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Jan Ullrich's Blog

  • Shame, shame, forever shame...

    This may be the last blog for a while.

    It's hard to sum up the disappointment that comes with an announcement like this. 

    I love Jan Ullrich.  I love him for his class. I love him for all the shit he eats from the press.  I love him because he couldn't beat the arrogant Texan with a baseball bat, but Jesus did he try.  I also love him for his near-genius ability to fuck things up no matter how much natural talent God gave him, and always seemingly at the last moment.

    But I hate this, and regardless of what comes out of this, Jan definitely had contact with that sleazy doctor, and Jan definitely lied about it.  Innocent until proven guilty, but if you're T-Mobile, and staring at a very likely Tour de France victory, everything you've dumped hundreds of millions of dollars into for the last five years, you don't pull Jan out of the Tour unless you've seen some pretty hard evidence.  And then for CSC to pull Basso AFTER Jan is already gone?  Ivan Basso was nearly guaranteed a free ride to the Yellow Jersey with Jan gone, so don't tell me CSC didn't see something scary.

    This is a disappointment on many levels for me, but it's a slap in the face to everyone who loves the sport, to every CAT racer out there grinding it out in Nowhereland for a place on a rickety plywood podium, and everyone who just gets out and rides.

    If I'm going to cheer for anyone, I'm going to cheer for David Millar, who has been brutally honest about what he did, and is now trying to ride the Grand Boucle without anything in his bloodstream, unlike God-knows-how-many other riders in the peloton.

    Thanks for reading, let's hope Jan and Ivan get themselves straightened out, and lets hope for the best Tour de France in 20 years.

    Get out and ride.

  • Quit being harshing the Jan's buzz.

    Listen, OK, the Jan was just going to be taking this time to be preparing for the Tour.  It is only being in like, some days from now.  The Jan must be focused! 

    It is kind of being like those dreams where you are at the last day of school and suddenly you are realizing that you have not been being studied for your final in the Maths, and you are all like, "Oh, the Jan is totally fuschieked now!"  And then the principal is being calling you to his office, and it is not being the principal, but instead it is being the bearer of the One True Ball!  And he is being very angry, and he is being pulling down your lederhosen and spanking you, and your Grandmama is there and she is being crying in shame, and then you are waking up and you are being covered in sweat and you are doing the heavy breathing thing from the movies, and then your girlfriend is being like, "Hey, the Jan, first of all, thanks for the totally great sexes you are always being giving me, you are being the best with the sex," and then you are all like, "Ja, the Jan is being good at the sexes.  It is known."  And then she is being like, "Hey, what's the matter?"  And you are all like, "I was being crying, and the Lance was spanking the Jan's tushy in front of the Nana, and, and..."  And then she is being like, "Hey, shhh...  There, there now.  You were just having a bad dream.  Come on now, there, there..."  And then she is hugging you, and you are feeling better.  But then, the camera is slowly zooming in, and, geschissen!  She is not being the girlfriend.  She is the Lance!  Aaaaaaaaaaaaaggghhhhhhhhhhhh!

    Man, the Jan just blew his own fucking mind.

    OK, listen, the point is, the Jan is trying to be focusing, and instead, he is getting the hammering by all the press.  Did the Jan take drugs?  When did the Jan take drugs?  Hey Jan, we are hearing that you are being totally awesome at the sexes, care to comment?  (That question is being acceptable.)

    For once and the all, let the Jan put this straight.  The Jan did not take the performance-enhancing drugs.  Listen, if it was being the offseason, the Jan would be totally like, "Hey bro-ham, are you being holding?  Suh-weeet.  The Jan is being having the rolling papers if you are being having the weed."  The Jan is being liking to party, and to do the disco dancing, it is well known.

    But the Jan does not do the transfusions of blood, or the micro-injections of EPO, or the eating of the horse testicles for strength. 

    The Jan is being a simple man.  The Jan takes in schnitzel and beer, and outputs death and pain.  It is being that simple.

    People are being trying to distract the Mighty Jan.  They are gnats circling around the head of a giant.  It is not even being worth the time it would take to pull off their legs and force feed them to their children.  You may try to distract the mighty Jan, you may try to beat him down with your lies, with your rumors, with your inuendos, but your words are being raindrops on the back of a mountain.

    People of France, gather your children.  Run to the hills.  For the Jan is coming.  And death rides with him.

  • The Jan has answers.

    You know, people are always being saying to the Jan, "Oh god!  Oh God, NO!  Please!  Please God, have mercy!  I don't even know you!  Why would you do that?  Someone HELP....  aargggchhhhh...."

    Also, one time, a guy was being saying to the Jan, "Hey, the Jan."

    And the Jan was like, "Yes, mortal."

    And the guy was like, "Hey, you should totally be doing a mailbag sometime."

    And the Jan was like, "You bore me.  The Jan will see your kidneys now."

    But later, when the Jan had washed off, I thought, "This is maybe being a good idea.  Yes, the Jan shall do a mailbag." 

    So the Jan had the sweet sex with a bag of mail.  This was not, in fact, a good idea.  What can the Jan say, things got weird.

    But the Jan is here to answer your questions.  Go ahead, the Jan is always listening.  And watching.

    Q:  Dear the Jan, you are being so great and totally awesome.  I am a worm beneath the unholy heel of your clipless pedal shoes.  Should I be taking the drugs to match one tenth of your awesome, earth shattering power?  - Steve from Vancouver

    A:  Yes.

    Q:  Oh great and mighty Jan, who doth fill this vale of tears with fire and death with every stroke of your massive thighs, why do you ride such big gears. - Eli from Valencia

    A.  Because the cycling is pain.  The cycling is soul crushing pain.  The cycling is meant to make mothers weep, to make children scream, to crush the souls of the weak.  The cycling is not spin class.  Sure the Jan could ride a gear that is being the size of a tea cup, like Marinara Boy Basso, but the Jan is not here to dance.  The Jan is here to reap. 

    Q.  Oh my cruel dark lord, the Jan, master of all that dies and is never reborn.  What is with Dave Zabriskie? - Sara from, um, the Antartica.

    A.  The Jan is having no idea.  Dave Zabriskie is being the only mortal on this earth that is giving the Jan the willies.  The Jan sees him in the interviews and it is like, dude, that guy is totally being a psycho robot.  He is being having less personality than a roll of carpet.  Personally, the Jan thinks he is being invented by Bjarne Riis and the CSC as an android who feels no pain, which is being the only way he is coming close to challenging the Jan in the time trials.

    Q.  Oh the Jan, you are dark and evil and blah, blah, etc., etc.  So.  What was with "The Look" everyone talks about that the Lance was being giving you in the 2001 Tour?  Shoe - from, oh, let's say, Closet

    A.  Yes, well, it may be being hard for to you to be believing, but even with one ball, that guy is still a massive dick.

  • The Basso's fear is smelling like cigarettes and back hair. No, wait. That's just the Basso.

    I am the Jan. I am the Destroyer of Worlds.

    So, fuck ja.  The Jan is being rocking the road, bros.  If you are not being hearing yet, the Jan is totally living up to his yearbook pledge of having a K/A summer.  Of course, in the Jan's yearbook there were also many entreaties to "Stay Sweet," which the Jan was obviously ignoring.

    Another Tour de Suisse in the can, and now it is being time for the Suisse-France double.  Only the Mighty Uniballed One has done it, back in 2001, and before that, only Merckxxkexa-7.  (Note to self: the Jan must learn to spell more things better-y.)

    They are being loving the Jan in Switzerland, which is being kind of weird because the Swiss are being like the Vanilla Ice Cream of nations, while if the Jan were an ice cream, he would be the Chocolate Double Fudge with Chunks of Blood and Baby Tears.  But whatever, the Jan is being cool with it.

    There was being much rain and wind and lightning when Jan did begin to pedal yesterday, but that was totally being the Jan's fault.  The Jan must be careful when pedaling, for when the Jan's massive thighs begin to spin so close together, they are creating a low pressure system centered on the Jan's "special place" that is often causing massive weather anomalies and atmospheric disturbances.  It can be embarassing.  There have been many cases where the Jan is being totally breaking it down on the dance floor, and then busts out with the Jan's favorite move, the Roger Rabbit, and then whole villages are blown away into ash and smoke, and for nights afterward there are being many sightings of strange lights in the sky.

    So, the Jan saw that the CSC won the Team Time Trial in Eindhoven yesterday.  Ooooooooooo.

    Please.

    The T-Mobile plan was actually being for Jan to compete in both events yesterday, and for the Team Time Trial the entire T-Mobile team would simply crawl onto the Jan's back, and then hold onto each other like some giant pink sphere of pain, and the Jan would just carry them the whole way.  We even thought of maybe just driving the T-Mobile team bus onto my back and the Jan could just carry that, but when we tried it, little Matty Kessler started crying and said he was being scared and then he wouldn't get in the bus, and I'm like, Bro!  Get in the fucking bus!  I am, like, already having the bus on my back!  You better get freaking in there, crap face!  But he wouldn't. 

    Sheep.  The Jan is surrounded by sheep.

    On the good news, the Jan is thinking he going to be starting updating regularly in the run-up to the Tour.  The Jan is thinking of doing a daily update for the Tour, even, and like putting fancy computer internets graphics and stuff on his page.  The Jan is being a little surprised at the many thousands of daily hits he is getting, and he is even breaking the top 100 blogs of the MySpace sometimes, which is meaning that the fans of the Jan are probably mostly a bunch of 40 year-old pederasts and maybe only 17 people who actually are liking to ride the bikes.

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