kazzie

Who I'd like to meet:

Any child who needs help to survive child abuse.
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MySpace Graphics & MySpace Codes I would like to meet Anyone who has survived against the odds, we all have a story to tell here is mine please feel free to drop by and share yours.


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I would also like to meet the most inspirational woman in the world Ms Oprah Winfrey,Mr Nelson Mandella whom can only be descibed as a true saint. For my humourous side I find meeting David Letterman would be a battle of the wits, ha ha, and Kevin Rudd our new prime minister. I would also like to meet anyone who is true and real, with something interesting to say. Here follows my story.
MySpace Graphics & MySpace Codes STRENGTH OF SELF A thousand lifetimes lived and I am twenty two I wanted to share my journey to the place I am now with all my friends, to show that no matter how tough the hurt or betrayal, we feel or have had inflicted on us, we choose our future pathway’s even if we don’t realise it. Here is how I learnt if you have inner strength you can and will survive. I was nine years old, I was a happy outgoing child who thought she had the best family in the world. Oh how wrong, this nine year old was. In one movement my life changed so dramatically, I was no longer that child nothing made me smile, nothing made me happy. I was a frightened little girl who felt all alone and for the first time I was experiencing something foreign. Fear. What should a nine year old know of fear? Nothing should be the answer you say out aloud as you read this. The abuse was profound in its cruelty absurd in its action and something at nine I thought would surely kill me. By twelve I was no longer scared, I was angry and my theory was to read and learn as one thing this battered soul knew, was knowledge was power and one day that power would help me escape this nightmare. I didn’t like the kid I had become, but for that matter neither did anyone else and that suited me fine. My sixth grade teacher asked me what had happened to me, I was still a straight A student, but with an attitude from hell, or at least that’s how he told it to my folks after he called them to the school. You can only but imagine the outcome of that conversation. The brutality of the abuse cause my internals organs to collapse, upon being rushed to the hospital for major reconstructive surgery on my tiny body, as I came to there were my loving doting parents standing by my bed. As I opened my eyes, my father told my mother to go get the nurse, the minute she left the room he said the doctors tell me you ended up in this state because you must be a promiscuous young thing, I wish I could have screamed are you joking. That was the day I knew god had surely abandoned me, it was also the day I knew if I got the chance I would and was capable of killing this monster. I was barely thirteen. I went home some weeks later from the hospital and when I was changing to get into my own bed he walked in with that look. I knew to protest only made matters worse but today was the last day he would hurt me. I wasn’t wrong he beat me as he abused me then because I dared to open my mouth he hit me so hard he knocked me out. To be honest I don’t remember but I bet I was grateful. That night I packed a bag and knew I had to escape this man before one of us ended up dead, so the next morning I ran and until I got to the train station and the ticket master asked me where I was going I realised I didn’t have a clue. So I just said to the city. I wandered the streets alone but strangely enough not frightened I figured what could anyone else do to me, that hasn’t been done before. Second lesson in being horribly wrong. As night fell I took refuge in a doorway, I must have fallen asleep then I woke with a man standing over me asking if I was ok. He was driving a white van, and said he was from one of those charity places that look’s after homeless kids. I was naive and had seen the adds on the TV so I thought to go with him was the safest bet. Third mistake. He was not from any charity he was from the charity know as prey on young girls, he raped and beat me worse than even I thought possible he then dumped me on the side of the road. So here I am its cold and raining and its three in the morning, now the fear returned, I managed to get to a phone box and the only place to call was home, I had decided at least there I knew when it was coming and at least I could shower. On the third ring my father picked the phone and screamed at me for worrying my mother and the like, he told me to stay put and he would come get me. The trip home he yelled and yelled not noticing my badly rearranged body. That was until we pulled into our driveway. Then he proceeded to tell this was all my fault and then he told me to get inside and get cleaned up. He said, I will tell your mother you were in an accident. I said you bastard and as I did he lifted his hand to strike me. I said in a cold even tone, you will never touch me again as if you do I will kill you without hesitation, he lowered his hand, I guess the hunter was now the hunted and he knew it. I finished my schooling and got the grades needed to go on to university to study Law. My mother wanted me to be a ballet dancer, I played baseball, she wanted me to do medicine, I did law. So as you understand the family structure; My mother and father had been the only partners each was to have or at least that’s what my mother, lead me to believe, and of course for him I knew better, he was a high ranking military person and to all the world the most wonderful loving husband and father you could ever want, yep that was us the nice family on the hill. My brother was nine years my senior and he was a quite man he was also my dads number one and it was obvious yet to say anything would only bring rebuke and the throngs of me being jealous, I remember thinking Oh please. I never had a relationship with a man until by choice until I met my husband when I was thirty five. Yes I do have a daughter but that is another story. Before the birth of my daughter my father died and that was my first thought of god in almost twenty years as I thought well you didn’t protect me but as the monster is dead maybe he was looking out for my little angel. Then believing all the bad stuff was behind me, my little girl and me flourished. Then when she was two the next bombshell would be dropped on my shoulders by now I am twenty two. I was to find out that the woman I believed to be my mother was actually my aunt and the man I knew as father was really not related to me at all other than by marriage. Back in the day it seems they did things like giving there babies to siblings if there was a way of hiding the family shame. This through me into a spin I wasn’t sure I could come out of. Yesterday I knew who I was, today I wasn’t the person they said I was. I didn’t fit and even in my fractured life I knew who I was. Now I looked in the mirror and nothing everything about me was a lie. So I somehow managed to keep working my three jobs and got my degree then, life became liveable but I soon realised that all this pent up anger and unresolved pain was not allowing me to move forward, I was weighted down with the lies and demons of the past. So I sat down took a pen and some paper and looked at this fractured life and all its ills and found a positive from everything that had ever happened to me know matter how bad the hurt or the memory. The moral and the reason I have shared this with you all is to show I have never believed your circumstance should render you a victim. It renders you to have made bad choices because to do otherwise, to survive I am living proof all you need to do is resolve all the bad stuff make your peace with what you cannot change, and give yourself permission to take your life back and make it what you will. God knows I had, had enough of the way of others. I am humbled by the very real honest open and caring people I have met here and call you all friends, you all in your own way hold a piece of who I continue to be. I hope you are all in a peaceful place surrounded by those you love and who love you in return. Be happy kazzie xo