Jonathan's Blog
Everything you never cared (or wanted) to know about Jon Adams
There's a certain dishonesty to my Facebook persona--and it's more than just the photo-shopped images haha. No, the dishonesty inheres in the fact that you only see (or I only present) my activist side: the liberal Jon, or the atheist Jon. It's that Jon who people find intimidating.
And while I'm both an unashamed liberal and atheist, I want to introduce you to the me you may not know. Because as you know more about me, you cannot possibly be intimidated. So allow me to humanize myself by sharing my long, disjointed list of quirks:
I was terrified of the toilet as a kid. Or perhaps more accurately: I was terrified of taking a crap in the toilet. I would delay said action for several days at a time, to the point where, when I did have to poo, I would just clog and flood the toilet. This only further discouraged me from using the toilet. So for months I would retreat to the sandbox in my backyard to, well, lay a brick (or the poop euphemism of your choice: http://www.gastroscout.com/woc/crapterm.cfm).
In a related story, I've tasted human feces. It was a dare--what seven year old turns down a dare?
Yes, it was my own. And no, I didn't like it. I can't say I regret the experience, though. For one, it's nice to have feces in your reference of tastes--how many people are able to say "this tastes like shit" and actually mean it? I have also enjoyed volunteering the fact that I've tasted feces on dates. Perhaps that's why I've never had a girlfriend or a boyfriend...
My love life is nonexistent. My first kiss was--get this--last week.* At age 20! I am just not physically affectionate with others (my dog excepted). And I'm often uncomfortable being touched in anyway. I wish this weren't the case, but it is. Not sure why, either.
*About my first kiss story: Let it suffice for now that I was hilariously clumsy, nervous, and awkward. A good time was had by all.
I am interested in all things German because of my heritage--my dad is from Germany). I own a $400 dollar pair of Lederhosen (I like playing dress-up). I listen almost exclusively to German music (namely Die Ärzte, a popular and prolific German punk-rock band). And I collect WWII German memorabilia; my most prized possession being a Nazi helmet. Occasionally, I'll wear it and goosestep about my house for shits and giggles.
McDonald's was the primary food group in my childhood diet. I was raised on that (delicious) crap. It wasn't rare for me to eat there four times a week. And during the height of the McDonald's Beanie Baby craze, I ate there for lunch and dinner every day. My family drove around the Salt Lake Valley, from McDonald's to McDonald's, trying to collect every Beanie Baby that came in the Happy Meals. Giving up Happy Meals was not easy for me to do. But once I did, I felt like a man. Advancing on to the adult menu at McDonald's was more a rite of passage into manhood for me than was, say, my ordination into the LDS priesthood. And as further evidence of my love for McDonald's, three friends independently gave me McDonald's gift cards for Christimas lol.
I say "Magoo!" after every sneeze. There isn't any particular reason, I just decided five years ago that I wanted to say it after I sneezed. And now it's a force of habit.
I started shaving between 5th and 6th grade (honest!).
I get my thrills from contacting quasi-celebrity folk. It just so happens that the biggest celebrities in my eyes (academics, politicians, etc) are all relatively accessible. So I have an email from noted social critic and linguist Noam Chomsky; a Christmas card from Manfred Rommel, son of Field Marshall Erwin Rommel ("The Desert Fox); I am acquaintances with Tal Bachman, the musician who sang the 90's hit "She's So High"; I had lunch with (ex)Mormon scholar Grant H. Palmer; I'm coordinating a visit to USU from atheist author and renown evolutionary biologist Richard Dawkins; chatted with Markos Moulitsas, found of Daily Kos; and emailed my favorite gay adult star to thank him not for his porn, but for his thoughtful blog posts. I suppose none of this challenges my image as an attention whore, but meh--it's a quirk of mine that I could not omit.
I am not easily scared, but I've always had this fear of swings. I was chubby in grade school, and the swings would remind me of that fact as they creaked and bowed under my weight.
As stoic as I seem, I'm really quite emotional. I cry. A lot. Nowadays, I average almost one cry a week--not as much as I used to. Most of these tears shed are tears of joy. I'll cry thinking about how awesome my friends and family are. I'll cry listening to great music. And I'll cry when I'm inspired. To illustrate, I cried several times in Hairspray. Yes, Hairspray! I cried because I appreciated it's message of racial harmony. That's the bleeding-heart liberal in me.
Sad cries sneak up on me sometimes as well. I have a difficult time with goodbyes--say, at missionary farewells or something. And funerals are a sadder experience for me now that I no longer believe in an afterlife. Just the other day in the break room at Harmons, I was reading the obituaries in the paper and my eyes began welling up.
On the opposite end from crying on the emotional spectrum: I also enjoy a good laugh. I have an enviable collection of stand-up comedy and I am a religious viewer of the following TV comedies: Family Guy, South Park, The Daily Show, The Colbert Report, Seinfeld, 30 Rock, The Office, Stella, and Arrested Development.
I possess superhuman orange-peeling skills.
I didn't learn that you were supposed to use soap when you bathe until I was 11.
It took over a year after I received my driver's license to muster up enough courage to use the drive-thru at fast-food restaurants. I just couldn't take the pressure. I'm too damn indecisive. I was also doubtful that I could pull my car close enough to the windows.
My first utterance of a swear word occurred in December 2005. My curse word of choice: "Jackass."
When I was devoutly Mormon, I sought to overcome masturbation. It kept me from getting my Patriarchal Blessing and being ordained to the office of a Priest. I went to some rather humorous measures to stop. A friend and I competed in a contest (modeled after a Seinfeld episode) over who could abstain the longest from masturbating. That didn't work. Competition boosts testosterone and increased testosterone is hardly an antidote to the male sex-drive. Plus, when I was doing well in the contest, I wanted to celebrate. And what better way to celebrate than by...yeah. Lol. 'Nuff said. In boughs of desperation, I even slept with a Book of Mormon in my bed to help keep my mind out of the gutter and onto the straight and narrow.
A funny aside: Whenever my bishop asked me if I had a problem masturbating, I was always tempted to coyly respond, "No, it works every time."
For the most part, I'm a socially reserved person. But get me in front of a camera and I'll loosen up. I can lose my identity (and thus my inhibitions) before a camera. And there's something about the grocery store that loosens me up, too. I get giddy and air guitar up and down the aisles. Maybe it's just to embarrass my friends and family. Or maybe I just love grocery shopping ("Food!").
I'm obnoxiously self-conscious about my weight and thinning hair. In a few of my Facebook pics, I've removed blemishes and even added hair.
I was a loner in elementary. At recess, I would either hang out with my motley crew of imaginary friends or I would play with the action figures I carried with me in my backpack.
I creep my friends out by saying that I wish I had been old enough to babysit them when they were kids. But it's true--I love kids and I love my friends, so why wouldn't I love my friends as kids? I really enjoy watching old home videos of my friends or pictures of when they were younger. Makes me feel more connected to their lives.
Believe it or not, I used to be an avid Bill O'Reilly fan back in middle school. I bought his books, watched his show, and cheered him on when he bullied the "looney left" into submission. I even lovingly sketched a portrait of O'Reilly and sent it to him in the hopes that he'd air my picture on his show. That never happened, much to my frustration, so I became disenchanted with O'Reilly and conservative politics in general. My liberalism has matured though and is no longer just to spite Bill O'Reilly haha.
I'll keep adding to this list of quirks as more things come to mind. And if you know something embarrassing or quirky about me that I've left out, please volunteer it!
This was brutaly honest. wow.... you have the same taste in television as me though. wow.
Ha ha, thanks for reading.
I'm so glad that I was fortunate enough to be your resident. You are one damn funny guy. Thanks for the 'humanizing' post. It didn't change my view of you, but it was fun to remember all those crazy things you've told me.
Oh man, I had to make a conscious attempt not to laugh out loud since I'm reading this at work. But really John...you crack me up XD If it makes you feel better, I was afraid of the toilet too! And I also had a Beanie Baby craze...I think I collected over 110 of the actual sized ones.
And I too ate at McDonalds like...5 times a week when I was in fifth grade XD Sad thing is, I could probably still do it.