THE TOP 5 RAUNCHIEST SONGS EVER &hearts ! (warning - steamy adult content)
Epic 70s Bollywood disco slow-grind - so utterly dripping with wanton debauchery, the original record goes for £300, purely to prevent children from stumbling across it. I'm pretty convinced this was recorded in the middle of a forest of aluminium palm trees, inside some impenetrably dark nightclub, with the 'singer' spinning around on a revolving, zebra-skin water bed, beneath a neon purple light. I say 'singer' cos she actually just 'la-la-la's a bit and lets loose some of the most decadent orgasmic groans ever committed to vinyl, all over a squiggly synth, with the odd burst of mocking laughter. There's also a bit that sounds like a budgie playing the kazoo. This is, without doubt, the true sound of S.E.X and, if Kalyanji-Anandji had been rightly venerated (along with RD Burman) as the foremost producers in their field (instead of miserable corpses like George Martin or homicidal nutjobs like Phil Spector), then maybe Madonna wouldn't have bothered boring our arses off with her pathetic, cynical, self-absorbed stabs at creating the sort of 'sexy music' that only a repressed Tory backbencher could seriously get off on.
2) RATS - "Tattoo" ('Nice Tracks' LP)
Rats were an early 80s no-wave/post-punk/whatever group from Italy who released a brilliant LP called "C'est Disco", then a track on this comp, before disappearing (sadly, they later reformed as some fucking dismal rock band, without lead vocalist Claudia Lloyd). "Tattoo" is a really sublime slice of Mediterranean pop with ethereal guitars and low-key, seductive vocals dipping in and out of the mix. My Italian is very poor, so I don't know what she's saying, but that's irrelevant anyway. I once saw an interview with Scottish drug enthusiast Irvine Welsh, where he said that if you didn't end up rutting to Marvin Gaye's "What's Going On", you didn't have a sex drive. If he'd heard this, he wouldn't have made such a rash statement - and he might have written some better hochmagandy scenes too.
3) Z-FACTOR - "I Like To Do It In Fast Cars" (12")
Some American electro obscurity, with a bloke and bird discussing their preference for messing about in motors. Admittedly, this is more 'snorting coke off a Lambourghini (sp?) steering wheel' than 'a quick bunk-up in Tony's V-reg Estate round the corner from Mirage in Luton'. I've never had a fast car, but I'd love to gun one down the Amalfi Coast at a ridiculous speed while playing the second Suicide album. Unfortunately, there's a pile of complete and utter wank in the world called 'capitalism' and I was born on the wrong side of the fence to realise this dream any time soon. Still, some of you on Myspace are famous musicians - go on. Just a couple of hundred grand...you can afford it, you liars. The tune is far better than anything Kraftwerk ever recorded, and ends with an almighty crash, for all you JG Ballard fans. Incidentally, when I was going through my uniform fetish phase (back in my 20s sometime, I can't remember exactly), I was never into nurses, nazi commandants, policewomen (spit) or any of that sub-Jim Davidson shit. Girls in RAC breakdown clobber - that did it for me.
4) SYLVESTER - "I Need Somebody to Love Tonight" (12")
I reckon this is producer Patrick Cowley's finest moment, though feel free to tell me to fuck off and that "Menergy" was better. Doesn't make you right though! If we'd sent this track to Mars, Earthlings would probably enjoy a slightly better reputation across the solar system - instead of being constantly referred to as "that bunch of subnormal cunts who've only got as far as H-Bombs and Twitter". But what did we transport to Mars instead? A Blur track. Thank fuck the rocket crashed. Here, over one of the most hypnotic disco riffs ever conceived , Sylvester makes a plea for contact and lurve so spine-chillingly heartfelt it makes you want to lamp Morrissey for all that whining he did about going home alone one night. Who the hell's that self-pitying joker to tell US "Oh, shut your mouth"?
5) BLOOD AND ROSES - "Spit Upon Your Grave" ('Love Under Will' 12")
I also went through a goth fetish phase, many (blood red) moons ago. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to make a commitment to this subculture - something about wearing a frilly ruff, growing my hair long, wearing make up and taking Mick Mercer seriously that turned me off. But how can anyone hate goths? How can anyone hate furries for that matter? Check out the pictures of furverts dancing on the "History is Made at Night" blog (oh just google it, I hate doing links) - how could you harbour any malice towards these folks? Fuck the Martians and their superior intellect, I'd rather stay on a planet where people unashamedly dress as foxes and racoons. Well, I know who I'd rather go out raving with, anyway. OK, goths haven't helped their cause with those boots with 5" soles, nor all that neo-folk tripe, but the snakebites'n'black and fascination with Mary Shelley I can handle. Sadly, many members of this tribe tend to be wary of non-goth paramours, so I couldn't even persuade them to pop round BTi towers for a gander at my blue vinyl copy of "Bela Lugosi's Dead", just cos I was sporting a pair of Wranglers. I guess if you wanna get down and dirty to this song, you'd better be semi-interested in doing so on a witch's tombstone at midnight. For my money, it's pure rock n roll sleaze, and possibly the best thing the Banshees never recorded - but then again, that probably isn't hard, arf arf!
What you waiting for? Crack out the poppers and get freaky.