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  • Postmodernism and Mormonism: Parallels and Departures

    *For those unfamiliar with the term "postmodernism," it is a philosophy that seeks to undermine the classical and Enlightenment precepts of truth, reason, objectivity, etc. I hope you better understand it as I define it contextually throughout my paper.


    In recent years, postmodernism has been a curious and some would add uncomfortable bedfellow with Mormonism. This paper will explore postmodernism’s implications for and relevance to the LDS Church and Mormon intellectuals.

    For most Mormons, postmodernism’s relationship to their faith is either incidental or unobvious. So note that whatever parallels between postmodernism and Mormonism I discuss in this paper are parallels found by people like myself—that is, people interested in finding such parallels. Were Mormons to casually read postmodernist works, I doubt they would see their religious beliefs present in those philosophies.

    Whatever points of intersection exist just go unnoticed by the majority of Mormons. This is partly because, as James Faulconer, a philosopher professor at Brigham Young University, argues, Mormons are "atheological." They do not busy themselves with theologizing. They do not understand their beliefs and actions within the context of any rational or coherent theology. Professor Faulconer gives several reasons for this.

    First, this disinterest in theology has its origins in the early LDS Church. Catholicism inherited the classical, holistic philosophies of ancient Greece—philosophies that extol reason and truth. Consequently, Catholicism is a religion with a rational theology. But Mormonism and its beliefs took root in a very different socio-philosophical soil. As was typical of many in the Jacksonian Era of American history, Joseph Smith disdained intellectualism, of which theologians are often indicted. Smith hailed from a poor farming community, where a formal education was a privilege few could enjoy, and that fact may have bred resentment.

    Smith’s anti-creedal views may have also contributed to a “continuing LDS suspicion of theology.” Smith taught that God’s true gospel had been shackled by “cast-iron creeds” that didn’t allow for revelation. From this, one can see how Mormons find rational theology too restrictive for the same reason.

    This leads me to the second reason why Mormons are “atheological”: revelation. With revelation, any theology runs the risk of being rendered irrelevant. Consider polygamy. Early church leaders theologized about the centrality of polygamy to Mormonism, but these theologies had to be abandoned as polygamy was discontinued by the mainstream LDS Church in 1890.

    The third, and final, reason is that Mormons are more concerned with orthopraxy (right practice) than orthodoxy (right belief). Faulconer explains: “The gospel is a divine activity, the saving activity of God…To be a believer is to accept the gospel: it is to believe that God can save, but not merely to believe…To be a believer is to respond to God’s saving activity with repentance and in rebirth and with tokens that testify of God’s saving power."

    Mormons identify as a people—as a distinct ethnic group, even. They revel in their peculiarity, but without fully understanding those beliefs that make them peculiar. The lived Mormon experience, then, is less about assenting to any given doctrine and more about the community and culture of Mormonism.

    Faulconer personally shares in his church’s suspicion of theology. “Rational theology,” he writes, “presumes that the theologian can intellectually dominate the religion of which he or she speaks. However, if to be religious means to be mastered, awed, by something, then neither religion nor that to which religion is a response can be something over which one has mastery. The conflict between religion and rational theology is the conflict between the willingness to submit and the desire to master."

    Ironically, it’s this atheological sentiment—the very sentiment that inhibits Mormons from drawing parallels between their faith and postmodernism—that is itself a parallel between the two! Mormons are in good company among postmodernist thinkers when it comes to theology.

    Soren Kierkegaard, who some contend is the father of postmodernism, felt that rational theology was a fundamentally unchristian enterprise. He wrote:

    "Woe to the person who could make the miracles reasonable…Woe to the person who betrayed and broke the mystery of the faith [and] distorted it into public wisdom…Woe to all those unfaithful stewards who sat down and wrote false proofs…O, the learning and acumen tragically wasted…in this enormous work of defending Christianity!"

    Kierkegaard believed that the power of Christianity was in its power to offend. To defend Christianity, then, was to rob it of its radical nature. Jesus said, “I come not to bring peace, but to bring a sword” (Matthew 10:34). Rational theology, or any attempt to make sense of Christianity, dulls that sword.

    French philosopher Jean-Luc Marion went so far as to call theology “dangerous.” “Theology,” Marion said, “always writes starting from an other than itself. It diverts the author from himself…It causes him to write outside of himself, even against himself, since he must write not of what he is, on what he knows, in view of what he wants, but in, for, and by that which he receives and in no case masters.” In other words, theologians speak in the stead of the sacred, when they are wholly unworthy to do so. Thus theology makes hypocrites of its practitioners. “One must obtain forgiveness for every essay in theology,” Marion wrote.

    Jacques Derrida, another French postmodern thinker, argued that most theology is weighed down with metaphysical baggage. The only good theology, on Derrida’s view, is a weak or negative theology—a theology that describes the divine by what it’s not. Positive theology, in contrast, is inherently violent. It attempts to define the divine, which is to limit it. In fact, the Latin etymology of the word “define” literally means “to bind or limit completely.” Derrida wants religion without religion—divorced from all “tradition, authority, orthodoxy, rule, or doctrine."

    All these concerns notwithstanding, some Mormons still succumb to the temptation of theology. One prominent Mormon theologian is Daniel Wotherspoon. In his doctoral dissertation Awakening Joseph Smith: Mormon Resources for a Post-Modern Worldview, Wotherspoon suggests that Mormonism offers unique answers to the difficulties raised by both modernism and its unraveling. And insofar as Wotherspoon’s work is a response to modernism, his theology may be considered postmodern.

    Arguably the most readily apparent parallel between postmodernism and Mormonism is the LDS emphasis on personal, spiritual experiences as a source of knowledge. Wotherspoon thinks that a major failing of modernism has been its inability to provide an epistemology that guarantees the existence of the real world outside of the mind. Most modern epistemologies rely on sense-perceptions, which are faulty and cannot sidestep our minds as they are received through them.

    The Mormon response that Wotherspoon offers is a rejection of empiricism. He instead affirms what constructive postmodern theologians like David Ray Griffin call “direct, non-sensory perception.” This is where God circumvents the five senses to communicate—via personal revelation and spiritual experiences—with people at a deeper level.

    Mormon philosopher Blake Ostler similarly advocates personal revelation and spiritual experiences as the basis for an LDS epistemology. The validity of this epistemology has to be dogmatically asserted—it is something that neither can nor should be defended rationally. Ostler explained this before an audience of Mormon intellectuals and apologists at the 2007 FAIR Conference:

    "I will not give some argument or evidence to try to persuade you or anybody else that your spiritual experiences are valid and trustworthy. If I were to attempt to argue with you to prove that to you, I would only show and prove (quite conclusively) that I believe that in reality there is something more basic and trustworthy than spiritual experiences; that is, the arguments I would give you."

    Here, with this anti-modern, irrational epistemology, is where postmodernism most resonates with lay Mormons. In my conversations with Mormons, these personal, spiritual experiences are what they most often cite as the anchor of their testimony. Even, if not especially, when confronted with evidence against their faith, most Mormons fall back on their spiritual experiences.

    Wotherspoon also includes in his dissertation a discussion about the nature of God. He believes that the traditional notions of God are untenable, especially in light of the problem of evil. Wotherspoon agrees with skeptics that a perfectly good and all-powerful deity would not permit the evil that we witness in the world. His solution to the problem of evil is to deny God’s omnipotence. So while God sincerely wants to eradicate every evil, he is unable to. In this understanding of Mormonism, God’s power is limited in two ways. First, God must be able to progress, which is an important activity in the Mormon afterlife. Were God perfect in his power, there would be no room for growth. And second, God is limited by the freedom and autonomy that inhere not in him, but the universe at large. This concept is best explained by the Mormon account of creation.

    Genesis 1:1 reads: “In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth.” The word “created” in this verse comes from the Hebrew word “baurau,” which Joseph Smith translated as “organized.” This new (albeit suspect) translation is of profound theological import to Mormonism. It means that God did not create the universe ex nihilo (out of nothing), but instead organized the universe from eternally pre-existent matter—or what Smith termed “intelligences.”

    Here, I think the philosophy of Martin Heidegger holds some insights by which we can appreciate the Mormon account of creation. In The Question Concerning Technology, Heidegger writes that man’s relationship with technology has yielded our understanding of everything as a potential resource to be exploited. Heidegger calls this “technological thinking.” One way in which “technological thinking” manifests itself is in our making unreasonable demands of and claims to nature—a sort of “challenging-forth.” Heidegger gives the example of a hydroelectric plant imposing on a river. But in my opinion, the traditional Christian account of creation provides a more egregious example of a challenging-forth.

    The Christian God creates ex nihilo. In other words, he demands somethingness from nothingness. Could there be any less reasonable a demand than that? On the classical view, something cannot come from nothing. So to create ex nihilo is to challenge-forth from nothing that which is most against its nature.

    The Mormon creation, however, better resembles the harmony between God and the universe that Heidegger sought. Again, the Mormon God is not a creator, but an organizer; he existed alongside intelligences. Wotherspoon postulates that these intelligences were refined spiritual matter that made up the universe and were the precursors to human existence.

    In organizing these intelligences into the universe, God did not simply dictate that this intelligence become a planet and that intelligence a person. No, each intelligence possessed an inviolable autonomy and had to be persuaded by God. Just as Mormons believe we elected to follow God’s Plan of Salvation in the pre-existence, some Mormons like Wotherspoon believe that each particle freely participated in the organization of the universe. This persuasive power of the Mormon God ought to be preferable over the coercive, creative power of the Christian God to those with Heideggarean sympathies.

    Wotherspoon also believes that Mormonism can better ward of the postmodern threats of nihilism and relativism than can either Christian or secular humanism. Mormonism affirms the intrinsic value of all things by asserting that all things—in some form—are “enduring entities” that always existed alongside God, and differ from God in only degree, not kind. All things exist on a continuum, along which they can progress (some even to godhood!). “Such a view,” Wotherspoon wrote, “is capable of inspiring many more people, because of the way it lends momentum to the idea that each moment in an element’s life makes a concrete difference in its capacity for experiencing joy or growth."

    I read shades of Kierkegaard in the Mormon doctrine of eternal growth and exaltation. For Kierkegaard, an important criterion for love is equality. One way in which Kierkegaard believes that Christianity embodies this idea of equal love is in God descending to man, incarnate in Jesus. Mormonism, by the same reasoning, also embodies an equal love. Because in Mormonism, not only did God (well, a God: Jehovah) descend to man, but he also provided a way for man to be elevated to godhood. This is the truest kind of love, one could argue from Kierkegaard, because it’s a love that shares.

    I’m going to depart from Wotherspoon’s work to propose that this same doctrine of exaltation is a proto-Nietzschean vehicle for the will to power. Consider German philosopher Friedrich Nietzche’s critique of Christianity. In Beyond Good and Evil and elsewhere, Nietzsche bemoans what he calls the “slave morality” of Christianity. The Christian ethic makes a virtue out of vices like charity, humility, and meekness. And Nietzsche’s view of the Christian heaven as a pitiable existence, where adherents spend an eternity groveling before their Creator, only further offends Nietzsche. “I cannot believe in a God who wants to be praised all the time,” Nietzsche once wrote.

    But Mormonism is, I’d argue, an anthropocentric religion as opposed to a theocentric one. Put more simply, Mormonism is more concerned with man than God. This fact may mitigate some of the aforementioned criticisms that Nietzsche had of Christianity. That Mormonism is primarily for man will likely be heard as heresy to Mormons, but I think LDS scripture is squarely on my side. 2 Nephi 2:25 reads: “…men are, that they might have joy.” And in the Pearl of Great Price, it explicitly says that God’s work and glory is “to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man” (Moses 1:39).

    Mormons subscribe to the same “slave morality” that Nietzsche derided in Christianity, but the payoff for Mormons is potential godhood. Instead of worshiping God in the afterlife, you can become one! To be clear, Nietzche’s idea of the übermensch (the ideal man) is not supposed to be distracted from this world with promises of other worlds, but I have to imagine that Nietzsche would nonetheless find the LDS afterlife rather enticing.

    Now admittedly, some of the above parallels between postmodernism and Mormonism are a bit strained and contrived. Indeed, there are more dissimilarities than similarities between the two ideologies.

    The totality of Nietzsche’s philosophy, for instance, is diametrically opposed to Mormonism in particular and religion in general. That hardly needs explaining.

    And while there may be something Kierkegaardian about God wanting to exalt man to godhood, Kierkegaard could still accuse the Mormon God of “self-love.” We are, after all, made in the literal, physical image of God according to Mormonism. God extends his likeness and (potentially) godliness to us only in order that he may be reflected in the object of his own love. Moreover, the equality of which Kierkegaard spoke as a requisite for love is not the blurring of distinctions. Christian love, pure love, acknowledges distinctions and loves despite them.

    Derrida and Marion, too, would be extraordinarily critical of many Mormon doctrines. Again, Derrida sought to have religion without “tradition, authority, orthodoxy, rule, or doctrine." What is Mormonism, though, without these things? And Marion would find the nature of the Mormon God objectionable. Marion seems to believe that existence itself is an unfair limitation on God—God must be “beyond being.” He would doubtless cringe, then, at the corporeality of the Mormon God.

    More generally, Mormons place a high premium on free will—it’s essential to their doctrine. Free will, though, is widely considered an illusion by postmodern thinkers. The self is simply a social construction—a mere reification of the first-person pronoun “I.”

    So why, if these parallels are neither that striking nor recognized by most Mormons as parallels, do they merit mentioning in this paper? It’s not the parallels between postmodernism and Mormonism that I find so compelling; it’s that a sizable minority of Mormons have been drawing such parallels and appropriating (often misappropriating) postmodernism in the service of their faith. Nowhere is this more evident than with Mormon apologists.

    Over the past twenty-five years, there has been a dramatic rise in the volume and sophistication of Mormon apologetics. This rise has been especially pronounced in just the last decade or so. The Foundation for Ancient Research and Mormon Studies (FARMS), the foremost Mormon apologetic outfit, became an official entity of Brigham Young University and now enjoys church funding. Websites like FAIRLDS, SHIELDS, Mormon Fortress, and others have also helped to popularize and make accessible LDS apologetics.

    John-Charles Duffy, a young religious studies scholar at Chapel Hill in North Carolina, argues in a recent Dialogue article that postmodernism has been incredibly influential in Mormon apologetics and helps account for its ascendancy. To see why, one must know the history of Mormon scholarship.

    Duffy identifies two dominant schools of thought in Mormon scholarship today: the “new Mormon history” and “faithful history.” The new Mormon history began in the late 1960s, and purports to be a more objective, less sectarian reporting of the LDS Church’s history. This new approach to church history broke with the traditional approaches in that it neither shied away from sensitive topics nor suppressed controversial conclusions.

    The second school of thought in Mormon scholarship is “faithful history.” This “faithful history” was a response to and rejection of “the new Mormon history.” Scholars in this camp are orthodox Mormons, who believe all histories of Mormonism should be sympathetic and faith-promoting. In other words, Mormons should be engaged in apologetics, not academically rigorous histories.

    The tensions between postmodern and modern thought exist in many religions. In Christianity, there is a debate between Protestant fundamentalists and liberals over Biblical inerrancy. Protestant fundamentalists are often considered anti-science, but where it concerns the Bible, they are wedded to the modern concepts of “objective knowledge” and “truth.” Liberal Protestants, however, have a more postmodern, metaphorical reading of the Bible. Mormonism is having a similar dialogue about the Book of Mormon historicity and other issues, but the roles are reversed. As Duffy notes, it’s the conservative, orthodox scholars that advance postmodernism against the more liberal scholars of the new Mormon history, who want a dispassionate approach to the LDS Church.

    The success of the faithful history came with the demise of the new Mormon history during the 1980s and ‘90s. Louis Midgley and David E. Bohn, retired BYU political science professors and contributors to FARMS, were among the earliest and most dogged detractors of the New Mormon history. Midgley and Bohn employed a postmodern critique against the approach. In particular, they argued that any attempt at an objective Mormon history is futile, because all claims originate in an ideology and are “inescapably mediated by language and culture." And since there is no objective or a priori means by which determine the truth or falsity of an ideology, all perspectives are valid. This philosophy resembles Nietzsche’s perspectivism, which says that we can only know things from our individual perspectives. Midgley and Bohn therefore urged all Mormon scholars to study from their religious perspectives and give up their pretenses of neutrality.

    Bohn accused reputable Mormon scholars like Leonard Arrington and Lawrence Foster of excluding “non-scientific testimony of the role of God” in Mormon history. Midgley was less diplomatic and boldly indicted such historians of treason against the faith for not actively affirming Joseph Smith’s prophetic claims. These attacks proved devastating to the new Mormon history.

    So-called “faithful historians” like Midgley and Bohn gained an audience with LDS church leaders. Church leaders were concerned that the new Mormon history scholars were flirting with apostasy by publishing what was at times unflattering research about Mormonism. Apostle Boyd K. Packer conveyed these concerns to BYU educators in an address he gave in 1981 titled “The Mantle is Far, Far Greater than the Intellect.” “There is a temptation,” Packer said, “for the writer or the teacher of Church history to want to tell everything, whether it is worthy or faith promoting or not. Some things that are true are not very useful.” He also warned that some scholars’ “posture of detachment” was “giving equal time to the adversary."

    Later, in 1991, the First Presidency released an official statement cautioning members from reading histories or attending research symposia that were not approved by the LDS Church. And throughout the ‘90s, the church was quick to discipline scholars who challenged the traditional LDS narrative. These actions had a chilling effect on all research into Mormonism that wasn’t expressly apologetic. Mormon scholarship is only now beginning to rebound.

    So postmodernism was the bludgeon with which Mormon apologists beat down the new Mormon history. And apologists continue to use postmodern perspectivism to deflect criticisms of the LDS Church.

    There is another way that Mormon apologists employ postmodernism. Duffy writes that apologists use perspectivist language “as the primary rhetorical resource for those who hope to win credibility for faithful scholarship within the academic mainstream." They play on academia’s postmodern sympathies in order that their faithful perspective will get offered at or respected by universities other than, say, Brigham Young University. Again, their argument is that all perspectives are valid given postmodernism, so on what grounds can a faithful LDS perspective be excluded? LDS literary critic Michael Austin wants to see Mormonism counted among other minority histories. Austin believes that Mormons are hyphenated Americans, like African-Americans or Italian-Americans. He even coined the term “Mormo-American."

    Such appeals to academia’s tolerance of differing perspectives haven’t been successful. And noted Mormon historian Richard Bushman is somewhat relieved that they haven’t. “Wouldn’t we prefer,” Bushman asked, “to be taken seriously enough to be directly opposed rather than condescended to?"

    As it was for Mormon teachings, postmodernism is a double-edged sword for Mormon apologetics. Many professors at the very conservative BYU do not want to see their school become a bastion of postmodern thought. English professor Richard Cracroft fears that postmodernism will invariably bring with it “the creeds of secularism,” which include “immoralism, atheism, nihilism, negativism, perversity, rebelliousness, doubt, disbelief, and disorder."

    What’s more, it seems that orthodox Mormon apologists have yet to internalize the very postmodern philosophies that they use against their critics. On the one hand, the Mormon apologist dismisses truth as a fiction as per postmodernism. But on the other, they affirm that the LDS Church is “the one and only true Church.” These two sentiments cannot easily be reconciled. If the apologists were to fully adopt the philosophies they exploit, then postmodern Mormon apologetics would be a self-cannibalizing project. The orthodox scholars would have to surrender their claims to knowledge and objective, religious truth.

    It will be interesting to see, then, whether postmodernism will keep its privileged role among Mormon intellectuals for much longer. I suspect it won’t. Postmodernism was not a philosophical commitment for apologists, but a novel convenience.

    Already, Mormon scholarship seems to be trending back toward a new “new Mormon history.” In Duffy’s words: “…faithful scholars must capitulate to secular ground rules more than they might prefer as the price for participating in the academic mainstream, postmodern challenges to the Enlightenment notwithstanding."
  • Mormonism: A Definition through Contradiction

    *Another amateurish foray into the study of Mormonism.

    Mormonism is a religion colored by complexities and contradictions. The prolific Mormon essayist Eugene England called the Mormon experience “essentially, as well as existentially, paradoxical.” LDS author Terryl Givens agrees, echoing England’s sentiment in his recent book, People of Paradox.

    “By proving contraries, truth is made manifest,” said Joseph Smith, the founding prophet of the LDS Church. Informed by Smith’s statement, I will discuss Mormonism’s contraries in the hope of explaining the religion.

    My method in this paper will follow the seven Cs of religious studies: creed, code, cultus, community, culture, confines, and consciousness. In each of these seven characteristics exist tensions that help define Mormonism.

    One of the most important aspects of a religion is its creed—its set of core beliefs. The Mormon “creed,” as it were, can be found in the Articles of Faith. Joseph Smith penned a letter to the inquiring John Wentworth, editor of the Chicago Democrat, articulating 13 fundamental doctrines of Mormonism. The letter was later canonized as the Articles of Faith.

    The primary articles affirm the church’s belief in: God, Christ, and the Holy Ghost; free moral agency and accountability for one’s actions; the salvation of man through the Atonement and “by obedience to the laws and ordinances (faith, repentance, baptism by immersion, and the laying on of hands) of the Gospel; the Bible “as far as it is translated correctly” and the Book of Mormon as scripture; continuing revelation; and the Restoration of the Primitive Church.

    The Articles of Faith, though, only sketch Mormon beliefs. They omit many important teachings. We must also look to other canonical sources, like the Book of Mormon, the Doctrine and Covenants, and the Pearl of Great Price.

    The Book of Mormon purports to be a translation by Joseph Smith of an ancient American document· According to LDS lore, Smith recovered buried gold plates from a hill near his house and translated it by the power of God. The plates relate the history of a group of Hebrews who migrated from Jerusalem to America.

    Mormons call the Book of Mormon the “most correct book of any on earth” and the “keystone” of their religion. The Book of Mormon enjoys this privileged position among Mormons because not only is it a test of Joseph Smith’s prophetic abilities, but it also contains uniquely Mormon teachings. For example, the Book of Mormon makes the radical claim that Jesus visited the Americas after his Resurrection and spread the Gospel to ancient peoples there. Another LDS doctrine that originates from the Book of Mormon is that “Adam fell that men might be; and men are, that they might have joy” (2 Ne 2:25). The Fall, then, is something Mormons rejoice in rather than lament. This teaching is anathema to much of the Christian community.

    But the Book of Mormon, too, is silent on a host of fundamental Mormon doctrines. The majority of distinctly LDS teachings are found in the Doctrine and Covenants and the Pearl of Great Price, including polygamy and the exaltation of man (D&C 132), baptism for the dead (D&C 88:101), the plurality of gods (Abraham 4:1), and many more.

    Mormon doctrine does not end with these works of scripture, however. A core tenet of Mormonism is that revelation is progressive and ongoing. God speaks through a living, modern-day prophet who—in his capacity as the “Lord’s mouthpiece”—can add to or amend church doctrines. Revelation is the mechanism by which the church was able to survive doctrinal changes concerning polygamy and the black priesthood ban, for instance.

    There are, I’m convinced, contradictions within and among all these books. The Book of Mormon, for instance, is explicitly monotheistic (Alma 11:26-29). In later works of scripture, however, a plurality of gods is taught (Abraham 4:27, D&C 132:37).

    The Book of Mormon also seems to endorse a fairly traditional conception of the Trinity—that God the Father and Jesus Christ are one being. “Behold, I am Jesus Christ. I am the Father and the Son,”declares God (Ether 3:14). This is at obvious variance with the LDS Godhead, where these personages are wholly separate beings (D&C 130:22). These are but a couple examples.

    The apparent textual contradictions among LDS canon are the birthing pains of a new theology. Joseph Smith had the difficult task of formulating the early church’s beliefs. Over his life, it seems, he changed his mind on key theological issues. The contradictions above suggest that Mormonism in its infancy was monotheistic and Trinitarian. But come Nauvoo, Smith was espousing a new Mormonism. Perhaps this just underscores the importance of revelatory reform. Mormonism has the luxury to evolve, as per progressive revelation from the Prophet.

    There is another tension aside from canonical contradictions—one Mormons are more likely to confront: the perception of a widening “sacred distance” between man and God. In biblical times, it seemed that God was omnipresent. He was always manifest in the world, and his dealings with man were overt. In the Garden of Eden, God walked amidst man (Genesis 3:8-10). He even fought alongside them in battle, as was the case with the Israelites (Judges 1:19). But in the centuries following Christ’s ascendance to Heaven, a period known by Mormons as “the Great Apostasy,” God has kept hidden and man has felt very alone.

    Joseph Smith’s First Vision and the subsequent restoration of the Gospel collapsed this “sacred distance” or “divine hiddenness.” As Prophet, Smith announced revelation after revelation. He also promised his members the ability to receive personal revelation. This was proof that God was again intimately involved in our lives. Now certainly, Mormons today still believe this. At the same time, however, it is hard not to notice that revelations (in both gravity and frequency) have declined in the modern era. There are exceptions—the lifting of the black priesthood ban in 1978 comes to mind. But generally speaking, what important radical pronouncements has the church made lately? I think some Mormons long to be back on the theological frontlines—I know I did.

    The LDS Church is widely known for its strict moral codes. Non-Mormons often see the church’s prohibitions as weird or draconian. Others agree with LDS values and commend Mormons for living them.

    In D&C 89, God revealed to Smith what is commonly referred to as the “Word of Wisdom.” The Word of Wisdom presents a dietary code for Mormons. It stipulates that alcohol and other “strong drinks” should not be ingested. The revelation also strongly advises against tobacco and “hot drinks”—a prohibition that has clarified to include drinks like coffee and tea. The Word of Wisdom promises all those who heed its advice “health in their navel and marrow to their bones,” wisdom, physical endurance, and that “the destroying angel shall pass by them…and not slay them” (D&C 89:18-21).

    The second (and more important) code established by the LDS Church is the Law of Chastity. In the Endowment ceremony, participants swear to obey the law so as to guarantee marital fidelity. The Law of Chastity extends far beyond the Endowment ceremony, however. All members of the church are bound to it. The Law of Chastity not only forbids marital infidelity, but homosexual behavior, masturbation, and pornography as well. Impure thoughts that may lead to said offenses are also discouraged.

    The consequences for disobeying the Law of Chastity are serious. In Mormonism, sexual impurity is the second greatest evil next to murder (Alma 39:5). Deviance from the law results in revocation of a temple recommend and other forms of church discipline, relative to the severity of the offense.

    It is argued that the sexual repression caused by the Law of Chastity contributes to the brief courtships and early marriages. My parents met at a BYU dance and got engaged two weeks later! My parents recently confessed to me that one impetus for the hasty engagement was their wanting to be physically intimate, but within the bonds of marriage. That is anecdotal and unrepresentative of most Mormons of course, but it is true that Utahns marry youngest in our country.

    Many Christians are sympathetic to and share LDS values, but nonetheless convict the LDS Church of “legalism”--that is, an over-emphasis on codes of conduct. This criticism also alludes to a larger theological debate concerning the saving power of works versus faith.

    The debate over works and faith is most pronounced when discussing LDS rituals (cultus). “Saving ordinances” are those rituals in Mormonism that are required for exaltation. These include baptism, confirmation and the reception of the Holy Ghost, and certain temple rituals such as the endowment and marriage.

    The temple is one of the most visible manifestations of Mormonism. Over 120 LDS temples are operating worldwide, with many more in either under construction or planning. Mormons give a lot of import to their temples and the rituals practiced therein. Much of the temple work is concerned with the family and its continuance in the hereafter. Marriage partners, for examples, are not joined “’til death do us part,” but instead for “time and all eternity.” Their relationship with their children, too, is eternal (provided the children live worthily).

    The ordinances performed in the temple are also extended to the dead. Through living proxies, baptismal rites, sealings, and endowments can be performed on the deceased’s behalf. The dead are free to accept or decline these ordinances in the spirit world. A lot of misunderstanding surrounds these posthumous practices, so they have garnered horror and ridicule from others.

    Mormons keep the specific details of their temple rituals secret from non-members and also those members not yet eligible or worthy to enter the temple themselves. The mantra many Mormons say in defense that these rituals are “sacred, not secret.” In truth, they are both. But the label of “secretive” has a special sting for Mormons, because the Book of Mormon forcefully and repeatedly condemns “secret combinations,” “secret works” and oath taking (Mormon 8:27, 40; 2 Ne 26:22; and Hel 6:22, to list just a few verses).

    This speaks to a debate within Mormonism between its Masonic and anti-Mason influences. Some scholars, both Mormon and non-Mormon alike, who have studied the Book of Mormon believe that those passages that condemn secrecy reflect anti-Masonic sentiments that were common at Smith’s time in the late 1820s. Indeed, some early Mormons even called the Book of Mormon the “anti-Masonick Bible." And yet notwithstanding these anti-Masonic sentiments, there are also striking influences from Masonry evident in the temple ceremonies.

    In March 1842, Joseph Smith was initiated into Freemasonry. Less than two months later, he introduced the temple ceremonies. It is no surprise, then, that there are parallels between Masonic rituals and LDS temple rituals. These parallels include special handshakes, blood-oaths (prior to 1990), and new names given to participants. The church and Freemasonry share symbolic imagery as well: sun, moon, and star symbols, the square and the cross, the beehive, the all seeing eye, and several others.

    Community plays a central role in Mormonism. Mormons identify as a people; Mormonism in this sense resembles an ethnic group. This is a macro understanding of community in Mormonism, however. I’d like to focuse on the micro, namely the LDS ward. A ward consists of anywhere between 200 and 500 active Mormons. A ward is not merely a local congregation that meets each Sunday for religious services; it is a community. These members grow so close together that wards are often called “ward families.”

    Most members of wards do more than sit and sing together in church. They teach each other’s children in Sunday school. Their kids are in the same Boy Scout troops, sports teams, and dance groups. The members invite eat dinners together. When a family moves in to a ward, they help them unload and often donate dishes and furniture. And when tragedy strikes the ward, the members mourn and pray together.

    This closeness within a ward is not without costs. One consequence of “ward families” is gossip. The Relief Society, the women’s religious service in a ward, has a notorious reputation for gossip. I could share anecdotes, but the fact that church leaders have to routinely address the issue of gossip should suffice as evidence of the problem. A search for the word “gossip” at lds.org yielded 240 results!

    The second consequence for ward intimacy is the difficulty in leaving the church. Many who leave the LDS Church find the transition very painful since they are breaking not only religious ties, but also social and familial ones. Leaving the church, then, is tantamount to betrayal—to friends, to family, to the community.

    In leaving Mormonism, I was fortunate enough have most of my relationship remain intact. Those friends I lost in my ward were friends worth losing anyway. But others aren’t so lucky. My mother was born and raised in the LDS faith. I’ve often confronted her on why she believes in the church in the face of difficulties like the translation of the Book of Abraham and the historicity of the Book of Mormon. Just a couple months ago, my mother confided in me that she does not believe the church is true, but said she stays with it because it is the only community she has ever known. Her leaving the church would damage her marriage, and make her a pariah among the extended family, at work, and—more immediately—in the neighborhood.

    Similar social pressures often prod young Mormon males into missions. I had a friend leave on a mission for no other reason (sadly) than that he’d make a more marketable bachelor in Utah as a returned missionary.

    Closely related to community is culture, another important characteristic of religion. Most people only know Mormonism by its culture, not its doctrines. Mormons are perceived to be honest, hard-working, sober, friendly, family-oriented and generous—almost to a fault. Indeed, despite this image (or perhaps because of it), many people are still uneasy about Mormonism. Some may think that Mormonism's smiley façade masks a darker reality. And if Utah is any indication, this concern is not entirely without warrant.

    According to a 2007 study by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, Utah leads the country in non-medical painkiller abuse.

    Utah culture is arguably one of culprits. Marked by denial, conformity, social pressure and guilt, this culture contributes to the state’s drug problem (among others). In an interview in the local documentary Happy Valley, one addict said that recovery in Utah is especially difficult because our society is so judgmental—people don’t want to be honest and open about their addictions for fear of how others might perceive them. He asked that Utahns “look in the mirror, before looking out the window.”

    Youth suicide is also an epidemic in Utah. And disproportionately represented in these suicides are gay youth, who are three to five times more likely to commit suicide. Overall, Utah had the 7th highest suicide rates in the country from the years 2000-2004.

    Chief among the risk factors for suicide is an unwillingness to seek help due to the stigma attached mental disorders like depression. “We have this 'All is well in Zion' kind of thing going here," Attorney General Mark Shurtleff told the Deseret News.

    "We'd rather not talk about [depression] at all or maybe to go talk to the bishop about it," he said. "If there really is a mental health issue you need help. It doesn't work to talk to the youth leaders or ecclesiastic leaders."

    In rape, too, Utah exceeds the national average. One in eight Utah women will be raped at some point in their lifetime. And sadly, few rapes will be reported.

    A recent report by the Deseret Morning News found that 90 percent of Provo rapes go unreported. A BYU police officer explained, “Most Provo residents are religious and have a tendency to stigmatize discussion of sexual assault and sometimes to demonize the survivor.” And I wonder whether the rapes themselves result, in part, from our unhealthy climate of sexual repression.

    It is also true that Utah is home to green jello, low crime rates, healthy residents, and the highest literacy and language fluency rates in the country. I only give focus to the state’s ills because they so often get ignored.

    For most of the church’s history, Mormonism has been inescapably associated with Utah. And while I believe that there is a Mormon culture distinct from Utah culture, there is nonetheless overlap between the two. Mormonism has undoubtedly affected many aspects of Utah culture. But the distinction between Mormonism and Utah will only grow sharper as Utah becomes less Mormon and the church becomes increasingly global.

    A religion’s confines—that is, its spatial and geographical location—is the sixth C in the seven Cs of religious studies. I just touched on the important relationship between Utah and Mormonism, for example. But there are still other aspects of Mormonism’s confines to discuss.

    Mormons yearn for Zion, for home; they desperately want to belong. It is odd that members of a uniquely American religion like Mormonism can feel like strangers in their own land. But historically, they very much have been strangers. Persecution drove the saints from New York to Ohio, then to Missouri, then to Illinois, and finally in 1847 to Utah (what was then a distant territory). So it’s obvious that Mormons believe it is imperative that they have sacred space in which they can worship and practice their faith freely.

    The idea of sacred space is incorporated into all church buildings. The temples are built very intentionally to be conducive to “the spirit” (a spiritual feeling that accompanies worship). The temples’ rooms are filled with penetrating white lights and adorned with lavish carpets and elegant furniture. Every floor in a temple is soundproofed, to ensure a still, reverent quiet. The endowment room, where Mormons receive special ordinances, is distinguished by walls painted to depict a wooded setting. And the sealing room boasts beautiful, gold-framed mirrors on either side of the room that create an endless reflection, representing the eternity in which couples and their children will continue.

    Some Mormons feel that the sacred space in LDS meetinghouses has been compromised in recent decades. Virtually all LDS chapels have a basketball court. It is a curious sight, but the church wanted their meetinghouses to be more than places of worship; they wanted them to be community centers and “cultural halls.” There is a tension with this desire, however. Something as worldly as basketball can crowd out sacred space in an LDS chapel. At what point does an LDS meetinghouse feel too much like a community center and not enough like a church?

    I noticed this concern when I was Mormon. In my ward, it took the form of a stigma against those families (like mine) who sat on the basketball court half of the chapel during sacrament meeting. It means they were late to church and had other priorities, like finishing watching a quarter of a football game.

    And finally, the enigmatic Mormon consciousness. The Mormon mind is a congress of contradictory ideas and identities.

    Mormons, out of doctrinal necessity, are a very gender-conscious people. God created man and woman and commanded them to “multiply and replenish the earth” (Moses 2:28).

    On one hand, the LDS Church is an ultra-patriarchal system. Many point to the practice of polygamy as degrading to women. Emma Smith, Joseph Smith’s wife, found the practice abhorrent and also harbored a deep resentment for it. Smith commanded her to accept the practice on threat of damnation (D&C 132:52). One main justification for polygamy was the bearing of children in this life and of “spirit children” in the next. Some women object to this teaching, as it seems to reduce a woman’s role to solely procreation.

    The church has long since abandoned polygamy, but other patriarchal practices remain. Women are unable to receive the priesthood, for example. Another example: In the temple, women promise to obey their husbands in everything so long as their husbands obey God.

    On the other hand, women can find their role in Mormonism very empowering. A case could be made that the church has historically been progressive on women’s issues. Polygamy was partly justified in order to afford women financial security, for instance. Women in the Utah territory were also the first to receive suffrage. In regards to the temple ceremonies, women are endowed with a certain priesthood power and, under the authority of a male priesthood holder, can exercise that power (and have historically). And then doctrinally, Mormons reject original sin and thus do not see Eve (or women generally) as responsible for the Fall. If anything, Eve is revered as a heroine.

    A recent survey by the Pew Forum on Religion & Public Life found that Mormons are the most partisan religious demographic in America. Fifty-two percent of Mormons are strongly Republican, as opposed to only 15 percent who are strongly Democrat.

    I don’t find the survey surprising, but I think it glosses over Mormonism’s rich history of political diversity. In The Mormon Quest for the Presidency, we read about several LDS presidential candidates who ran on surprisingly liberal platforms. Consider Joseph Smith. For his time, Smith held some very progressive ideas. He campaigned on the abolition of slavery and a blanket pardon for and release of all prison inmates. Today, Senator Harry Reid, a practicing Mormon, is the Democratic leader in the Senate. And the Udalls are a LDS family who are also prominent in contemporary Democratic politics.

    Integral to the Mormon identity is a profound sense of persecution—dare I say a martyrdom complex. Being a “peculiar people” and being persecuted for it allows Mormons to connect with their pioneer forbearers, who suffered violence back East and weathered fierce blizzards moving west. The balance between being “mainstream” and “peculiar” in LDS consciousness is a difficult and delicate one. This difficulty was explored by historian Kathleen Flake’s book, The Politics of American Religious Identity, when during the Smoot hearings the church had to disavow polygamy in order to be integrated into the mainstream, while emphasizing other uniquely Mormon teachings like the Godhead and the First Vision to preserve its peculiarity.

    Mormons have earned their reputation for being wholesome, but they are hardly prudes. Unlike puritanical Christians, Mormons have a lust of life. The Articles of Faith encourage Mormons to seek after “virtuous,” “lovely,” and “praiseworthy” things. D&C 58:26 asks Mormons to be “anxiously engaged in a good cause…” We see this zeal in Mormon participation in the arts.

    Music and dance are almost sacrosanct in Mormonism. Mormonism’s contribution to music is best embodied in the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, which is world-renowned and has performed for several U.S. Presidents. And about the LDS tradition of dance, Terryl Givens says the following in the PBS documentary The Mormons:

    "Because we believe that God the Father, as well as Jesus Christ, are physical, embodied beings, that elevates the body to a heavenly status…And so dancing, I think, is in many ways, just an emblem or a symbol of a kind of righteous reveling in the physical tabernacle that we believe is a stage on our way to godliness itself."

    Mormons also celebrate the mind. “The glory of God is intelligence,” says D&C 93:36. Mormons, then, put a special emphasis on education. The church even manages several universities, with the flagship being BYU Provo. Interestingly, Mormons are among the only demographic for whom religiosity increases with education.

    At odds with the Mormon emphasis on education is a definite anti-intellectual streak among Mormons. A lot is revealed about the Mormon mind in how they deal with criticisms of their faith. Many Mormons’ beliefs are immune to reasoned argument. Like my mother, they belong to the church for its community and emotionalism. When confronted with criticism, they retreat to their personal, spiritual experiences. This is often coupled with a dismissive attitude toward reason and science.

    Over the years, church leaders have taught members to be wary of the “philosophies of men.” They are also admonished not to trust in the “arm of flesh” (D&C 1:19). This message is shared with church educators, too. Boyd K. Packer infamously told a group of church educators at BYU, “There is a temptation for the writer or the teacher Of Church history to want to tell everything, whether it is worthy or faith promoting or not. Some things that are true are not very useful.”

    The most profound conundrum in the Mormon consciousness is that Mormons belong to a hierarchical and authoritarian church, yet one that has remarkably individualistic qualities (a reflection of the individualism of the Jacksonian era).

    “Obedience is a fundamental law of the gospel…Unquestioning obedience to the Lord indicates that a person has developed faith and trust in Him to the point where he or she considers all inspired instruction — whether it be recorded scripture or the words of modern prophets — to be worthy of obedience.”

    But Mormonism—in theory, if not in practice—also affords members enormous freedom. As stated in the Articles of Faith, people are endowed with moral agency and are not held to account for “Adam’s transgressions.” Agency is central to the LDS understanding of the “war in heaven” and Christ’s “plan of salvation.” Joseph Smith also told his followers that they had the ability to receive personal revelations for them and their families. This can create (and at times has created) a tension between the members and church leadership.

    Millions of people with disparate beliefs and from different backgrounds profess to be Mormon. It is because of the complexities and contradictions in Mormonism that such a diversity of people and beliefs can claim the same faith.

    By “proving the contraries,” we gained insight into the LDS faith. The “truth” about what exactly Mormonism is, however, has not quite been “made manifest.” It still eludes us. And that for me is precisely Mormonism’s intrigue.
  • Winning the battle for gay rights

    *Work in progress. Comments and criticisms welcome.

    I'm late to the discussion over Proposition 8. I've been following the news, digesting the defeat, tempering my emotions, and articulating my thoughts. But as a bisexual ex-Mormon living in the heart of Mormondom (Utah), I feel compelled to break my peace and make a foray into the issue. So here goes.

    The LGBT community endured an emotional roller coaster on Election Day. One moment, they were assured "Yes we can!" The next, with the passage of Proposition 8, they were told "Um, no you can't." They are still suffering from that whiplash.

    Over the past week and a half, that pain has manifested itself as anger (and understandably so) toward those who supported Proposition 8—particularly the LDS Church.

    The LDS Church has been quick to note that they were not alone in supporting Proposition 8—they were party to a coalition of hundreds of churches*. Point taken. There were admittedly many culprits: the majority of older voters and black voters, a dishonest YES campaign, an inept NO campaign—all these contributed to and share some blame for Proposition 8's passage. But this ignores the fact that the LDS Church and its members were undoubtedly the most influential backers of Proposition 8, donating nearly half of the YES campaign's $23 million dollars and canvassing across the state of California. Jeff Flint, a strategist with Protect Marriage, estimated that Mormons made up 80 percent to 90 percent of the early volunteers who walked door-to-door in election precincts.

    Given the church's extensive involvement in Proposition 8, it's not at all surprising that there have been worldwide protests at their temples and church-houses. But Mormons have cried foul. "It is disturbing that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is being singled out for speaking up as part of its democratic right in a free election," wrote Kim Farah, the spokeswoman for the LDS Church and (incidentally) my neighbor.

    "While those who disagree with our position on Proposition 8 have the right to make their feelings known, it is wrong to target the Church and its sacred places of worship for being part of the democratic process."

    Did the LDS Church think it could help deprive people their marriage rights with immunity? Protests are the price the church paid to exercise their First Amendment rights and participate in our democratic process. The church didn't have to stick its nose in Californian affairs. If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen.

    That said, I do have some reservations about the recent spate of protests. The LGBT community and its allies are upset, and I think it's wholly appropriate for them to communicate the profound pain wrought by Proposition 8. But I fear that the protests will prove counterproductive—especially those protests targeting Mormon temples and church-houses. They play into Mormon prejudices about homosexuals and feed their martyrdom complex.

    Mormons are no strangers to persecution. Indeed, persecution strokes their identity as a "peculiar people" (their phrase). And it will only strengthen Mormon resolve against what they perceive to be threats to their religion, like gay rights.

    Also, an angry unfocused response to Proposition 8 invites irresponsible behavior and speech. Just a few days ago, for example, some punk mailed suspicious white powder to two LDS temples. It's too soon to tell who did it or why (perhaps Prop 8 opponents are just being framed), but such actions must be swiftly and forcefully condemned regardless.

    Signs like "Keep your cult out of the culture wars" and "F**k you, bigots!" aren't helpful either. If they do anything, they just make our calls for tolerance ring hollow.

    Now, I don't think violence or vitriol typify the protests. But sadly, that is what's making the news.

    The protests are making it easier for the Mormons to claim that they are the real victims, not the homosexuals whose marriage rights they helped rob. No matter how poor the LDS Church's public image is, we cannot allow this debate to be framed as a religious liberties issue. We'll lose. Time and time again.

    Remember that the public opinion turned in favor of Proposition 8 only when the YES campaign dishonestly claimed that homosexuality would be thrust upon Californians in their churches and in their children's schools. In other words, the YES campaign effectively painted the opponents of Proposition 8 as invasive and intolerant—they made us the bad guys.

    At the same time, however, we cannot let up on pressuring the LDS Church. Bowing to pressures—both internal and external—in the past, the church gave up polygamy and the priesthood ban for blacks. What exactly a measured and effective amount of pressure would be, though, I don't know. But I do know what it's not: http://www.latimes.com/media/photo/2008-11/43235098.jpg

    There are already legal challenges to Proposition 8. The ACLU has filed a lawsuit claiming that a mere amendment is not adequate to strip people of what the California Constitution says is a "fundamental right"—marriage. A revision is required to strike the "fundamental right" language, and that takes a 2/3rds vote by citizens of California.

    http://aclu.org/lgbt/relationships/37706prs20081105.html

    Don't invest too much in this lawsuit, though. From my understanding, the ACLU's case is shaky and the California Supreme Court has rejected the "revision" argument in other cases.

    Glenn Greenwald thinks there's another answer to Proposition 8: A repeal of the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA). Repealing DOMA would "enable the equal granting of federal rights to same-sex couples without having any effect on the definition of marriage." Unlike the ACLU lawsuit, this isn't a direct challenge to Proposition 8. But a repeal of DOMA would give gay rights activists a much-needed and well-deserved victory. Thankfully, Obama has committed to at least amending DOMA.

    http://www.salon.com/opinion/greenwald/2008/11/06/doma/

    These legal and political approaches to gay rights are fine so long as they are coupled with grassroots efforts. That might mean the occasional protest. Protests get our voices heard, which is important. But they rarely get our voices listened to. Gay rights advocates need to work on building bridges of dialogue. Abraham Lincoln said, "The best way to destroy your enemy is to make him your friend."

    I hope I haven't been a downer; I'm really quite optimistic for the future. Equal rights will win out eventually. We (LGBT persons and allies) are on the winning side not only of an argument, but of history also.

    Just half a century ago, the LDS Church and most of society opposed interracial marriage. In 1947, the First Presidency (the Mormon prophet and his two counselors) stated: "The intermarriage of the Negro and White races [is] a concept which has heretofore been most repugnant to most normal-minded people from the ancient patriarchs till now…We are not unmindful of the fact that there is a growing tendency…toward the breaking down of race barriers in the matter of intermarriage between whites and blacks, but it does not have the sanction of the Church and is contrary to Church doctrine.**"

    You know, for a church that claims to be protecting marriage, the LDS Church sure has a difficult time defining what exactly it is defending. One man, many women? One white man, one white woman? One man, one woman? The church's definition of marriage has changed over time and with each revision it inches toward a recognition of gay marriage.

    Progress, while hard-fought, is the natural arc of human history. And those institutions anchored in the past will drown with the rising tide of tomorrow.

    If you are interested in the history of Mormon anti-gay policies and rhetoric, check out this link: http://www.affirmation.org/learning/anti-gay.shtml

    I have also written about certain anti-gay policies at Brigham Young University: http://secweb.infidels.org/?kiosk=articles&id=764

    Or here if you're a Facebook friend of mine: http://www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=2210651499&id=122802902&index=39

    And finally, my thoughts about gay rights more generally: http://www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=16672101499&id=122802902&index=4

    *According to recently leaked memos, LDS Church joined the coalition to have it serve as a cover. The LDS Church said that they want to take an activist approach against gay marriage, but was reluctant to be "out front." The church had the money, but recognized that "the public image of the Catholic Church [was] higher than [their] church." The LDS Church's alliance with the Catholic Church is yet another oddity in this whole affair, as historically Mormons have vilified the Catholic Church as "the whore of Babylon" and "the great and abominable church."

    http://www.abc4.com/content/news/state/story.aspx?content_id=4a8a2464-6cf3-45d1-a0bd-606f034bae33

    **Even that ignorant statement represented progress over what Brigham Young (the second Mormon prophet) taught: "Shall I tell you the law of God in regard to the African race? If the white man who belongs to the chosen seed mixes his blood with the seed of Cain, the penalty, under the law of God, is death on the spot. This will always be so." (Journal of Discourses, 10:110)

  • A Socratic Dialogue with God

    Socrates, a philosophical agitator in ancient Greece, was taken to court on two accusations: first, that he had corrupted the young with his philosophies and, second, atheism toward the Gods recognized by the State. Despite an impassioned defense, Socrates was convicted of these charges and executed.

    Upon death, Socrates finds himself (or rather, his spirit) at the Gates of Heaven. Here he meets his maker, Yahweh.

    ...

    Socrates: Where am I?

    Yahweh: If I may borrow an allegory of yours, you escaped the cave. You're in Heaven, Socrates.

    Socrates: Oh, hey! Aren't you the god of the Israelites?

    Yahweh: That'd be me, yes. My name is Yahweh.

    Socrates: So what brings you here?

    Yahweh: I own this joint, actually. I'm just manning the gates until Saint Peter gets back from his lunch break.

    Socrates: By Zeus! This beautiful place is yours? That's wonderful.

    Yahweh: Meh, it's nice. I run it on the cheap, though. I employ child laborers from Limbo; they do the jobs angels won't do and for a lower wage. Oh, and don't let the streets paved with gold fool you—it's only like 8 karats.

    Socrates: Still, you must have worked hard to get where you are.

    Yahweh: Actually, this God business was a self-appointed deal, what with my being uncaused and all. There was no job application, no election, no arbitrary Supreme Court fiat—nada.

    Socrates: Wow. Lucky break. You say you run Heaven; do you preside over the Pantheon of gods, then?

    Yahweh: Nope. Those pagan gods don't exist—your atheism toward them was warranted. Good on you, Socrates. But I've got some bad news: I still have to send you to Hell. You didn't believe in me, and that's my biggest pet peeve. I'm a jealous god.

    Socrates: In all due respect, that hardly seems fair. I was a lover of many virtues. Why do I deserve Hell?

    Yahweh: How dare you question God Almighty, the Alpha & Omega, the Big Cheese! Look, Socrates, I call the shots here. And everything I decree is just.

    Socrates: That begs the question: what exactly is justness?

    Yahweh: This old shtick? I've heard of your rhetorical skills, Socrates. But I refuse to be your philosophical punching bag. Your lowly debate tricks are ineffectual here in my Kingdom.

    Socrates: I meant no offense. I genuinely just wanted to drink from your well of wisdom.

    Yahweh: You mean that?

    Socrates: I do.

    Yahweh: Well alright. What is just? Hmm. As I said, all I decree is just. So justness, I suppose, is whatever I decree.

    Socrates (mumbling): Dumbass.

    Yahweh: What'd you say?

    Socrates: Oh nothing, nothing. I'm having a difficult time following you. Forgive me. So can you decree lying to be just?

    Yahweh: Of course. I could conceivably do anything. But I would not make lying just. After all, I forbade my chosen people to bear false witness. That commandment is even written in stone!

    Socrates: Why wouldn't you make lying just, though? It would spare a lot of people the fires of Hell—politicians, lawyers, used car salesman, et al.

    Yahweh: Ha! That's funny because it's true.

    Socrates: More to the point, what moral reservations could you have against sanctioning dishonesty?

    Yahweh: Oy Vey! You're kidding. That's easy, Socrates—dishonesty is obviously unjust.

    Socrates: Only because you decree it to be so. Perhaps I misheard you, but I thought you just taught me that whatever you decreed to be just is just.

    Yahweh: And I stand by that statement. There's more to my argument, though.

    Socrates: Enlighten me, Lord.

    Yahweh: It's like this: I am, by my nature, just; my decrees are in accordance with and an expression of that justness. So to make lying just would be to contradict my very nature.

    Socrates: By Zeus, I think I follow you now.

    Yahweh: Ahem! Thou shalt have no gods before me. Drop this "by Zeus" bullshit, please.

    Socrates: I will; I swear on "The Odyssey."

    Yahweh: Ugh. I'd really rather you didn't, but whatever. Continue.

    Socrates: It is your nature to be just. I understand that. But we have yet to define justness. To say that you are justness and justness is you is to utter an empty tautology.

    Yahweh: Huh? Tautology? I may be omniscient, but I'm not omnilingual—speak English.

    Socrates: In other words, if justness equals you, then it makes no sense to say you are just. You're simply saying that you are yourself. You devoid the word justness of its meaning and reduce it to a mere synonym for yourself. Surely there is a better way to demonstrate your justness.

    Yahweh: Look, I freely admit that this is all very confusing, Socrates. Remember that the wisdom of this world is foolishness. I cannot expect you to fully comprehend these things.

    Socrates: Thank you for tolerating my ignorance. But would you please try—for my sake—to explain your justness?

    Yahweh: Okay, but my patience and interest in this discussion are wearing thin. It's becoming increasingly apparent that you do not seek truth, but contention. Out of my infinite mercy, however, I will nonetheless educate you. When I say my nature is just, I mean to say that I am measuring up to standard of justness.

    Socrates: Interesting. So justness is something all by itself, apart from you?

    Yahweh: Uh, I guess it would have to be in order for me to measure up against it.

    Socrates: What assurance do I have that you are constrained to follow this objective standard of justness? Why should I trust that your damning me to Hell is just?

    Yahweh: Again, it is my nature to be bound to the standard of justness.

    Socrates: To what exactly are you bound? The question persists: what is justness?

    Yahweh: Socrates, you are too dense to understand it were I to tell you. Can we please set this issue aside?

    Socrates: Very well. I did want to explore one last thing, though: your nature. To have a nature is to mean that you are defined and therefore constrained—that you are one way and not another. Right?

    Yahweh: Exactly. I could not, to revisit your example, make lying just.

    Socrates: I remember you saying that you could make lying just, but would not.

    Yahweh: Maybe I misspoke. I don't know; I don't care. This is just a silly exercise in semantics. The fact is that I could not make lying just—it is contrary to my nature.

    Socrates: If you cannot make lying just, as you conceded, then, you are not all-powerful. But you, the Judeo-Christian God, must be all-powerful. It, too, is integral to your nature. And given that you are not all-powerful, you cannot be God.

    What's more, a person is just, in large part, by choosing justice over injustice. However, you do not have this choice as per your nature; you have to be just. In what way, then, can you be called just? In what way can you even be called God?

    Yahweh: Perhaps I don't have a nature at all. What now, Einstein?

    Socrates: That is equally problematic. Without a nature, you have no limits. Without limits, you have no identity. And to be without an identity is to not exist at all.

    Yahweh: Certainly, I exist! "I think, therefore I am."

    Socrates: Frankly, it would be generous to call what you've been doing in this discussion "thinking."

    Yahweh: You are as aggravating as you are ugly, Socrates! I can understand why you were executed. If sending you to Hell is unfair, it is unfair only to Satan! Enjoy your eternity in torment.

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