Jonquitta Milerson

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Part Two DEAR MAMA, I KNOW YOU DIDNT APPRECIATTE THE LETTER THAT I TYPED YOU BUT I DIDNT WRITE IT TO FOR YOU TO APPRCIATE IT. I WROTE IT BECAUSE I FIGURED SINCE YOU WERE IN JAIL IT WOULD BE THE BEST TIME AND PLUS I DONT HAVE YOUR ADDRESS. WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHICH WAY DO I WANT YOU TO BE? IT'S NOT ABOUT WHAT I WANT ITS ABOUT WHAT YOU NEED. IF TRUTH BE TOLD I WANT YOU TO BE NORMAL AND THAT'S IT. JUST A REGULAR MOTHER. IS THAT TOO MUCH TOO ASK? YOU ARE NOT A NORMAL MOTHER AND WHAT I MEAN BY NORMAL IS THAT YOU ARE ON DRUGS. I KNOW ITS MILLIONS OF WOMEN ON THIS EARTH THAT ARE DRUG ADDICTS BUT I ONLY HAVE ONE MAMA NOT A MILLION:) I REMEMBER WHEN I WAS LITTLE YOU USE TO SMOKE CRACK AND PLEASE STOP SAYING THAT YOU NEVER SMOKED CRACK IN FRONT OF US...WELL MAYBE YOU DIDNT MEAN TO AND MAYBE YOU NEVER SMOKED IN FRONT OF GARY, JAMARCUS, DAYVON AND JAEQUITTA BUT I HAVE SEEN YOU WITH A CRACK PIPE IN YOUR HAND AND THAT'S SOMETHING THAT I CAN NEVER FORGET NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU SAY YOU DIDNT DO IT. MAYBE YOU JUST DONT REMEMBER SO THEREFORE YOU SAYING THAT YOU NEVER DID IT. WE WAS STAYING WITH WILBERT AT THE TIME AND WE WAS GOING TO PERKENSON ELEMENTARY SCHOOL AND ONE DAY YOU WAS IN THE KITCHEN AND YOU SHOUTED FOR ONE OF US TO GET YOU A GLASS OF WATER. I'M THE ONE WHO GOT IT FOR YOU AND EVEN WHEN I HANDED YOU THE GLASS OF WATER YOU WAS STILL ASKING FOR IT AND YOU WAS SHAKING AND STOMPING THINKING THAT SOMETHING WAS ON YOU JUST LIKE YOU SAID AND DESCRIBED IN YOUR LETTER. YOU HAD WHITE STUFF ON THE SIDE OF YOUR MOUTH AND THAT'S A IMAGE I WILL NEVER FORGET FOR AS LONG AS I LIVE DID YOU KNOW THAT I GOT MOLESTED IN THAT HOUSE? CERTAIN THINGS THAT HAPPENS TO A CHILD WILL REMAIN MARKED IN THAT CHILDS MEMORIES FOR LIFE SO JUST KNOW THAT I WILL NEVER FORGET WHAT HAPPENED TO ME THAT NIGHT OR ANY OTHER NIGHTS I HAVE BEEN MOLESTED. NO MATTER HOW MUCH WEED I SMOKE IT WONT ERASE THE MEMORIES BUT IT WILL HELP WITH THE ATTITUDES I GET FROM THINKING ABOUT MY LIFE IN GENERAL. I DONT NEED WEED AND ITS NOT ADDICTING. I CAN PUT DOWN WEED ANYTIME I GET READY. IT'S JUST THAT I'M NOT READY BECAUSE AS SOON AS I STOP IMMA HAVE ATTITUDES ISSUES. MY ATTITUDES WAS TEN TIMES WORSER THEN YOU THINK IT IS NOW AND YOU OF ALL PEOPLE SHOULD KNOW THAT CAUSE I GET PART OF IT FROM YOU. EVERYSINCE I STARTED SMOKING WEED MY ATTITUDES DONE CHANGED LIKE WHOA. YOU AND EVERYBODY ELSE MIGHT NOT NOTICE IT BECAUSE YOU AND EVERYBODY ELSE DIDNT KNOW ME BEFORE I STARTED SMOKING WEED. MY ATTITUDES TOWARD WAYNE IS DIFFERENT. I'M REALLY LASHING OUT AT HIM BECAUSE OF WHAT HE DID TO ME AND YOU KNOW I'M THE TYPE TO HOLD GRUDGES SO INSIDE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE SMALL PART OF ME THAT IS STILL HOLDING A GRUDGE. EVEN THOUGH I FORGAVE WAYNE AND JAEQUITTA IT'S STILL A PIECE OF ME THAT THINKS ABOUT IT AND MAKES ME WANNA BE MEAN BUT NOT ON PURPOSE.. ITS HARD TO EXPLAIN SO IF YOU DONT GET WHAT IM TALKING ABOUT THEN I UNDERSTAND. ALL IN ALL I REALLY NEED A COUNSELOR YOU KNOW SOMEBODY THAT I DONT KNOW THAT'S NOT RELATED TO ME. SOMEBODY I CAN TALK TO AND CRY IF I NEED TO IN THE PROCESS. I GOT ALOT OF SHIT (EXCUSE MY LANGUAGE) THAT IS BOTTLED UP INSIDE ME AND I NEED TO LET IT ALL OUT INSTEAD OF SMOKING WEED TO KEEP ME FROM THINKING ABOUT IT.... HOW COULD YOU THINK THAT WE ALREADY DISCUSSED OUR ISSUSES WITH EACHOTHER. IT'S MUST HAVE BEEN A 5 MINUTE CONVERSATION AND IF YOU THINK I TOLD HOW I FELT IN THAT LITTLE BIT OF TIME THEN U THOUGHT WRONG...WE NEVER TALKED ABOUT THE REAL ISSUSES AND YOU KNOW WE HAVEN'T BECAUSE EVERY SINCE YOU BEEN BACK IN OUR LIFES I BEEN ACTING LIKE YOU AINT AT FAULT AND ACTING LIKE JAEQUITTA WRONG FOR THE THINGS SHE DO BUT SHE AINT. NOW THE DISRESPECTING YOU PART IS NO DOUBT WRONG BUT EVERYTHING ELSE IS COOL IN MY BOOK.. I DONT DIRESPECT YOU AND YOU CAN NEVER SAY I HAVE. I DONT CALL YOU BITCHES HOES SLUTS CRACK HEAD AND SHIT LIKE THAT UNLESS WE IN A HEATED ARGUEMENT AND EVEN SO I STILL HAVEN'T CALLED YOU ALL THOSE NAMES? I'M ONE OF YOUR MOST RESPECTFUL CHILDREN AND THAT'S SOMETHING I TAKE PRIDE IN. I RESPECT MY ELDERS TO THE FULLEST. I'M THE ODLEST DAUGHTER YOU GOT SO WHAT YOU MAKES YOU THINK THAT JAEQUITTA IS PUTTING INTO MY HEAD THE FACT THAT YOU SMOKE CRACK. SHE AINT TOLD ME NOTHING BOUT YOU BEING ON CRACK BUT RED HAS... YEA LET HIM READ THIS FOR HISSELF. WHEN I HAD WENT TO YOUR HOUSE TO FINISH YOUR BOX BRAIDS, I WAS SITTING OUTSIDE ON YOUR PORCH AND RED HAD WALKED UP. HE WAS COMING FROM THE STORE.. HE THE ONE THAT TOLD ME THAT YOU HAD CAME IN THE HOUSE AT LIKE 4 IN THE MORNING ASKING HIM FOR SOME MONEY AND THEN YOU CAME BACK AROUND 6 OR 7 ASKING HIM FOR SOME MORE MONEY....I WAS SO HEATED AND ANGRY THAT I SAID YOU WAS PROBABLY OUT SMOKING THAT STUFF AGAIN AND HE SAID YOU WAS. SO THAT CONFIRMED IT AND IT WAS WAY PAST MARCH OF LAST YEAR.I DIDNT HAVE NO MONEY OR A CELL PHONE SO HOW DO YOU THINK I WAS ABLE TO CALL WAYNE TO COME AND PICK ME UP? RED TOOK ME TO A CRACK HOUSE HE SAID YOU BE AT AND THEY SAID THAT YOU HAD LEFTED AT LIKE SIX IN THE MORNING AD THEY AINT SEEN YOU SINCE. THEY WAS NICE ENOUGH TO LET ME USE THEIR PHONE TO CALL WAYNE....MY BABY CAME AND GOT ME TOO AND HE MADE MY DAY BETTER THAT DAY. YOU WAS SMOKING IN MY HOUSE WHEN YOU WAS STAYING WITH ME AND WAYNE. HE WASNT COMPLAINING FFOR NOTHING AND I WHEN I FOUND THAT PIPE I KNEW YOU WAS DOING IT IN MY HOUSE. YOU WOULDNT WANT ME LIEING TO YOU SO PLEASE DONT LIE TO ME BECAUSE I FOUND THAT PIPE NOT NOBODY ELSE. I SHOWED JAEQUITTA AND WAYNE THAT I HAD VIDEO RECORDED IT. ONE DAY WHEN YOU WAS LOOKING AT ALL THE STUFF ON MY VDEO CAMERA IT WAS TOO LATE BECAUSE I HAD RECORDED OVER IT AND WAYNE WAS TELLING ME THAT I SHOULD HAVE KEPTED IT ON THERE FOR YOU TO SEE. WHEN YOU GOT LOCKED UP I TALKED TO RED ON THE PHONE AND I WAS TELLING HIM THAT I WASNT GOING TO SEND YOU NO MONEY AND HE WAS EXPLAINING WHAT YOU HAD DID AND HE SAID YOU WAS SMOKING THAT STUFF AND THAT YOU ATTACKED HIM AND SOME WOMAN. HE DONT SAY SMOKING CRACK HE SAY SMOKING THAT STUFF, AND YOU HAVE A VERY SMART DAUGHTER SO I DO KNOW WHAT "STUFF" MEAN. DONT GO OFF ASSUMING THAT JAEQUITTA IS TELLING ME THINGS WHEN SHE DONT... YEAH SHE MAY TELL ME WHAT ARGUEMENT YALL HAD BUT THAT DONT MEAN THAT I AUTOMATICALLY SIDE WITH HER, SO DONT ASSUME. IT DONT MATTER IF I SEE YOU VERY OFTEN OR NOT YOUR OWN MAN SAY YOU STILL DOING IT AND LIKE I SAID YOU CAN LET RED READ THIS. AS FOR YOU AND JAEQUITTA YALL GOTTA DEAL WITH YALL ISSUSES JUST LIKE YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH YOUR OTHER CHILDRENS ISSUSES THAT THEY MIGHT HAVE BOTTLED UP INSIDE. WE ARE ALL DIFFERENT AND SO WE EXPRESS OUR HURT IN DIFFERENT WAYS. ME PERSONALLY I TRY TO COVER IT UP AND TRY TO NOT SHOW THE HURT I BE GOING THROUGH. THAT'S ONE OF THE REASON YOU THINK ME AND YOU ARE BUDDY BUDDY BECAUSE I LOVE YOU AND I SHOW IT TO THE BEST OF MY ABILITY. I DONT ARGUE WITH YOU OR CURSE YOU OUT UNLESS WE DOING IT TO EACHOTHER. WHY DO YOU THINK JAEQUITTA IS SO DIRESPECTFUL TO YOU? IT'S BECAUSE THAT'S PROBABLY THE ONLY WAY SHE KNOW HOW TO COPE WITH THE HURT THAT SHE HAS BEEN THROUGH IN I COPE WITH MINE BY TRYNA BE NICE AND BOTTLING EVERYTHING UP. IT'S REALLY NOT THAT YOU DONE SOMETHING TO ME PERSONALLY IT'S JUST WHAT YOU ARE DOING TO ALL OF US IN GENERAL...AND THAT'S NOT BEING THE REAL YOU (A DRUG FREE WOMAN/CRACK FREE WOMAN). I RATHER YOU SMOKE WEED INSTEAD OF CRACK BECAUSE WEED IS NOT ADDICTIVE...THEY SAY ONE DRUG LEADS TO ANOTHER BUT WHY WOULD I DO SOMETHING WHEN I SEE FIRST HAND HOW IT CAN TURN YOU INTO SOMETHING YOU DONT WANNA BE? I DONT KNOW NOTHING ABOUT PEOPLE WHO SMOKE CRACK ARE SKINNY AND THEY LOSE WEIGHT BECAUSE WHEN I USED TO SELL CRACK MY CLIENTS WHER BIG AND SKINNY AND MOST OF THEM HAD THEY OWN CAR AND OWN PLACES. SOME PEOPLE WHO ARE ADDICTED TO CRACK DO KNOW HOW TO CONTROL IT, I SEEN IT WITH MY OWN EYES. IN YOUR LETTER WHY DO YOU KEEP SAYING YALL? I DONT NEVER THROW UP THE FACT THAT YOU SMOKE CRACK IN YOUR FACE ALL THE TIME... DONT SAY I DO SOMETHING THAT I DONT DO CAUSE THROWING THAT IN YOUR FACE ALL THE TIME TO ME IS CONSIDERED DIRESPECTFUL. I DONT THROW THAT IN YOUR FACE ALL THE TIME YOU GOT ME CONFUSED WITH JAEQUITTA AND THE ONLY REASON WHY SHE DOING THAT EVEN THOUGH SHE SHOULDNT IS BECAUSE SHE JUST LIKE THE REST OF US GOT ISSUSES THAT NEED TO BE RESOVLED. WHEN WE GOT INTO A FIGHT I WAS NOT ON A PILL YOU JUST THOUGHT I WAS...YOU WAS PISSING ME OFF BECAUSE YOU WANTED SOME MORE MONEY REMEMBER AND YOU SAID I HAD HIT YOU. I APOLOGIZED TO YOU FOR THAT CAUSE GEECHI TOLD ME THAT WHEN WE WAS ARGUING I WAS SWINGING MY HANDS EVERY WHERE AND I HAD HIT YOU BY ACCIDENT... I DIDNT FEEL OR REALIZE THAT I HIT YOU AND I STILL DONT THINK I DID BUT GEECHI SAID I DID AND HE WAS THERE AND SAW THE WHOLE THING SO I CANT ARGUE AGAINST THAT WHICH IS WHY I APOLOGIZED AND TOLD THAT LAWYER TO DROP IT CAUSE I NEVER FOUGHT YOU BEFORE AND I WASNT BOUT TO COME TO COURT AGAINST MY MAMA. JUST LIKE YOU SAID YOU GOT FEELINGS TOO AND THEY MAY NOT SHOW BUT YOU ARE HURTING. THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT YOU BEEN THROUGH SOME SHIT IN YOUR LIFE AND YOUR KIDS HAVE BEEN THROUGH SOME SHIT TO SO ALL IN ALL DONT YOU THINK AFTER ALL THESE YEARS ITS BOUT TIME THAT YOU SHOW US HOW YOU FEEL AND SHOW SOME EMOTIONS INSTEAD OF SAYING YOU LOVE US AND SAYING YOU WANT TO SPEND MORE TIME WITH US. IT DONT MATTER THAT I MARRIED. IF WAYNE MOM WAS STILL ALIVE I KNOW HE WOULD CHERISH SPENDING AS MUCH TIME WITH HER AS HE DO WITH ME BECAUSE THAT'S HIS MOTHER. YOU BARELY CALL ME, AND I DONT HAVE NO WAY OF CONTACTING YOU...WHEN YOU WANT TO COME OVER THEN JUST COME. I KNOW I GOT A CAR NOW AND I DONT MIND COMING TO GET YOU AT ALL. THE 20 PAGE LETTER YOU WROTE ME IS THE MOST TALK OR FEELINGS I HAVE GOTTEN FROM YOU...I SHEDDED A FEW TEARS WHEN I READ THAT YOU SAID IT WAS YOUR FAULT AND YOU SORRY FOR WHAT I BEEN THROUGH AND THAT YOU THANK GOD I SURVIVED. YOU MAY NEVER KNOW HOW MUCH IT MEANT FOR ME TO READ THAT. EVEN IF YOU DIDNT PHYSICALLY SAY IT YOU WROTE IT DOWN AND TO ME EITHER WAY IT'S THE SAME THANG. AS FOR NAE NAE YOU DID LEAVE HER IN THE HOUSE YOUR OWN MAN EVEN SAID THAT YOU LEFTED HER AND YOU KNEW HE HAD TO GO TO WORK SO YOU CAN TAKE THAT UP WITH YOUR MAN AND YOUR OTHER DAUGHTER. YOU SAY THAT IF YOU WERE ON CRACK THEN SO WHAT IT'S YOUR BUISNESS AND YOU RIGHT ABOUT THAT BUT AINT NO WAY IN HELL IMMA STILL BE AROUND YOU WHILE YOU DOING IT SO YOU DECIDE WHAT YOU GON DO. YOU GROWN AND YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANT AND IM GROWN AND I CAN BE AROUND AND NOT BE AROUND WHOM EVER I WANT. YOU CAN NOT COMPARE WHAT YOU BEEN THROUGH TO WHATI'VE BEEN THROUGH. THAT SHIT JUST AINT RIGHT. YOU MY MAMA AND IF YOU WOULD HAVE TOOK CARE OF US ALL AND RAISED US TIL WE WAS ADULTS THEN WE WE HAVE NEVER WENT THROUGH WHAT WE'VE BEEN THROUGH! I DONT CARE WHO CALLED WHO AND HOW DEFACS GOT US. IF YOU REALLY WANTED US YOU COULD HAVE GOT US BACK BUT YOU DIDNT AND I USED TO ALWAYS THINK THAT YOU DIDNT CARE. THE REASON IM BRINGING THIS UP SO MUCH TIME LATER IS BECAUSE WE HAVENT BEEN LIVING TOGETHER OR SEEING MUCH OF EACHOTHER IN A FEW MONTHS AND I FIGURED YOU COULDNT GET MAD OR TRY TO FIGHT ME IN JAIL. YOU USED TO GET MAD AT JAEQUITTA IF SHE BROUGHT ANYTHANG UP ABOUT THE PAST AND THE NEXT THING YOU KNOW YALL START ARGUING. YOU ALWAYS SAY "IT'S IN THE PAST GET OVER I'M HERE NOW"... THAT DONT WORK FOR ME...IT AINT NO GETTING OVER NOTHING AND YOU MAY THINKS IT'S IN THE PAST BUT IT'S NOT, BECAUSE WE AINT NEVER GOT THINGS RESOLVED AND JUST BECAUSE YOU HERE NOW DONT MEAN THAT EVERYTHING IS GOING TO GO AWAY. I DONT EXSPECT FOR YOU TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT THE THINGS I'VE BEEN THROUGH CAUSE YOU CANT. I JUST WANT YOU TO ACKNOWLEDGE WHAT IVE BEEN THROUGH AND THAT YOU CARE....WHEN YOU DRUNK YOU SAY ANYTHANG AND I DONT BE LISTENING CAUSE IT DONT BE SINCERE IT BE THE LIQUOR TALKING. EVERYBODY KNOW WHEN YOU GET DRUNK YOU EITHER MAD AND FIGHTING, LOUD AND OUT OF CONTROL, OR CRYING BEING EMOTIONAL. YOU PROBABLY DONT THINK YOU ACT A CERTAIN WAY WHEN YOU HIGH OR DRUNK BUT YOU DO AND I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE THAT NOTICE IT. IT'S NOT THAT I'M SCARED TO TALK TO YOU...WHY WOULD I BE SCARED OF MY OWN MAMA? I JUST DONT EVER TELL YOU HOW I REALLY FEEL OR TRY TO TELL YOU BECAUSE I DONT WANT IT TO LEAD TO AN ARGUEMENT. IT'S SAD TO SAY BUT YOU ARE FIGHTING FOR THE LOVE OF YOUR CHILDREN AND SOME YOU ARE FIGHTING FOR RESPECT. IT'S FUNNY THAT YOU SAY I'M JUST LEARNING HOW TO SPELL JAMARCUS NAME AND THAT'S ASHAME AINT IT? HELL DID YOU KNOW THAT I DIDNT KNOW WHAT HE LOOKED LIKE TILL I VISITED HIM AND I STILL DONT KNOW WHAT GARY LOOK LIKE BESIDES THE PICTURE FROM THE INTERNET AND THAT'S ASHAME TOO AINT IT? WELL GUESS WHAT? WHO FAULT IS IT THAT I BARELY KNOW MY OWN BROTHERS AND THE REST OF MY FAMILY IN DAYTON OHIO? IT SURE AINT MY FAULT BUT I WONDER WHO FAULT IT IS THOUGH???????????????? YOUR SONS ARE THE ONES WHO WRITE ME PRESSURING ME IN TO KEEP TELLING YOU TO WRITE THEM AND HOW YOU NEVER WRITE THEM NO MORE. YOU AINT GOT TO WRITE THEM ONLY WHEN YOU GOT MONEY THAT SOUNDS RIDICULOUS...THOSE YOUR SONS YOU CAN WRITE THEM JUST SO THAT THEY CAN HEAR FOM YOU...REAL TALK! ONE OF THEM COULD HAVE DIED IN PRISON AND YOU NORE WOULD JAEQUITTA KNOW UNLESS I TOLD YALL...JAEQUITTA DONT WRITE THEM EITHER AND THEY TELL ME TO TELL HER TO WRITE THEM TO BUT HELL IT AINT MY JOB TO MAKE SURE YALL WRITE THEM. I KNOW WHATS GOING ON WITH MY BROTHERS SO I AINT WORRIED. THEY THE ONES WANT TO HEAR FROM YALL. YOU ARE TAKING IT TO THE EXTREME WHEN YOU SAY YOU GAVE US/ME MONEY ALL THE TIME...HELL I WISH YOU DID BUT NAW NOT ME YOU GOT ME CONFUSED WITH JAEQUITTA, BUT THEN AGAIN SHE SAID SHE DONT RECALL THAT EITHER. MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE WHEN YOU HIT THE CASH THREE LOTTO BUT HELL WHAT WAS THAT? I DONT EXSPECT FOR YOU TO GIVE ME MONEY ANYWAY. IM MARRIED AND WAYNE THE ONLY PERSON EXSPECT TO GIVE ME MONEY. EVEN IF YOU WAS TO WIN A MILLION DOLLARS I WOULDNT EXSPECT A DIME FROM YOU. THAT'S FUCKED UP BUT I THINK YOU FIND IT HARD TO GIVE ESPECIALLY IF IT'S MONEY NO MATTER IF THEY ARE FAMILY....I KNOW THAT'S MESSED UP BUT THAT'S JUST HOW I THINK DESPITE ALL THAT I LOVE YOU LIKE HELL. NEVER DID I ONCE ASK YOU TO KISS MY ASS AND CONVINCE ME THAT YOU AINT ON CRACK. IF YOU ARE THEN YOU ARE AND I JUST WANT YOU TO STOP LIEING ABOUT IT SO I CAN MOVE ON...IT'S NONE OF MY BUSINESS LIKE YOU SAID AND LIKE IM SAYING RIGHT NOW I DONT WANT TO AND IM NOT GOING TO BE AROUND YOU WHILE YOU DOING CRACK BECAUSE ALL YOU DOING IS KILLING YOURSELF AND I REFUSE TO WATCH YOU DIE FROM CRACK COCAINE....AS LONG AS WEED HAS BEEN INVENTED YOU AINT NEVER HEARD OF NOBODY DIEING OR OVERDOSING FROM IT AND THAT'S A FACT. I NEED TO GET A JOB BECAUSE WAYNE NEED HELP AND PLUS I KNOW THAT IF I HAD A JOB HE WOULDNT MIND HELPING ME OUT WITH PAYING FOR COUNSELING SESSIONS CAUSE THAT IS ONE THING THAT WE ALL NEED NOT JUST ME AND YOU. I LOVE YOU AND KNOW THAT I DONT ALWAYS GO BY WHAT I HEAR, I GO BY HOW YOU ACT AND WHAT I'VE SEEN SO DONT ASSUME THAT JAEQUITTA IS PUTTING THINGS IN MY HEAD NAND TRYING TO TURN ME AGAINST YOU BECAUSE IT'S NOT TRUE AND TO BE HONEST I'M NOT AGAINST YOU AT ALL I'M WITH YOU. YOU THINK I DONT WANT YOU IN MY LIFE??? WELL YOU THOUGHT WRONG BECAUSE I NEED YOU IN MY LIFE. JUST BECAUSE I'M MARRIED DONT CHANGE THE FACT THAT YOU ARE MY MOTHER AND NO MATTER HOW OLD I GET I'MMA ALWAYS NEED AND LOVE YOU. CAN'T YOU SEE THAT ALL YOUR CHILDREN WANT IS FOR YOU TO BE PLAIN OH ALECIA TARA MILERSON OUR MAMA THE WOMAN THAT GAVE BIRTH TO US... I DONT HAVE THIS PICTURE IN MY MIND OF A ADDICT I HAVE A PICTURE OF YOU BEING LIKE YOU WERE ON THE DAYS WHEN YOU WERE SOBER(WHENEVER THOSE DAYS CAME). WHEN YOU ARE SOBER YOU ARE SO DIFFERENT FROM WHEN YOU AINT SOBER... I LOVE YOU MORE WHEN YOU SOBER BECAUSE WHEN YOU ARE SOBER I BE THINKING TO MYSELF "IF ONLY SHE COULD STAY LIKE THIS FOREVER". I KNOW YOU CAN BE A NORMAL MOTHER BECAUSE I'VE SEEN YOU DO IT BEFORE. P.S. I LOVE YOU MAMA AND I WOULD NEVER TRY TO HURT YOU PURPOSELY AND IF I DO OR EVER DID I APOLOGIZE FOR REAL BECAUSE MY INTENTIONS ARE NOT TO HURT YOU. I'M NOT APOLOGIZING FOR THE WAY I FEEL...I'M APOLOGIZING FOR ANY HURT I MAY HAVE CAUSED YOU! I LOVE YOU LIKE WHOA!!!!!!!!!!!!HAHAHA!!!!! IT IS WHAT IT IS STAY TRU N REAL MRS MILLER