I named my life sized Barbie Sparkle Rainbow Unicorn Stew Pond.

When I was younger, I once told my mom I wished my name was Tooty Toot Toot.

When I was two my mom asked me to go upstairs and get a diaper, I came back with a pair of her underwear.

I once told my nurse I was born in Sam Goody (I really meant Good Sam) and was surprised when she seemed so shocked by it.

This one time I decided to go ride my bike after school, so I strapped on my really lame helmet with a visor on it and started biking. As I was riding down a hill I heard a bus coming behind me so I thought to myself that if I closed my eyes the kids in the bus wouldn't see me. I was wrong and ran into a fence.

Contrary to popular belief, I did not throw a chair at my 1st grade teacher. I was having a tantrum and threw it in her general direction. The chair did not touch her. And now I don't even have any proof or evidence that it didn't hit her, because the only person that would know (i.e, my 1st grade teacher) died.

When I went to Disney World when I was younger, I wouldn't go and hug Winnie the Pooh because I thought his nose was made of bees.

Very long ago when I was standing at a table with my good friend, her father mistook me for her. He started giving me a massage and i didn't know what to do because I was so horrified. Eventually, he realized that I was not his daughter and asked me why I hadn't said anything.

For years, my next door neighbor was dead-set on killing me and one day decided to pursue his dream by trying to run me over with his car.

In math class, my phone went off when it was dead silent. What was more humiliating than forgetting to turn off my phone, was the fact that the ring tone was "Overprotected" by Britney Spears.

Gia and I were chasing Michael R. one day in 6th grade and he slipped and his tooth broke. Mrs. Mensing blamed it on me and gave me recess detention for the rest of the year.

Speaking of Mrs. Mensing, she once threw my history report in my face and told me I failed because it was boring. And then she got into a car accident and had to wear big, silly hats (which were apparently the hats of Alliy Drago's mother. Brilliant.) to cover her bald spot. Or maybe it was a brain tumor...

In Nyack once I was singing the Bumble Bee song and some guy yelled at me from across the street saying, "SHUT THE FUCK UP, WHITE BITCH. NAH NAH I'M JUS PLAYIN', I'M JUS PLAYIN'." Even though I know he really wasn't kidding.

Speaking of being white, one summer at the pool my father interrupted a conversation I was having to ask me, "Leia, how is your alabaster skin doing in the sun?"

Sam, Chelsea, and I were one night were stranded in Nyack because our ride couldn't give us a ride anymore and I was so angry that I spun around fast and slammed into a parking meter at 50 mph.

Speaking of getting hit in the face really hard, in Latin class one day, Eric yelled, "HEY LEIA, THINK FAST" and then threw his binder at my face.

I took Latin for two years, and in those two years I learned two things. One was the Active and Passive verb endings and the second was that "niggardly" means to be a "cheap bastard."

In Latin class, I would sit in a corner with Alison and we would pretend to be amazing artists and draw in notebooks. I thought I could draw, but the truth is, is that I can't. The only thing I have ever drawn that I'm proud of is this.

My mom and I were picking Gia up from her 9th grade trip to Maine from TPS and Stelle and Claire decided it would be hilarious to hide in a truck and scare the 9th graders. I went to knock on the door of the trunk of the car and tell them it was a stupid idea, but they got the wrong picture and opened the door full-force and broke my nose. I was crying really hard when I went to give Bianca a hug and she said, "It's been so long!" When she noticed I was bawling she said, "It hasn't been that long."

One Christmas morning, my sister Stelle punched me in the nose because I told her to not peek at the presents. With blood dripping down my face, I told her she had ruined Christmas and she ran up the stairs crying.

In Kindergarten I got into fights with my friend Cameron over whether or not there were hills on the way to her house (there are hills btw).

Gia and I went to a comedy club a few years ago. Afterwards, as we were walking around, a man who had dreadlocks and was dancing for a bunch of people eating out of tin cans, tried to literally kiss my butt. Or maybe he was trying to sniff it, either way it was violating.

I once had to read a poem my friend wrote for poetry circle night at my old school because I was too shy to read anything I wrote. I managed to fucked it up. Instead of "The wind was blowing through the leaves," I said "The wind was bwowing phew duh weaves."

Ms. Sherwin messed up on the piano my first singing recital. I was singing "Who Will Buy" from Oliver. I started crying and tried to hide it so no one would notice and she said really loudly, "DON'T CRY, LEIA!" This just made me cry harder. Thanks, Ms. Sherwin.

On the way to Nantucket for the second time this summer, Alison and I were stuck in traffic next to a really smokin' hot guy. We started taking pictures of him and he noticed and got really freaked out and sped away.

When I was in about 6th grade, my friend was talking about how her dad is a senior citizen and how he gets discounts now. I joined in the conversation by saying, "You know what that means, right? It means your dad is going to die soon." She started crying and her and my other friend shunned me for the rest of the day. I didn't get it.

When I took Karate, someone in my class would always have to go to the bathroom really bad. Because of the whole "discipline" principle of Karate, they would not be allowed to go unless it was an emergency. Well, some kids didn't realize when it would be an emergency and ended up pissing all over themselves, and the mat. Usually that person was right next to me.

When I was three or so, "naked" was not the right word...the right word was "snake-ed."

I believed in Santa until about 4th or 5th grade (I could just end the story here). I would get in arguments with my classmates over whether or not he existed. When I asked my mom, "Is Santa real?" She replied with, "Do you want to know the truth?" so she told me the truth. The next day I walked into her room very upset and said, "Does that mean the elves aren't real too?"

One night my parents were watching a Fred Astaire movie when I walked in and heard my mom say, "Wow, he really is the best dancer!" Expecting her to flatter my ego, I asked, "But mommy, don't you think I'm a better dancer?" and she said (very bluntly, I'll add), "No." And believe it or not, I cried.

All my life I have had an issue with my name. I have been called "Leah" more times than I have actually been called "Leia." I have been related to "Princess Leia" more than I can possibly recall. Whenever someone meets me for the first time they always call me "Leah," and I have to correct them and say, "No, Leia," and then they always go, "Lie-ah?" ...No.

In the car on the way home from school one day in the third grade, I cried "I'M JUST LIKE VINCENT VAN GOGH, I HAVEN'T HAD A DAY IN MY LIFE WHERE I HAVEN'T CRIED!"

I was putting together the Valentines day cards for my classmates one year, I was sick, and I was tired of licking the envelopes. I asked my mom to do it for me and when she asked why I said, "Well, you know when you lick the furniture..." ...Because we all lick the furniture, Leia.

In the 5th grade, I asked people if they wanted to join the "Pen 15" club. I made the mistake of asking my 5th grade teacher.

Of Montreal's been one of my favorite bands since I first started getting into music, so it was really great to finally be able to see them live and get to have them be my first photo pass too. On the way, our car died in the middle of the west side highway.Not only that, but when we were exiting the car in fear of our lives, we stood behind the guard rail because we thought that'd be a better idea. As my mom was getting out of the car, the tickets decided to come with her. I did a very dramatic leap with an added "THE TICKETTTTSSSS!" and flipped over the guard rail, cutting my knees, elbows and hands. I laid on the pavement for a few seconds, kind of in shock not knowing whether or not to cry or laugh, with my face pressed against the lovely new york city ground repeating ow's and I think I broke my elbow, it's all over now!" We did end up getting to the concert, on the bright side...

In 3rd grade, I was failing French because I couldn't tell time in French. Well, I couldn't tell time in English either. Sad thing is, I'm still too lazy to learn how to read analog clocks well.

Last summer in Nantucket around 3 am one morning, after a night of misadventures and other unmentionables, Alison decided she was hungry and started making eggs. Soon after she began to cook, her mom called her into her room...I was on the phone so I forgot she was cooking. Before I know it, the eggs are catching fire and the fire alarm is going off. The entire neighborhood is now awake. I didn't know what to do so I just stood there and hysterically laughed...they didn't find it so funny at the time.

Once, while crossing the street on the LES, the red hand started to flash. Caitlin and I, equipped with massive amounts of shopping bags, kept on walking. I noticed in the distance, coming towards us at great speed, a girl screaming and running across the road. As she was screaming she ran into me, bit my shoulder, and ran off.

I once told my mom I wanted to take a brick boat to Paris.

In the car one day while eating Oreos, I had an amazing revelation...I screamed to my mother up front, "Mom! Do you know why they call them Oreos?" She replies, "No, why?" I go on to say..."Because that's what it says on the package...'OR-E-OS!'" HOW CONVENIENT!