Linda Martinez

About me:

My Testimony, My story... I am a believer in Jesus Christ who is in recovery for emotional, verbal, child sexual abuse, co-dependency, low self esteem, food addiction, shopping addiction, lying and rejection. Ever since I can remember I have been struggling with hurt and rejection from my father and mother, mostly my dad. My dad emotionally abused me with name calling, like stupid, good for nothing, worthless, prostitute, crater face, looser. He even cursed the day I was born, and many other things that I can’t say in church. My mom also abused me physically and with name calling. My dad’s rejection hurt me so much that I started looking for love in all the wrong places. I started dating men who abused me with words and actions, men who did not value me. I was looking for the love of my dad in other men. I wanted to feel loved so much, I was looking for self-esteem. I wanted to feel that I was worth something, that I was somebody. It was very hard for me to understand what true love was, what it meant or how it felt because of the abuse of my parents toward me and toward each other. I never knew what a loving family was. I didn’t know how to love or feel love. I saw God like I saw my dad, cold, and judgmental. Not only did my dad call me names, but he had so much anger that once I remember being in the car with him. I was about 8 years old and some kids were standing on the street. I was just looking outside my window at nothing in particular, but when my dad noticed he demanded to know what I was looking at? He mentioned their private parts. He thought that I was looking at them with lust; he screamed at me with so much anger; then he drove home as if nothing happened. I also remember one night when we were home watching TV. I was about 9 years old. When I looked at him I was not looking at anything in particular. I was just looking at him and again he screamed with anger. Why are you looking at me? Are you looking at my private part? This made me feel so scared, confused and lost. Why would he say these things to me? I didn’t understand. After these incidents he would act as if nothing happened. Like everything was fine. But I felt so confused and sad. He was very mean to my mom. He screamed at her mostly all the time. He was also unfaithful. He had the bad habit of lying all the time, teaching me to lie with his example. One day we were home and the phone rang. He told me Linda pick up the phone and tell my boss that I’m not home. I was about 7 years old. I picked up the phone and said, “ my dad told me to tell you that he is not home”. He was so mad. He taught me that lying was Ok sometimes. He could be very mean to my mom and me. He would say things like I’m done, I’m leaving you all, I’m out of here. I was just a child. I didn’t understand why he say these things, I would cry and beg him not to leave. I wondered where he go? Then after 1 hour or less he would come back again as if nothing happened. He did this so often, after a while, I was like “ Ok. Do you need me to help you with your suitcase? “ I know he loved me very much, but he had a weird way of showing it. I guess it’s probably because of how his father abandoned him when he was only 7 or 8 years old. At age 5 or 6 (I can’t remember well) I was sexually abused by my father’s best friend son in a walking closet at our apartment in Manhattan New York. I remembered after this incident being touched by several friends of my family. Also years later when I was a teenager the brother of the man who sexually abused me when I was a child, invited me to meet a friend of his, the truth was that he tried to pay a drug debt with me, he took me there to have sex with this man because he owed him money, he tried to have sex with me, but I said no and left. These incidents marked my life forever. After this my innocence was stolen, I was no longer the same kid. I was so confused, I didn’t know if I was supposed to feel attraction to men or women. So I struggled with this mostly all my life. I felt so worthless and dirty. These incidents of sexual abuse turned my world upside down. I still struggle with nightmares of sexual abuse and rape. I felt all this was my fault, that I asked for this. I have come to learn that I can’t change my past, but I can use my past to change my future. I also can use my past to reach others for God, others who like me were abused as children. Sometimes words are worse than beatings. My father’s words toward me made me feel unworthy of anything in life. As a result of this, I saw God as a punishing, strict and judgmental God. I thought that God was like my dad. All this led to severe depression and panic attacks. These conditions were so severe that I started feeling suicidal. I wanted to die so bad, I even felt mad at God for not letting me die and for not healing me. I wanted to escape from all this pain. But deep down inside I knew that killing myself was a sin. So I decided not to kill myself. But I felt already dead. I had no hope, no peace. Because I believed the lies that my father and other people who hurt me told me, I felt stupid, slow, ugly, fat, and unworthy. And I didn’t understand why God would love somebody like me. I felt like a looser. I would always thought “ I am a pathetic looser, no wonder all the guys leave me. At age 17 I had my 1st serious boyfriend. I felt so happy, I thought he cared for me, that I was important to him. But soon I discovered that behind my back he was dating my best friend who was like a brother to me. Yes he betrayed me with my best male friend who was like my own brother. They both did. I felt so hurt, and I felt even worst about myself. This broke my heart. Again, I felt so rejected and humiliated. Rejection was almost normal for me. Every time I decided to love somebody I felt rejected, even my friends sometimes rejected me. The sad thing is that I thought I deserved this, because I wasn’t good enough. That’s how I thought. I was so wrong. When I looked in the mirror I saw myself as a physically ugly woman, huge, so fat. I still struggle with looking myself in the mirror. I always tried to hide my flaws with makeup and hairstyles that covered my forehead, because I had ugly skin. My father called me crater face when he was angry. I hide my skin from everybody. I had this ritual with my hair, makeup and clothes. Everything had to be perfect for me to feel clean and good about myself. I never let people see me without bangs. I covered my forehead with hair, I hated my skin. I graduated from high school and started attending college. I decided to study communications and journalism because it was the only career at that time that did not have math classes in the curriculum. I didn’t want anybody to know that I am math illiterate. When I was about 7 years old my math teacher physically and emotionally abused me at school in New York. She abused not only me, she abused all the black and Latino kids in the classroom. She locked me in the janitorial closets and hit me. I told my parents everyday but they didn’t believed me. I was so scared by this teacher that I stopped eating and lost a lot of weight. I was terrified to go to school. By the time my father caught this woman hitting me it was too late. I was traumatized because of this. My parents and this school enrolled me in a school for children with emotional and nervous problems. After this I barely spoke. That’s why I was always afraid of school and math. I graduated from college with a Bachelor Degree in Communications and Journalism in 1989. Even with all my struggles with severe depression and panic attacks I manage to graduate. I wanted to show my dad that I was good for something. But I was still hurting inside. I didn’t know who I was or how to love others or even how to love myself. I felt numb, I didn’t know what real love was supposed to be, or feel like. I didn’t understand Gods love for someone like me. I decided to marry my fiancé of 8 years who was not a Christian, I felt I had to marry him in order to feel happy or feel normal, I didn’t know I was a relationship addict. I thought he was my happiness, big mistake. He was and still is a weekend alcoholic. It was the worse decision I ever made, and I paid the price for it. Years later when I gained weight and was still struggling with severe depression, I was always eating because after I ate I felt sleepy and slept and slept. Sleeping was the way I coped with this pain and depression. Soon my husband left me because I was no longer the thin girl he married. He told me I married a thin girl not you, while holding a photo of me when I was young and thin. Again I felt rejection. This worsened my depression. Little by little I stopped praying, reading the bible and lost hope. I decided to move to California. I wanted to start a new life. I started dating again, soon I met new friends and dated the wrong guys. Again I started looking for love in all the wrong places. But without God’s direction in my life, I could never have a clean new start. When I moved here to California I felt lonely at times, I remember posting an add on the internet seeking new friends. Then my dear husband John Martinez emailed me. Praise God he did. We started talking over the internet and the phone. I didn’t know he was a Christian. It’s so awesome how God crossed our paths. He is now my best friend and dear husband, who I love so much. I remember talking to him on the phone once and I invited him to see a movie with me. He told me “ Oh Linda I think it’s too soon to meet” “and my answer was chill out dude, I’m not asking you to marry me. I just want to see a movie.” Funny, months later we did get married. Be very careful about what you say and ask for, you might get it. My husband showed me what true love is, what caring is, what being honest and truthful is. I didn’t understand very well, but soon I was going to understand. John was the man that God had for me, but I could not comprehend why John loved me. I didn’t know how to love back. I didn’t know what to feel. I didn’t understand how somebody could love someone like me. I didn’t know how to love back. I didn’t know how love was supposed to feel like. God and my husband John taught me that true love is not a feeling, True love is a decision, true love is caring for that person, praying for that person, taking care of that person you love, And being there for them. God wanted me to learn that He loves me forever. That He gave His only Son Jesus Christ to die for me to live. That I am His precious child and creation, His beautiful creation, That He also gave His Son to die for me because He wanted to heal and restore my life. Little by little God and my husband taught me that it was Ok to be the real me, that it was Ok to be myself. That I didn’t have to hide anymore, that I was safe in Gods arms. For a year I visited churches and could not find one where I felt at home. Until one day I posted an add on Craigslist looking for a Christian church. A young man answered the add and called me. Youth Pastor Keith Greene. We spoke on the phone. He showed genuine love, he cared. He was so sweet and caring, He picked me up that next Sunday and for the 1st time in my life I felt what loving a son was like, when I met Keith I felt immediately that he was the son I never had, and I heard the word mom. Then I met Pastor Manuel Magana, and I said to myself dang I have a lot of books I have to read. His passion for learning about God and His word is contagious. Pastor Manuel was so humble and so caring. I felt I finally met my real family. CCH became my home. Immediately fell in love with you all and yes that includes Ray (Smile) I started getting closer to God, Growing in love with my CCH family, amen. Then one day Pastor Manuel invited me to a Christian 12-step program. Oh my! That’s where the healing started with full speed. I had to go back, back to those painful memories, back to the rejection, back to a dark side of my life that I honestly did not want to remember, I felt I opened a can of worms. But I had to go back, back to those painful memories, back to the rejection, back to the abuse, back to a deep and dark side of my life. I did not want to remember. I had to go back and I did. I recently went through step four, where I did my fearless moral inventory. I forgave the man who sexually abused me, I forgave the men who touched me, I forgave my father and my mother, I forgave every single person who hurt me or abused me in any way. I also asked for forgiveness. I asked the people I hurt to forgive me too. I made amends. Something incredible happened in my life when I did these steps. I understood Gods awesome love for me. God showed me that He will always love me, no matter what. I started to understand that I am important to God, that His love for me is Eternal. My 1st wow moment was when for the 1st time in many years I decided to let my hair grow and show my forehead. I started to use less makeup, and I started showing my real skin. CR taught me how much God truly loves me and how much He wanted me to heal. God created me, and He loves me just the way I am. I started to go out with no makeup and not hiding under my hair. This was a huge thing for me, I no longer felt ashamed of who I was without makeup or bangs. I am still learning many things, but I now love myself. I remember, as I went through step four with Pastor Rosa Magana I felt Gods healing power and love. I cried because I started to understand how amazing is Gods love for me. I feel and know that I belong to a loving father, God. That He is my only true Father. He was with me all the time. I just didn’t know it. That guilt, shame, hurt, will no longer have me captive. Because I am finally healing in my Father’s arms. No matter what I have done in the past, God will always love me. That will never change. My dad became a born again Christian. When I came to The Lord my father followed me, and we both became Christians. His love for God was so passionate, He was a prayer warrior, an evangelist. He prayed for me always. He produced my music with so much love and care. He was totally there for me. His last years on this earth were full of love for God and others. His last words for me were “ Please never stop singing for Christ, do not stop”. And he also asked me to lose weight. I kept my word. I am singing for Jesus and I lost 120 pounds. I still have more to lose, but I’m working on that. I told my dad I love him many times before he passed. I told him, “ I love you dad”. With no anger in my heart. I even gave him a hug and a kiss. It felt so good to be able to hug my dad again. Am I fully recovered? No. Do I still struggle with many things? Yes. I have a long way to go. But the good thing is that I no longer walk this road of recovery alone. God, my Father is walking with me and is holding my hand. This is a process, a journey. Now I can talk about my testimony and feel Ok with sharing and letting people know about my personal journey. I can tell them that God truly heals. That He loves us so much. That nothing is impossible for Him. That he is able and willing to heal our wounded emotions. I can’t change my past, my past is gone. But that dosen’t mean that I can’t heal. I know that God will finish the work He started in me. Philippians 1:6 God began doing a good work in you, and I am sure He will continue it until it is finished when Jesus Christ comes again. Thank you Father for all your love, thank you for your awesome love. I will always sing to you because you are so good to me, thank you. Psalms 108-1 My heart is confident in you, O God; no wonder I can sing your praises! Amen…........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... Mi Testimonio.... Soy una creyente en Jesucristo quien esta en recuperacion de abuso emocional, verbal, sexual, co dependencia, Baja autoestima, addicion a la comida y anorexia, adiccion a compras, mentiras y rechazos. Desde que me puedo recordar he estado luchando con heridas y rechasos de parte de mi padre y madre, mayormente mi padre. Mi padre abuso de mi emocionalmente, llamandome diferentes sobrenombres como estupida, no eres buena para nada, no vales la pena, prostituta, perdedora. Hasta llego al punto de maldecir el dia que yo habia nacido y muchas otras cosas que no puedo repetir en la iglesia. Mi madre tambien abuso de mi fisicamente y tambien llamandome sobrenombres. El rechazo por parte de mi padre me hirio tanto que comenze a buscar el amor en todas las partes equivocadas. Comenze a salir con hombres que abusaban de mi con sus palabras y sus acciones, hombres que no me valorizaban. Estaba buscando el amor que mi padre no me daba en otros hombres. Queria sentirme amada, estaba procurando tener una buena auto estima de mi misma. Queria sentir que yo valia algo, que yo era alguien. Fue muy dificil para mi comprender que era el verdadero amor, que significaba o como se sentia ser amada porque solo conocia abuso de parte de mis padres hacia mi y hacia cada uno. Nunca supe lo que era tener una familia que me amara, No sabia como amar, o sentir amor. Veia a Dios como veia a mi padre, frio, estricto y siempre juzgando. No solamente me llamaba por sobrenombres, pero tambien tenia tanto enojo que recuerdo una vez estabamos en el carro y yo tenia como 8 años y y pasamos cerca de unos niños que estaban en la calle. Estaba solamente mirando fuera de mi ventana pero no miraba a nada en particular, pero cuando mi padre me vio mirando hacia afuera me demandaba que le dijera que era lo que yo estaba mirando. Gritando me pregunto si estaba mirandole las partes privadas a los niños. El pensaba que yo miraba a los niños con deseos sexuales, me gritaba con tanto enojo, y luego manejo hasta nuestra casa como si no hubiese pasado nada. Tambien recuerdo una noche mientras estabamos en la casa viendo television. Yo tenia como 9 años. Cuando lo mire, no miraba nada en particular. Solo lo estaba mirando y otra vez me grita con mucho enojo. ¿Porque me miras? ¿Me estas mirando mis partes privadas? Esto me hizo sentir mucho miedo, confundida y perdid, me sentia sucia.. Yo me preguntaba: ¿Porque me dira estas cosas? Yo no comprendia. Despues de estos incidentes el actuaba como si no hubiese pasado nada. Como que todo estaba perfectamente bien. Pero yo me sentia confundida y triste. Mi padre era bien cruel con mi madre. La mayor parte del tiempo le gritaba. Tambien le fue infiel. Tenia la mala costumbre de mentir todo el tiempo y con su ejemplo yo tambien aprendi a ser mentirosa. Un dia estabamos en casa y sono el telefono. El me dijo, Linda, contesta el telefono y le dices a mi patron que yo no estoy en la casa. Yo tenia como 7 años de edad. Yo conteste el telefono y dije: "Mi papa me dijo que te dijera que el no esta en la casa". El se enojo tanto! El me enseño que uno podia mentir aveces. El podia ser bien cruel conmigo y con mi mama. Aveces decia: Basta, estoy harto!, me voy y los dejo a todos, me largo de aqui. Yo era solo una niña. No comprendia porque el decia estas cosas. Yo lloraba y le suplicaba que no se fuera. Tambien me preguntaba a mi misma para donde el se iria? Despues que se iba, regresaba en una hora o menos como si no hubiese pasado nada. El hacia esto constantemente. Despues de un tiempo yo le preguntaba si necesitaba ayuda para preparar la maleta. Yo se que el me queria mucho pero me lo mostraba de una manera muy extraña. Probablemente su comportamiento era a raiz de que su padre lo habia abandonado cuando tenia 7 o 8 años de edad. Cuando yo tenia aproximadamente 5 o 6 años de edad (no se exactamente), fui abusada sexualmente por el hijo del mejor amigo de mi papa en un closet en nuestro apartamento en Manhattan, New York. Me acuerdo despues de este incidente que tambien algunas amistades de mis familiares me tocaban mis partes privadas, fui abusada sexualmente por otras personas llegadas a mi familia. Tambien cuando ya era una jovencita, el hermano del hombre que abuso de mi cuando yo era una niña, me invito para reunirnos con un amigo de el. La verdad era que el estaba tratando de saldar una deuda de droga conmigo. El me llevo alli para que este hombre tuviera actos sexuales conmigo porque el de debia dinero. El trato de tener sexo conmigo pero yo no permiti, y me fui. Estos incidentes marcaron mi vida para siempre. Despues de esto mi inocencia habia sido robada. Ya no era la misma niña. Estaba tan confundida! No sabia si debia tener atraccion hacia hombres o hacia mujeres. Segui luchando con esto la mayor parte de mi vida. Me sentia que no valia nada y muy sucia. Estos incidentes de abuso sexual le dieron un giro enorme a mi vida. Todavia tengo pesadillas de abuso sexual y violacion. Yo sentia como que todo esto era culpa mia, que yo me lo busque. He aprendido a comprender que no puedo cambiar mi pasado, pero puedo usar mi pasado para cambiar mi futuro. Tambien puedo usar mi pasado para alcanzar a otros para Cristo. Otros que al igual que yo, fueron abusados desde niños. A veces las palabras hieren mas que golpes fisicos. Las palabras que mi padre me decia me hacian sentir que no merecia nada en esta vida. Como resultado de esto, miraba a Dios como un Dios castigador, muy estricto y un Dios juzgador. Yo miraba a Dios como miraba a mi padre. Todo esto me llevo a una depresion severa y ataques de panico. Estas condiciones eran tan severas que comenze a sentirme suicida. Tenia tantos deseos de morirme! Inclusive, estaba muy enojada con Dios porque no habia permitido morirme y no me habia sanado. Lo unico que yo queria era escapar de tanto dolor, pero dentro de mi yo sabia que si me quitaba la vida eso iba a ser un pecado. No me dio valor de quitarme la vida. Pero ya me sentia muerta. No tenia esperanzas. No tenia paz. Como yo creia en las mentiras que mi papa y otras personas me decian, me sentia estupida, retardada, fea, gorda y que no merecia nada. Tampoco entendia como Dios podia a amar una persona como yo. Me sentia que no valia nada. Yo siempre pensaba, yo no valgo nada, con razon todos los hombres me dejan. A la edad de 17 tuve mi primer novio formal. Me senti tan contenta y pensaba que el se preocupaba por mi y que yo era importante para el. Pero pronto descubri que detras de mi el estaba saliendo con mi mejor amigo quien era como un hermano para mi. Si, me traiciono con mi mejor amigo a quien yo queria como un hermano. Los dos me traicionaron. Me senti tan herida! y me senti aun peor acerca de mi misma. Esto rompio mi corazon. Otravez me senti rechazada y humillada. El rechazo era algo normal para mi. Cada vez que yo decidia amar a alguien, me sentia rechazada, incluyendo mis amistades. Lo mas triste de esto era que yo pensaba que yo merecia esto porque yo no valia nada. Asi era como yo pensaba. Estaba tan equivocada! Cuando me miraba en el espejo, miraba una mujer fea fisicamente, y tan gorda! Todavia lucho cuando me miro al espejo. Aun a veces me veo gorda en el espejo, cuando ya no soy gorda. Siempre trataba de esconder mis imperfecciones con maquillaje y peinados que me cubrieran mi frente porque yo tenia la piel fea. Mi papa me llamaba cara de cráter cuando estaba enojado. Yo me escondia de todos. Tenia un ritual con mi pelo, maquillaje y ropa. Todo tenia que estar perfecto para yo sentirme limpia y bien acerca de mi misma. Nunca permitia que nadie me mirara sin pollina. Me cubria mi frente con mi pelo. Odiaba mi piel. Luego que me gradue de la escuela superior fui a la Universidad. Decidi estudiar Comunicaciones y Periodismo porque era la unica carrera que no incluia clases de matematicas en el curriculo. No queria que nadie supiera que soy mala en matematicas. Cuando yo tenia como 7 años mi maestra de matematicas me abusaba fisica y emocionalmente en la escuela donde yo estaba en New York. Ella no solo abusaba de mi, sino de todos los estudiantes de color y latinos en el salon de clases. Ella me encerraba en el cuarto del conserje y me pegaba. Yo le decia esto a mis padres todos los dias pero ellos no me creian. Le tenia tanto miedo a esta maestra que deje de comer y perdi mucho peso. Yo le tenia terror a ir a la escuela. Cuando mi papa la descubrio abusando de mi ya era muy tarde. Por esto me traumatize. Luego mis padres me llevaron a una escuela donde van los niños abusados emocionalmente y tienen problemas nerviosos. Despues de esto yo casi no hablaba. Por eso tenia miedo de ir a la escuela y le tenia terror a la matematica. En el 1989 me gradue de la Universidad con un Bachillerato en Comunicaciones y Periodismo. Aun con mis luchas de depresion severa y ataques de panico, logre graduarme gracias a Dios. Le queria demostrar a mi papa que yo sí era buena para algo. Pero aun estaba herida por dentro. Yo no sabia quien yo era, o como amar a otros o aun a mi misma. Me sentia como si anduviese dormida. No sabia que era el amor verdadero. No comprendia el amor de Dios para alguien como yo. Decidi casarme con mi novio de 8 años quien no era cristiano. Senti que tenia que casarme con el para poder sentirme feliz o sentirme normal. Yo no sabia que yo estaba adicta a las relaciones. Yo pense que el era mi felicidad. Que error tan grande! El era y todavia es un alcoholico de fin de semana. Fue la decision mas mala que pude hacer en mi vida y pague un alto precio por ello. Años despues aumente de peso y continuaba luchando con depresion severa. Siempre estaba comiendo porque cada vez que comia me daba sueño y me dormia, y dormia y dormia. Con dormir yo podia manejar tanto dolor y tanta depresion, ese era mi escape. Pronto mi esposo me dejo porque ya no era la flaquita con quien el se habia casado. El me dijo: Yo me case con una flaca, no contigo, mientras me mostraba una foto de mi cuando yo era flaca. Otra vez senti rechazo. Esto empeoro mi depresion. Poco a poco perdia la costumbre de orar, leer la biblia y fui perdiendo las esperanzas. Decidi mudarme a California. Queria comenzar una nueva vida. Otravez comenze a conocer hombres y siempre los equivocados. Otravez comenze en busca del amor en todos los lugares equivocados. Pero sin la direccion de Dios en mi vida no iba a poder comenzar de nuevo. Cuando me mude a California, muchas veces me sentia sola. Recuerdo que puse una nota en el internet que estaba buscando amistades nuevas. Luego mi esposo John Martinez me envio un correo electronico. Gloria a Dios que me escribio. Comenzamos a hablar por internet y por telefono. Yo no sabia que el era cristiano. Es tan maravilloso como Dios cruzo nuestros caminos. Ahora el es mi mejor amigo y mi querido esposo, a quien yo amo tanto. Me acuerdo que una vez estaba hablando con el por telefono y lo invite al cine. El me dijo: "Oh Linda, yo creo que es muy pronto para que nos conozcamos" "y mi contestacion fue: no te preocupes chico, yo no te estoy pidiendo que te cases conmigo. Solo quiero ver una pelicula." Es gracioso como meses despues nos casamos. Tengan cuidado con lo que pidan, porque lo pueden recibir. Mi esposo John me demostro lo que es verdadero amor, lo que es cuidar a alguien, lo que es ser honesto y fiel. No comprendia muy bien pero pronto iba a comprender. John era el hombre que Dios tenia para mi, pero yo no podia comprender porque John me amaba. Yo no sabia devolver el amor. No sabia que sentir. Yo no comprendia como alguien podia amar a alguien como yo. Yo no sabia como se sentia ser amada. Dios y mi esposo John me enseñaron que el amor verdadero no es un sentimiento. El amor verdadero es una decision, el amor verdadero es cuidar esa persona que uno ama, orar por esa persona, y estar siempre para esa persona. Dios queria que yo reconociera que el me ama para siempre. Que el dio a su Hijo Unigenito Jesucristo para morir para que yo viviera. Que yo soy su hija preciosa y su creacion hermosa, que el tambien dio a Su Hijo para morir por me porque el queria sanar y restaurar mi vida. Poco a poco, Dios y mi esposo me enseñaron que estaba bien que yo fuera la persona que en realidad yo era. Que yo no tenia que esconderme mas, que yo estaba segura en las manos de Dios. Por un año, visite varias iglesias, pero no me sentia tan comoda. Hasta un dia que puse un add en Craigslist, que decia que estaba buscando una iglesia cristiana. Un joven, contesto mi anuncio y me llamo. El era el pastor de los jovenes Keith Greene. Hablamos por telefono. El me mostro amor genuino, a el le importaba. El fue tan dulce y tan cuidadoso. Me fue a buscar el proximo domingo y por la primera vez en mi vida yo pude sentir que era querer a un hijo. Cuando conoci a Keith yo senti immediatamente que el era el hijo que yo nunca tuve y escuche la palabra mama. Luego conoci al pastor Manuel Magana, y me dije a mi misma, wow, tengo muchos libros que leer y mucho que aprender. Su pasion por conocer a Dios y a su palabra es contagiosa. El pastor Manuel era tan humilde y tan cuidadoso. Sentia que finalmente habia encontrado a mi familia verdadera. CCH llego a ser mi casa. Inmediatamente me enamore de todos ustedes, incluyendo a Ray (Smile). Comenze a acercarme a Dios, y creciendo en amor con mi familia de CCH, Amen. Luego, un dia el pastor Manuel me invito a un programa cristiano de 12 pasos. Oh Dios! Ahi fue cuando comenze a sanar a gran velocidad. Tuve que regresar, regresar a esos recuerdos dolorosos, regresar al rechazo, regresar al lado oscuro de mi vida el cual yo no queria recordar. Sentia que yo habia causado un gran problema. Pero era necesario regresar a esos recuerdos dolorosos, al rechazo y al abuso, regresar al lado oscuro y profundo de mi vida. Yo no queria recordar. Tuve que regresar, y regrese. Cuando pase por el paso numero 4, tuve que hacer un inventario moral. Perdone al hombre que abuso de mi sexualmente, al hombre que me toco, a mi padre y a mi madre, a toda persona que me hirio o me abuso de una u otra manera. Tambien pedi perdon a las personas a quien yo heri para que me perdonaran. Algo increible paso en mi vida cuando hize estos pasos. Comprendi el amor maravilloso de Dios hacia mi. Dios me demostro que siempre me ama, sin condiciones. Comenze a comprender que soy importante para Dios y que su amor para mi es eterno. Mi primer momento de asombro fue cuando por primera vez en muchos años decidi dejar crecer mi pelo y mostrar mi frente. Comenze a usar menos maquillaje y comenze a mostrar mi piel. CR me enseño cuanto Dios en verdad me ama y cuanto Dios me queria sanar. Dios me creo, y me ama como soy. Comenze a salir sin maquillaje y a no esconderme debajo de mi pelo. Esto fue algo grande para mi. Ya no estaba avergonzada de quien yo era sin maquillaje y sin pollina. Todavia estoy aprendiendo muchas cosas pero ahora me quiero mucho a mi misma. Me acuerdo que mientras iba cruzando el paso numero 4 con la pastora Rosa Magana sentia el poder sanadaor de Dios y su amor. Comenze a llorar porque entendia cuan maravilloso es el amor de Dios para mi. Yo siento y tambien se que yo pertenezco a un padre de amor, Dios. Que el es mi unico padre verdadero. El estuvo conmigo todo el tiempo. Solo que yo no lo sabia. Esa culpa, verguenza, heridas, ya no me tendran cautiva. Como estoy finalmente sanando en los brazos de mi padre, no importa lo que yo he hecho en mi pasado, Dios siempre me amara. Eso nunca cambiara. Mi padre entrego su vida a Cristo. Cuando yo vine al Señor mi padre me siguio, y los dos nos convertimos en cristianos. Su amor hacia Dios fue tan apasionado que llego a ser un guerrero de oracion, un evangelista. Siempre oraba por mi. Tambien produjo mi musica con mucho amor y cuidado. Estuvo ahi siempre para mi. Sus ultimos años en este mundo fueron llenos de amor hacia Dios y hacia otros. Sus ultimas palabras hacia mi fueron: "Nunca dejes de cantar para Cristo, por favor, no pares." Tambien me pidio que bajara de peso. Yo mantuve mi promesa. Yo canto para Cristo y baje 120 libras. Aun tengo mas libras que bajar, pero estoy trabajando en eso. Le dije a mi padre que yo lo queria muchas veces antes de que muriera. Le dije: "Te quiero papi", sin enojos en mi corazon. Hasta le di un abrazo y un beso. Se sintio tan bien poder abrazar a mi papa nuevamente. Estoy completamente restaurada? No. Todavia lucho con muchas cosas? Si. Aun tengo un camino largo por recorrer pero lo bueno es que este camino no lo camino sola. Dios, mi Padre camina conmigo y me lleva de la mano. Esto es un proceso, una jornada. Ahora puedo hablar de mi testimonio y me siento bien al compartirlo y dejarle saber a la gente acerca de mi jornada. Les puedo decir que Dios verdaderamente sana. Que nos ama tanto! Que nada es imposible para El. Que el puede y quiere sanar nuestras emociones heridas. Yo no puedo cambiar mi pasado, mi pasado se fue. Pero eso no significa que no puedo sanar. Yo se que Dios terminara esa obra que comenzo en mi. Filipenses 1:6: El que comenzo en vosotros la buena obra, la perfeccionara hasta el dia de Jesucristo. Gracias Padre por todo tu amor, gracias por tu amor maravilloso. Siempre te cantare porque tu eres bueno conmigo, Gracias. Salmos 108:1: Mi corazon esta dispuesto, oh Dios; Cantare y entonare salmos; para tu gloria y honra. Amen
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--------------------MY BACKROUND--------------------------- I started singing christian music since i was very young, i was born and raised in New York (Manhattan), i also lived in Puerto Rico with my family for many years. There i started singing christian music winning in 1992 The festival of the voice and song Lira of Puerto Rico. From 1992 to 2004 i recorded four christian CD'S in Spanish for the glory of God. I have traveled to the U.S. Central America to sing the music God has given me. In 2000 i won best voice in The secular festival the voice of Puerto Rico. I have worked with many christian latino artists. I have overcome many obstacles like child abuse and i like to share my testimony everywhere i sing. I share my story through the songs i write, and i also speak about how much emotional, sexual, physical, and mental abuse can harm a child forever. I have a bachelors degree in Tv, Communications, Journalism, Radio, graduated from Sacred Heart University San Juan PR. I also studied Vocal Techniques (Singing, (Voice) Popular Music, at The Puerto Rico Conservatory of Music). I have been singing christian music for 30 years, since i was a child, i love to sing for Jesus, He is the reason for me to sing and live for Him. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------