Quick shots...
(9-7-07) Is it just me, or does our country respect Osama Bin Laden more than it does George Bush? Every time he puts a new video out the media flocks to it and makes it the headline. I haven't seen it yet, but I think I may download it later from iTunes.
-jm
(5-9)After playing some basketball tonight, I went out with a couple guys to get some post-game food/drink. About an hour into it, one of the guys leans over and asks me the strangest question I have ever heard: "How many 5 year-olds could you beat up in a gym, assuming that you're not allowed to touch the walls?"
Me: long pause Huh?
Him: "The kids are average size and get to train for a week to fight back. This isn't a trick or a riddle. How many 5 year-olds could you take down in a gym?"
Me: "Why can't we touch the walls?"
Him: "It's just another obstacle. You have to run to catch the kids."
Me: >pause "Can we throw the kids?"
Him: "Of course."
another long pause
At this point I can't tell if he a little toasty or if he's just trying to start a conversation. I gave him the benefit of the doubt, and after ironing out a few details (Can the kids give up? Yes. How big is the gym? Average high school. Do the kids get weapons? No. Do they attack all at once or one at a time like in the movies? All at once. Is there staff on hand to move the beaten up kids off? Yes. ...etc.) I responded.
Me: "Twelve to fifteen."
Him: "Cool."
-jm
(5-8)I just browsed the headlines over on the side of Yahoo! homepage. One says "Dolphins recognize own names- scientists." Now how does that work? Not the bit about the dolphins. The part that credits a seemingly amazing discovery to "scientists." As though the title serves as a catch-all for official backing inquiries.
At this rate, it's like you can claim whatever you want and then just throw -scientists on the end and nobody will ever suspect you.
Forget that. Give us a name. Give me "65% of Americans to Be Underground by 2035 -Jim." I may not know Jim, but at least somebody has the guts to be associated with such a dubious claim. Jim I can find on the street and disagree with. Jim has a face I can spit in and a brain to understand my taunts and a house I can sit outside of until he listens to me. Jim eats and breaths and puts his pants on just like I do. As for "scientists," well, they're just a word. Just a title. They don't stand for anything unless they're connected to a school, a business, a research station. And unless I see that qualifier- until I see that qualifier, dolphins will all answer to "here fishy-fishy."
-jm
(5-8) I'm all for the ha-ha as much as the next guy (assuming it's JG standing there), but every once in a while you gotta take a step back and look at something serious. For your reading, then, I submit the following web page that deals with something that affects me as a life-long Chicago sports fan. You'll see why after you click
here and read it. If you are from Cali, you better read it twice.
-jm
(5-5) And on a non-race-related topic, name that movie:
"We're bi-coastal, if you consider the Mississippi a coast."
Now go check out the rest of the quotes here and then watch the movie if you haven't already!
-jm
(5-5) Here's the question of the day: How many people that took Monday off of work are also going to skip today because it's Cinco de Mayo? Basically just taking a 3-day work week whenever they want. Seems a little shady. That's all I'm saying.
-jm
(4-21) Ok, so really quickly: Britney is looking
so bad that Christina is starting to look great in comparison. Is that what you wanted, Britney?
Is it!?
-jg
(4-14) Last week I stumbled across a fantastic little game called
Guitar Hero on PlayStation 2. It's set up in Best Buy, so I shredded for a few minutes while I was browsing for some DVD burning equipment. ANYHOO, a few minutes soon turned into a half-hour, and my solo gig turned into a full jam-session after a ten-year-old jumped on guitar no. 2. We cruised through our set, smashed a few high scores, and as I left, I handed the guitar to the (seemingly) awe-struck kid who was next in line.
Looks like JG's not the only rock-star in the blog. HOLLER!
(Seriously though, it was all I could do not to buy the whole game/guitar-controller set right then and there- it's super fun! I already scheduled band practice with the guys (Billy and Sammy)- next Thursday, 3:45, Best Buy in Bloomingdale.)
-jm
(4-2) Just want to make sure I'm not alone here...did anyone else lose an hour of sleep last night?? I did and I'm a little frustrated. Seems like this happens every year and I'm never able to locate that hour until October sometime...
-jg
(4-1) Warning: this is NOT an April Fools Joke: My feelings on the town of Normal, Illinois. I should preface this with saying that I've never been there. But I feel that anytime you need to point out the normality of something, it probably isn't all that normal. Is Normal normal? My best guess and logic says 'no.' If you have any additional information regarding this, please contact me at your earliest convenience.
-jg
(3-24) WE WANT YOUR INPUT!
Some people have given us blog ideas, and we'd love to hear more. Drop us a message with a topic and we'll blog the hooey out of it- I promise!! We encourage interaction, so give us a concept, and we'll give you the funny.
-jm and jg
(3-19) So I just want to say that we have a superstar in our midst. My sister,
Sylvia, just competed in a half-ironman yesterday. A grueling 1.2 mile swim followed by a 56 mile bike ride and topped off with a 13.1 mile run (half marathon). We got up early to watch her splash into the Pacific Ocean, watched her run out to her bike, saw her replace her bike and start running. And keep running. And keep running. And by the end, I was completely exhausted...
Congrats, Sylv!!!
-jg
(3-17) I'm just saying: you walk a little taller when you're wearing stolen goods....
-jm
(3-16) I was never allowed to have video games as a kid. We never had a Nintendo or Super Nintendo. Never had a Sega Genesis or a Gameboy. As a result, I'm completely inept at and totally uninterested in any sort of interactive gameplay. Unless it's two dimensional or involves only a car race (I'm a very good driver!). But I don't malign my parents for this decision. If I had had video games as a child, I would have never been so good at Scrabble or word jumbles...?
-jg (the geek)
(3-15) 2 weeks ago I took a break from work and went to the store to buy some new shoes. I swung over to Dick's and picked up 2 pair- 1 for basketball, and 1 for general use. When I got back to work, I tried one pair on to show some co-workers. As I'm trying the second one on, I find that the cashier hadn't removed the "DO NOT STEAL ME" alarm tag off one shoe. As I sat there momentarily with a puzzled look on my face, contemplating what this means and what this must look like, the cleaning lady rounds the corner. She stops in her tracks, puts her hand to her mouth, looks at the shoe and then at me and says in her accented broken English:
"Jon steal?!!"
Holding back my laughter, all I could say was, "Uh huh." She didn't talk to me for the rest of the day.
-jm
(3-8) I don't own a cat so I'm still free to blog randomocities:
I'm also on the facebook and my cousin Aimee (who lives and goes to school in MN) just asked me if a guy named Taylor Groth had contacted me, looking for cousins. Is that for real? Apparently it is. BUT, Mr Taylor Groth didn't contact me so I'm thinking he's only looking for pretty girl-cousins. Although being 'cousins' sort of negates the 'pretty-girl' part, wouldn't you say? Unless he's from West Virginia...? In any case, I'm still slightly offended that he didn't ask me if i was his cousin. boo.
-jg
ps. I randomly saw kiefer sutherland again in hollywood last night. weird. i was like 'kief! we have got to stop meeting this way!' he responded with a blank stare and blew cigarette smoke in my face. no matter. it's a little routine we do. hilarious, right? i mean, people were rolling. hahahaha...haha......ha? seriously.
(3-7) My cat is ill. Due to sickness, I will take a short break from posting. You can take these few days to read my past blogs. In fact, they are so long, they might take the whole time. And then it'd be like we never missed a beat. C'mon admit it. You skipped them because they're long. And now my cat is sick. I hope you're all happy.
-jm
(3-1) So I'm not sure how many of you watch the show
24 on Fox, but I'm hooked. An admitted addict. I've watch all four seasons and am watching the fifth season on Monday nights. Anyway, I was just thinking the other day how much less interesting the show would have been if Jack Bauer had worked at, like, an accounting office instead of at the Counter Terrorist Unit. I mean, five seasons of "The following takes place between 1:00pm and 2:00pm on Tax Day, April 15...?" For real.
-jg
(2-28) Here's a Debbie-Downer for y'all: Yesterday I was cleaning out some drawers at work and I found some old automatic blood pressure gauges- little computerized ones. I decided to check one out. Finding no other suitable guinea pig, I strapped one on my left arm and pressed START. It cranked up to 170 a few times. The pressure built up, but it wouldn't measure. I did it a few more times. Now, 22 hours later, I have numbness in my left arm and tingling in my hand. I never did get a blood pressue reading. This isn't supposed to be funny. Seriously.
-jm
(2-23) One time after college, I was eating breakfast at home and my mom told me that my dad had hit his head the night before and went to the ER, where they said he had a minor concussion. I wasnt too terribly worried until he came downstairs, looked at me a little funny, and said, Mornin, Slim. He had never called me that before in my entire life! I was like oh no! They broke my dad!!
-jg
(2-21) Last month when Jordan was in town, we went shopping at Home Depot for our buddy Eric's wedding gift. We were having trouble tracking down the thing we wanted, so we finally gave in and ask the guy stocking shelves for help. He pretends not to hear us. We're standing literally 2 feet away and the guy stonewalls us. We repeat the question. Pause. Finally he mumbles something that sounds like, "I'm just a
veteran," and continues stocking the shelf. I stop, kinda look at Jordan, then back at the worker. (In my head: "That's great, sir, and while I appreciate all you've done for this country, we
really need to find this quarter-inch-locking-bolt-action-jigsaw...") After a few moments of wondering why military service excuses this guy from doing his job, he finishes the shelf and leads us to the computer to find our item. Along the way he explains that in his job as a
vendor, his job is only stocking shelves, not really helping customers. Whoops.
-jm
(2-20) I know I'm a little late on this topic, but it just struck me this morning that after recent events, quail hunters seem to be in more global danger than Bin Laden. I mean, they're getting shot up in Texas and we can't even locate him!
-jg
(2-17) Here's something dumb: slow lane changers.
You know who I'm talking about. The people that need to move their cars over 10 feet, and it takes them 15 seconds to do it. The people that are more or less completely unaware of anyone else on the road. The people that you think would be talking on a cell phone, and maybe that would explain their poor driving, but they're not. They just simply don't use a rearview mirror. They just turn the wheel 5 degrees to the side, begin what amounts to a drift, and a quarter of a minute later, find themselves 1 lane over. Much like Doc's dog in Back to the Future, the driver is completely unaware of the passage of time and any change in physical location. (Nor does he sense the tear in the space-time continuum that I'm ready to unleash on his bumper...)
-jm
(2-12) A brief diatribe on camping (warning: this may sound angry; i'm only mildly concerned): ok, so to me, camping is akin to what you would do if a) you were homeless, or b) you lived before electricity. what is the draw of that? i'm all about the remoteness, the brilliance of the stars, the hiking, the campfire, etc. but waking up in a sleeping bag where there's no place to take a shower, breakfast's from a can and your clothes all smell like stale smoke? i'll be at the hotel...
-jg
Okay, Jordan, maybe camping's not for you. But my question is, which would you rather do: camp, or stay at a hotel in Mesquite, NV? You sleep in a dirty bed, the shower's got fur growing in it, breakfast is beer at the slot machines, and your clothes smell largely like... well, stale smoke. Eh? Eh?
-jm
(2-8) Can someone tell me what's up with the Oscars this year? I just finished triple-checking that the
actual nominees for Best Picture are:
Crash, Capote, Brokeback Mountain, Good Night and Good Luck, and
Munich. I've read up on most of these, and it seems like there should be other, better films, competing for the Oscar. I mean, these are good, but not BEST PICTURE good.... Thoughts on these? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?
-jm
(2-6) When I heard that The Rolling Stones were performing at the Super Bowl XL halftime show, I told my mom that if there was a 'wardrobe malfunction' this year, we were all going to want to cut our eyes out. Mick, Ronnie, Keith...thanks for letting me keep my eyes.
-jg
(2-3) So I'm watching the news the other day, and on comes a report of ANOTHER car bombing in Iraq. Apparently these things go down everyday, everywhere in the middle-east. Now, it's pretty much assumed that it's just the way of life over there- you know, the violence and the unrest, etc. I can totally understand that some people are angry at America and feel like they have the right to do crazy things like that. They just handle anger differently than I do. Whatever.
But here's my thought: where do they keep getting all these cars? And what if each and every car they blow up is NOT a sign that they hate America? Maybe they just have too many cars in their country and are simply getting rid of the excess in the fastest and most efficient way they know of- exploding them. We see terrorism. They see car reduction. (pause) So here's the point: basically we could take all of the middle-east anger and turn it down a few notches by simply not sending them ANY MORE CARS. That's the real problem. That's what they hate. It's not you and me. It's not even our army. It's having so many stupid cars. Don't want 'em. Don't need 'em. Definitely aren't taking care of 'em. Maybe they prefer to walk.
-jm
wow - that's quite a theory... and one I agree with COMPLETELY. Well done, Jon. The good news is that I think this is quite fixable. We simply need to get the UN together to impose an Auto Embargo on Iraq (and possibly Afghanistan - they seem to have a similar problem). I wonder if I can get Bono's phone number. He seems to be able to take care of these things... Isn't it amazing the things we see once we break down the pre-conceived images we have of other societies? (ie. Car Bombings = Terrorism)
-jg
(2-1) I always thought MO was a strange abbrev for Missouri. I mean, I understand that all the good ones were already taken (MI, MS, etc), but Missouri sort of got shafted. I think Congress would have been right to say - we're sorry, but since the good abbreviations are taken, you will have to change your proposed state name to something else (preferably something that does NOT begin with the letter M - we have too many of those anyway). Then we wouldnt have had to remember that Missouri is abbreviated by using its first and fifth letters Just think what would have happened if wed already had an MO. Then Missouri would have had to be MU and that would have just been a disaster.
-jg
I have to say that I have truly NEVER thought about Missouri getting screwed when it comes to abbreviations. I guess it's one of those things that you just memorize when you're a kid and recite later in life. To be quite frank, they could've convinced me to abbreviate it like Y6 or something. As long as they had gotten to me early enough, you know? Basically I just do what the man tells me.
-jm
