is so cool, because he always plays a wide variety eargasmic tunes.  But before I get into the playlist, I should mention that during every broadcast he has prize give-aways, and what he does is whistles and plays a song on his guitar -- it's basically a "Name the Tune" kind of thing.  So, you call when he says to call and you name the artist and the song or whatever else he asked fo.  And well, when this part of the broadcast came up, I had been in the kitchen washing dishes...he started whistling and playing the song, and what do you know, it was "Let the Music Play"!!  For some reason, it didn't compute and I hadn't thought about calling into the radio station to give them an answer.  After my slow reaction rate, I figured, "Hey!  That's my song...I know it!  I have to call!!"  I headed towards the phone and dialed the number to the station.  For some reason, I was still hesitant and probably dialed and hung up 3 times.  After that, I realized that I was being a pussy and so I stayed on the line until someone on the other end picked up.  Just then, I got a "Hello."  I didn't know who I was talking to or if I had even gotten the station, so I asked, "Who is this?" (I don't know why I didn't just ask if that was INDIE 103.1.  I guess I had figured I had gotten the wrong number.)  And well, on the other end of the phone line was Steve Jones.  haha.  I didn't think I'd get to speak to him, and I thought I would've gotten their producer or something.  So, I tell him, "I know the song."  And he asked, "Oh, what do you think it is?"  I say, "It's Shannon and 'Let the Music Play."  He then told me that I was correct, but that I was late and they had already found a winner...I can't remember what he said after that, but it think it ended with a "Thank you, darling."
Damnit!  If I hadn't hesistated in calling, it would've been my name that he be saying over the radio and had won.  It had been a guy that answered it correctly.  I didn't even know what the giveaway was.  He did another giveaway later on in the broadcast, and they were a couple of TRex/Marc Bolan cd albums.  ARGH!  I just hope that I didn't miss out on that or something really cool and might've wanted, because if that's the case, I should start kicking myself in the ass right now.  I guess, I'll wait for the re-broadcast of his show (later tonight) to hear what I missed out on.  (I'll enter a blog entry tomorrow to write what I could've won).  But hey, I go to speak to Steve Jones on the telephone.  How awesome is that?  Really awesome.
Damn the hesistancy!

So, he was already mid-way into his broadcast when he played "Let the Music Play" and after that song, the playlist was really fuckin' awesome.  haha.
01:02PM
Shannon - Let the Music Play
Sir Mix-A-Lot - Baby Got Back
M.C. Hammer - U Can't Touch This
The Sugarhill Gang - Rapper's Delight
Tupac & Dr. Dre - California Love
Grandmaster Flash & The Furious Five - The Message
K.C. & the Sunshine band - Give It Up
Haddaway - What Is Love?

and earlier in the broadcast a few of the songs he played were:
Vanilla Ice - Ice Ice Baby
Public Enemy - 911 is a Joke

That definitely was a total 180 from the regular Jonesy's Jukebox listening, but in a really good way.  I danced around the living room like a crazy person.  Gosh, I hadn't heard some of those songs in awhile. "The Message" -- now whatever happened to rap music and lyrical content like that?

And another funny thing, when I heard the first few beats of "Ice Ice Baby", I had thought that I was going to be listening to "Under Pressure" by David Bowie.  And well, the funny part is that it was just last week, when that song came up in a phone conversation I was having.  After about 2.5 months, Brian had decided it was time to call me again, and surprisingly enough, our 3h45m convo went pretty well...we actually laughed, and there weren't any hard feelings.  Yeah, somehow I was talking about how my first cd was Ice Cube's, Predator album (my dad had found it in Chinatown at a really cheap price.  He had no idea who Ice Cube was.)  We started talking about the hip-hop and rap that was around while during my time and that it was so much better compared stuff that was arounf when we was growing up.  He gave the example, Vanilla Ice's "Ice Ice Baby," which I think he said he listened to.  And I joked an said, "Oh, and you can't forget M.C. Hammer."  haha.  We laughed.  I guess it's was just one of those "you-had-to-be-there" kind of convos.  But it's just one of those strange things where...I never thought that a week after that convo I'd be listening to the radio and I'd be hearing those 2 songs in just one sitting.
*Oh, random info I was just reminded of: "Baby Got Back" was the first song that I ever memorized the lyrics to.  haha.

yeah, I think I'm going to make sure I don't miss the Jonesy's Jukebox re-broadcasting...I wanna make sure that I recorded the song on to a cassette tape.  Yes!  I said cassette tape!!

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