Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie, Kate Moss, Doctor Fox and Paris Hilton. All unphotoshopped.
Music
Radiohead
DJ Shadow
Faith No More
Boards of Canada
PJ Harvey
Tool
Queens of the Stone Age
Low
Mr Bungle
Massive Attack
Sigur Rós
NIN
Smashing Pumpkins
Fila Brazillia
The Afghan Whigs
Red Snapper
Mr Scruff
Super Furry Animals
Nick Cave
The Smiths
Depeche Mode
The Beastie Boys
Godspeed You! Black Emperor
Moloko
Ruby
A Silver Mt Zion
New Order
Four Tet
Nirvana
Björk
Tricky
Primal Scream
Kelpe
Portishead
RATM
The Cure
LTJ Bukem
Jeff Buckley
The Flaming Lips
Public Enemy
Jacques Lu Cont
Tomahawk
Dirty Three
Peaches
Squarepusher
Explosions in the Sky
The Pixies
Sonic Youth
The Prodigy
Kate Bush
Cut Chemist
UNKLE
The Sundays
and so it could ramble on forevererer...
Nifty Album Cover Game
Click the pixelly mush for fun.
Name every album cover and I'll give you a shiny new fiver*.
Ok, so it's not really a 'game' as such. In that it's pretty much unwinnable (a bit like global thermonuclear war. And golf. As far as I can ascertain, with both of these there are only losers. Especially with golf). Besides, I can't remember (and subsequently can't be fucked to find out) what's been used myself.
Probably not really 'fun' either, but fuck it. S'worth a skive.
* Terms and conditions apply. Terms being:
1) Fuck off you greasy hedger. As if I'm gonna be letting any of my pennies end up in the mitts of a wretched pisscrane like you.
2) Clicking the above image enters you into a legal contract, granting me access to your home at random to have sex with your entire family.
3) At gunpoint.
4) No purchase necessary.
Movies
2001: A Space Odyssey Trainspotting
Naked
American Beauty
Watership Down
American History X
Shaun of the Dead
Back to the Future
Threads
Dirty Dancing
Best in Show
The Shining
The Empire Strikes Back
Goodfellas
Reservoir Dogs
Mute Witness
Batman Returns
Labyrinth
28 Days Later
Carrie
Edward Scissorhands
Superman 2
Scum
The Big Lebowski
Saturday Night Fever
The Lost Boys
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
Brain Dead
This is Spinal Tap
Falling Down
Scarface
The Usual Suspects
Sin City
Taxi Driver
Fight Club
Dead Man's Shoes
The Fly
Transformers: The Movie
Television
Conventional telly tends to suck the most giant donkey balls you can possibly imagine. Unless you consider watching feckless gimboids trapped in a bijou hut for eighteen weeks, getting smashed to bits and trying to unceremoniously fuck each other to death the zenith of entertainment. And if you do I suggest you go and buy a hammer and cave your own fucking head in with it. However, if it's anything to do with the following I would probably watch it. Hypocrite that I am.
Simpsons
The Mighty Boosh
Spaced
Alan Partridge
Garth Merenghi's Dark Place
The Young Ones
Futurama
Bill Hicks
The Office
Armando Iannucci
Vic & Bob
Dylan Moran
Human Remains
The Day Today
15 Storeys High
Nathan Barley
Adam & Joe
Bill Bailey
BrassEye
Peep Show
Eddie Izzard
Father Ted
Black Books
I are subtly blending teh duality of internet twattery and alcoholic retardation. Much to the delight of friends and co-workers alike.
13 Years Later
I reckon he might not actually be entirely alive, you know.
Apple iGod
My favourite ever description of God was 'that massive, non-existent twat in the clouds'. Acutely observed by my brother. Given that, when pressed, he fails to deliver the correct answer when posed the question 'how old am I?' from his brother (i.e.: me), this has to count as his shining glory.
Lovely Spoonerisms
Or 'Spovely Loonerisms' I suppose it should be. Personally, I find most spoonerisms happen when you're having one of those spazzy days where you can't speak. I usually have them on Mondays. And Wednesdays. And every day beetween that Wednesday and the following Tuesday.
Anyway, here are a couple that didn't leave me appearing like an illiterate twatbox infront of peers and / or friends.
If you're having trouble with the first one, it's the band Sparks in front of the MENSA logo. See what I did there? DO YOU SEE?
The Feariodic Table
Most of the time the insane bollocks I trot out leaves people bewildered at best. But here's something we can all finally agree on. H from shit 90s karaoke band Steps is by far the most fear inducing on offer. Can you imagine, though, taking a jet to France where the in-flight film is a 'Deal or No Deal' celebrity special featuring the Teletubbies and the air steward is H from Steps wearing a kryptonite studded clown costume? He's also forcing you to smoke at catapult-point.
You better pray to Allah you remembered to wear your special exploding shoes in case of such an event.
Aztec, Futuristic, Industrial, Medieval.
Yes. A pub version of The Crystal Maze. Why doesn't this exist already?
Serial killer enthusiasts will notice Ted Bundy in this one. Obviously a nutball cunt and that, but a great taste in cars.
By rights you should be bludgeoned in your bed...
Ok, for this one you need to know about The Smiths (lyrics to 'Bigmouth Strikes Again') and The Big Lebowski. The thing is, if you don't know about either of these things I suggest you fuck off looking at my nonsensical piss and go and find out about them as they are both much better than anything I could ever do ever.
Oh, and you need to know that Billie Piper has a fucking humungous gob on her. But then surely everyone knows that?
Zippy and Pac-Man gots nothing on her.
TfL: TeaTime for London
The thing is, if the capital's metro system were built primarily out of elements that make up a revolting luminous yellow-green pickle-based foodstuff, the trains would probably be more punctual than they are at present. Bunch of cunts.
Rather incredulously, this got made into a t shirt by the nice people at B3ta. Click the logo to have a looksie or read the whole newsletter here.
That's the first documented instance of me being described as an 'über genius'. And no doubt the last.
Also, there's this, to accompany, er, that...
If you have a social life (or life, for that matter) you probably won't understand it. Speaking of not understanding things...
NoBoDy UnDeRsTaNdS hIm BuT hIs WoMaAaAaAnNnNn...
Apparently this got done before I had the idea. Don't you hate it when people aren't only better than you but faster? Bastards.
Anyway, my favourite bit about the song 'Theme from Shaft' (other than the fact that the vocals don't start until about 80% of the way through the entire song) is the fact that Isaac Hayes feels the need to mention John Shaft's full name in it. I mean, the fact that it's entirely unnecessary in turn makes it totally necessary. And his name is 'John'. I never would've thought of that.
Glastonbury Tor soon to become lighthouse.
So, is summer here yet, then? No? Oh, more rain and flooding, you say? Brilliant.
DAYTIME TELLY = OFFENSIVE SHITE. Teh troof.
I think that more or less proves that.
This seemed to make sense at the time
It started with the Battenburg and eclair. Then spiralled from thereon in. But it's the old association between light spongy desserts and retro video games that everyone's aware of. Aren't they?
The new Outlook just got 100% more betterer
I can now move forward, hit the ground running and blue sky think with maximum efficiency.
Man, I'm having some weird dreams lately
I dunno...perhaps bunnies hate opera? Good on 'em I say. Opera? Who likes opera? The mentally ill, that's who.
Look, if you want cancer you'll have to do it outside
There was me thinking that pubs were invented for the very purposes of smoking out your lungs and flushing out your liver. I'm gonna have to drink twice as much now to compensate.
Here's what I used to do for a living before sucking The Man's raging bellend for 5 days a week. Internets, essentially.
Click here or the pickchure for olden day
swooshy bollocks.
Not that any of that animated black voodoo tells the full story of endless hours of chronic caffeine abuse, punctuated every so often by shuddering chunks of fragmented sleep and poorly executed heartbeats. Aaah, freelancing. You either love it or you hate it. And if you love it, you're wrong.
This is Drill Boy. I made him. He's like a Pinocchio / Robocop hybrid. With less nasal prowess. And more flagrant disregard for the law.
For those with Appling of the Mac or Firing of the Fox, click here
One day I'll animate him properly. Then you'll all be sorry. Of course, this does depend on me ever getting time off work, so maybe he'll just be in a perpetual eyeball loop.
Progress. Or lack of it. Man, it's going slowly. That'll be work. Again. The cunts.
Shizzle, Oh I got his plate alright. Now all I need are his cups and saucers, and we'll be sure he wont be taking a lunch break for a LONG time, a LONGGGGGG time.
Damn, I thought I would be the girl to pop your comment cherry, I made it to the post but quite literally got pipped! Strong work seeing you on myspace, you can now share the Harper cynicism TM worldwide. x x x Cherry
Yo yo yo... Drill Boy is hiding from me! Just his eyes and mouth visible.. Guess he's Mac/Firefox-shy. Hmmm will have to try via worky computer... that'd be a shame, using it for no-worky purposes...
Graphical nonsenses. Such as this...
Shizzle,
Oh I got his plate alright. Now all I need are his cups and saucers, and we'll be sure he wont be taking a lunch break for a LONG time, a LONGGGGGG time.
Damn, I thought I would be the girl to pop your comment cherry, I made it to the post but quite literally got pipped! Strong work seeing you on myspace, you can now share the Harper cynicism TM worldwide. x x x Cherry
Yo yo yo... Drill Boy is hiding from me! Just his eyes and mouth visible.. Guess he's Mac/Firefox-shy. Hmmm will have to try via worky computer... that'd be a shame, using it for no-worky purposes...