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There was this one time...when I was learning to talk, and I like to strip out of my clothes and run outside to yell, "I'm free!" I think I was about two. My sister used to put ketchup in my milk and tell me it was blood and that I had to drink it (hey, she was twice my size). I repaid that later to my younger brother. I used to run for no particular reason, like I wasn't being chased by dogs or anything. I went to a school with the best landscaping in America. I spent years pretending to launch nukes. I love cheese. I believe that someday lefthanded people will rule the world. And then we'll make all the righties sit at lefty desks and take really important tests. I'm not bitter. I think honesty is important, unless you're talking about my smell. I think there's definitely times for seriousness, but it's annoying when people take themselves too seriously. I like quality people, funny people, or people with lots of money. I like hot women. I mean, who doesn't?

I would really like to meet Elvis. Elvis, are you there? no? OK...well, how about some aliens. Actually, no. I'd probably freak out and piss myself, like that time last year at Disneyland. Let's see...Joan of Arc would be cool. I wonder if she would have set off my gaydar or not. Hmmm...well, if I can't meet any of those...things, then maybe someone who would like to support me so I can quit my job and travel around the country making up jokes. Or just travel around the country. America is so interesting. I mean, how many countries have the largest ball of string? I guess only one country can have the "largest". But maybe there's some other countries that the "Not quite as big but only just so ball of string". Or "not nearly as large as America, but still quite impressive for our population ball of string". Of course, there's always the country of "we don't care about the size of our balls-we're too busy slaving for 19 cents a day so Wal-Mart can sell balls of string". I don't know what country that would be. Of course, if you hear about a ball of string in some other country, please let me know as soon as possible so I have a good excuse to go there.