magazines have always been an obsession...as has writing. around the ages of 17 & 18, i got the brilliant idea to "hone and bone" my burgeoning pensmanship by writing frivolous analyses of bits in these mags that struck me. just another case of "scribblephilia" gone amok like them college gals with first-grade comprehension skills. part one comprises the shorter pieces, as discovered recently hiding in my parents house. not in any order, you will notice.
DETAILS JUNE 1996--I'm not "scared of" tough'n'brash chicks in bands. I'm repelled by rampant suckage. Hence, my dislike of Bikini Kill. I guess Allison Wolfe needs to get punched by some hysterical junkie to get publicity, 'cause Bratmobile kicking ass with gloriously trashy girl rock ain't doin' it. By the way...suck BOTH mine.
RIP AUGUST 1995--Immolation. Suffocation. It Is I. Death metal brings great band handles (henceforth, "bandles") and guitars that are intentionally inconquerable. Bricks smash brain sludgy simply.
RIP OCTOBER 1995--Eddie Vedder looks like Michael Hutchence in this shot, deep in maybe-thought, gearing up to spew forth the dregs of his microwave soul. Screaming For Vengeance is some fierce shit.
PEOPLE 11/30/95--Ooh-ee-ooh, I look just like Buddy Ebsen. Oh-oh, and there's Mary Tyler Moore. Washing Machine reviewed. Steve Shelley looks intriguingly like Donnie Wahlberg in the accompanying photo.
HYPNO (SHAMPOO COVER)--
Shoopy shampoo, ditty-doo
Washah shah shah, ditty-dah
Ditty ditty, rumpo dee-do-dah
Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo!
Fuck all this page-clogging fashion!
REQUEST AUGUST 1995--Albini is seriously scared of Courtney? What a douche!
HYPNO VOLUME 5-2--Ian Brady Mackaye Anderson. The hardcore vegetarian child-murderer with stylish sideburns.
GUITAR WORLD AUGUST 1996--Sex Pistols are back, minus Sid Vicious, who is otherwise occupied with his ongoing death. Wake me. No, better yet, eat me.
SEVENTEEN OCTOBER 1993--I suffer "anorexia reversa". This is tragic, yet still uncool--nobody likes a fat chick. At least with anorexia nervosa and bulimia you get to be SKINNY.
ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY 11/17/95--There are currently 44 fanzines dedicated to the Beatles worldwide. There are currently 44 Beatles tribute bands. One band for each 'zine, I guess.
RAYGUN MAY 1996--Spike Jonze shoots Rage Against the Machine for their cover story. That's greato potato, so long as he turns the gun on himself afterwards.
Thought for the day: police officers are often people who frequently have families who tend to love them.
GUITAR WORLD MARCH 1996--Dave Navarro. Love the purple cover. Now all we need is red; red is all we need. Trumpets, yeah!
Jerry Garcia's passing has hippies mega-bummed. Aww. Time to fabricate resumes, losers.
Billy Corgan's favorite candy bar is Zero. His phone number is Infinity. And while he currently lives on Nada Street, he spent his boyhood on Nihilist Lane in Nowheresville.
BIKINI JANUARY 1996--Quentin Tarantino is SO not a press whore, though!
"Serrated Little Pill"--that better be the title to the follow-up, Alanis.
Ooh, here's Stipey. Confucius say, "He who take self excessively serious bound for smack upside shiny happy head."