Why Your Band Are Shite:
1. Don't sing in an "American" accent, even if you are American...Use your own accent!
2. Don't do covers...They are a/Shit b/Too Difficult.
(Thank you Malcolm Mclaren)
3. Don't have the word BABY in any of your songs unless you are Dianna Ross or the Pipettes.
4. Don't have the word SOUL in your song unless you are James Brown.
5. Don't do FUNK unless your name is Bootsy.
6. No excuse exists for using a harmonica or saxaphone.
7. Digery fuckin' don't!
8. Don't sing with your eyes closed....you look like a twat.
9. You don't have "The Blues" what you have is a Fender Strat' that your daddy bought you, now fuck off.
10. Don't do songs about drugs unless you are Shane McGowan or Shaun Ryder.
11. When no one is interested in your music, it doesn't mean you are Antifolk or Avant Garde it means you are shit...go back to the bedroom and have a re-think.
12. Be nice to the Sound People...manners are free and they are paying for their sins by being forced to listen to your shit!
13. Don't say "Thanks!" untill someone claps.
14. Don't appologise for anything on stage. If you make a mistake, do it again and pretend you meant it.
15. Never blame the audience. It's not their job to listen, it's your job to entertain (Does not apply in London where all Audiences are cunts.)
16. Guitar solos....mmmmmmh, just remember "Anyone can play guitar"
17. Jazz has melody, Noise is just noise...go write a fucking tune!
18. Tune up BEFORE you go on stage.
19. Don't bore the audience with anecdotes unless you are either a) naturally very funny or b) Calvin Johnson (Thank you Electric Honey from the Plan B forum.)
20. "Making things more organic" is great if you're making vegetable soup but disastorous in song-writing. (Thank you Paul Hawkins)
All recorded music has run its course. It has all been consumed, traded, downloaded, understood, heard before, sampled, learned, revived, judged and found wanting. Dispense with all previous forms of music and start again. YEAR ZERO NOW ............LIFE IS SHORT! Only listen to music written, recorded or released in the previous twelve months by composers, soloists or emsembles who have never released music in any format at any time previous to the last twelve months.
Lethal Bizzle, Drew McConnell (Babyshambles), Hardkaur, Sam Duckworth (Get Cape Wear Cape Fly) and Jerry Dammers (ex The Specials) will join other artists and anti-racists from around the country at the Unite Against Fascism / Love Music Hate Racism conference in London this Saturday.
See you there?
hey jimmy, how are you?
hey how come everytime i put my music box on shuffle, the bobby mcgees appear 4 or 5 times?? there may be 69 songs, but how many hidden tracks have you snuck on?
xx
barrie alderton is putting an almost unbelievable amount of effort into preventing us from living near you, jimmy. it will happen, though. i'm going to sit outside your front door every night and cry gently until it does.
Hey Jimmy
I would very much like to get a copy of '68 love songs and a poem about shagging'. any chance of swapping the new sweethearts album for a copy??
ciao x
nxt Anti-Pop is sunday 30th july at the Globe. Its the final round b4 the grand final so bring lots of peeps!!! + There's free ice-cream on the night!!!
Mr Jimmy Please oh Please send me a copy of your masterpiece!
Hope your both chipper, sorry I aint been to see ya or nuffin, we been away and working super hard.
Lets catch up soon, when is the next turd night?xx
i need a copy. i was going to come and watch your ukefest tonight but i think i've screwed myself in the ass by sleeping for about 15 hours. i had weird sleep paralysis while chris was in my room on my computer. that was thoroughly unpleasant.
Cool...i want a copy right away, erica says she will be your poetry brothel madam and we're going on a picnic at devil's dyke tommorow, are you and Eleanor up for coming?x
