Mrs. May's Blog
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As you may or may not know I sell car warranties. My company is one of 8 in the state of Missouri. We are the only one currently not being sued by the State for unlawful practices. However, even though my company is on the up and up. The clientle does leave somthing to be disired for. A friend who used to work here sent me an email. I was so insipred; here ya go.
People who can officially stop calling me:
1. People who already have a warranty on their car--If you are so stupid you can't see past a form letter, please do us all a favor and kill yourself, or at least have the common decency to get sterilized so as not to pollute the gene pool further.
2. The completely distracted mother of 16 who is calling me from her shoe--Look, either find a quiet closet or don't make the goddamn call, 'k? 'k.
3. The person of ethnic distinction who's TV/Radio/Ipod/ETC is up so loud that it's hurting my ears through the phone and yet won't turn it down who says "what?" after every sentence I utter--Yes, we all love Master P and I can't get enough of that weird Middle eastern pop music, but for the love of mike, give me 120 seconds to pitch you in silence.
4. People who are REALLY REALLY SICK--I'm sorry you don't feel well, I really am, but please go to bed and get some rest, don't subject me to your stuffy, sniffly, snot-slurping call.
5. People who have no clue what they are driving--I'm not a car guy, either, but come on, you don't even know what year it is? Really? I think it has about 20000 miles, you look and it has 63456? Really? 2 or 4 wheel drive, you have no idea? What's the difference? How many miles are on the car? Why does that matter? Get a clue, or get off my line.
6. People who don't speak English--Sorry, I know its insensitive, but the letter was in English, and you gotta expect the guy on the other end of the line to be speaking the same. Be prepared for that when you call.
7. People who are eating when they call me--Hey, if I call you and catch you on your lunch hour, I guess I can understand you being rude. Don't pick up the phone in the middle of your big mac and call me to fill you in on this thing. The same goes if you are cooking, washing dishes, or vaccuuming.
8. Mean people--I know it sounds funny, but some people are just predisposed to hate everyone and are in a bad mood all the time. I have no time in my life for people who are willing to be rude to a complete stranger on the phone when the stranger has given you no reason to do so. Go kick your cat, leave me alone.
9. Litigious idiots--I know in America "I'll sue you" has replaced "E Pluribus Unum," but really, what do you think the Attorney General's office is really going to do for you because we sent you a piece of unsolicited mail, or that said mail informed you your warranty "may have expired or may be expiring soon?" And don't give me the old Better Business Bureau or Channel 2 nonsense, either. You're going to get off the phone, yell at nobody, and sit there and take it like we all do.
10. Ridiculously Old People--I'm going to catch some flak for this, but hear me out. I ask "how long do you plan to drive the car" I am tired of hearing "till I die." It makes me uncomfortable trying to gauge your longevity in order to schill my wares. And quit telling me you are on a fixed income. It sounds stupid. Almost everyone in the world is on a fixed income, no matter what their age.
11. People who want to share WAY too much information--I don't know what happened, one minute I'm telling you about coverage for your minivan, the next minute you are telling me the pastor molested your daughter. I REALLY don't want to know. And that goes double for divorcees, widows, widowers, and anyone else who wants to tell me their life story in 3 minutes. I….DO….NOT….CARE….. I have my own problems and have very little time for yours.
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I want to be rich. Really rich. So rich that it makes other people angry and want to hurt someone. But I won't havce to worry if it's me b/c I will be able to buy them off. If it's good enough for Paris Hilton, it's gotta work for me. there is no way that people actually enjoy her company.
I want to have a perfect wedding. I want people to say "Wow that Ashley is one classy dame." Yes, I am shallow and self-depricaating enough to think that's what it takes. I want shiny things and cherubs and I want that ray of sun to shine down as the clouds part like in a Bob Ross painting. It's a shame he died. He produced such a volume of art (I do use the term loosely) in such a short time. 30mins and you were in a wooded hide away in a great piney forest. Did you know he tamed a squirrel? How (and why for that matter) does one tame a squirrel? But I digress I am bitching about what I want.
I want a house. And for this I don't even want a huge house. I want a nice little ranch with three bedrooms and a yard. I want a dog. Mainly b/c I have been thinking about taking up being cruel to aminals and I think that's a step in the right direction considering I have a cat. I think that I will have a fountian out in the back. The sound of running water makes me calm and I need that.
I want to be a really awesome step mom. I want to provide the routine and consistancey that he is otherwise lacking form other influences in his short life thus far. I want to be cool but frim and fun but realistic in expectations. I love him so much but there are time I just want to mush peoples faces and say "Really? How can you possibly think that is a good idea?" But I can't so I simply suggest an alternative. I want him to be able to know that when it really counts he has a support system that will come through for him and help him make a plan for the next time. I want him to excel.
I want to not have to stress about a job that very seriously have no control over. I could talk to 40 people, I could talk to 12. I even get people that don't know why they dialed a phone to talk to me. How is that possible? How have you not been irradicated from the gene pool yet? Darwin where are you? Don't get me wrong I'm glad that our society has ways of prolonging people and saving lives but there should possibly be a pre-requisit test that people must go thru. If I need a licence that is so hard to get most people need to take it at least twice to pass, to even talk to these people, they should be required rto be able to read. And to get anti-biotics. ie Man is rushed to ER for massive head trauma. Conciderable blood loss, luckily there were other people at the scene to call 911. Friend rides in ambulance to ER to explain details. Horrible accident. Person is lucky to be alive. Sounds ligit to start right? Here's a pic from right before the accident:
"I'm sorry sir, we are unable to treat you based on recently passed legislation."
I want a concrete from Silky's. Hot fudge and butterfinger.
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So I fell out of a moving car. No really. I FELL OUT of a goddam car. It wasn't even cool like a high speed pursuit where I had to tuck and roll to escape the quickly encroaching villains. Nope I fell out, on my ass, and shaved off the skin on the right side of my body. Not here *indicates top of head* or here so much *indicates tips of toes* but right in here *gingerly indicates entire right side of body* All I wanted to do was pass out candy to children, laugh at how cute they are, pass out from sugar OD by 8:30pm. Instead, I cried and felt sorry for myself. Then, OD on chocolate and pain killers. Although for any of you that know me, I typically call that "Friday" but whatever. It's pretty gnarly in all reality and I ended up missing 2 days last week b/c I have not mastered remaining on the inside of a moving vehicle. That is my usual position, inside not dangling by an ankle as the car grinds to a halt. I now find, not only is more fuel efficient, it slightly less windy. Plus, there's no blood loss, and the copious amounts of ibuprofen costs. Just a tip, stay in the car.
word.