Cybernetic scientists rushed me to a top security facility - my years of sales and marketing experience deemed too valuable to be allowed to perish! After months of surgery and coma-induced fantasy, I awoke in a private ward. A nurse wheeled me towards a mirror and slowly unpeeled my bandages...the shock nearly sent me back into my comatose state! Whether I was now man or machine, I cannot truly tell. All I know is that the desire to make a quick buck burned more fiercely inside me than ever before!
A doctor took me aside and explained what had happened. I had been rebuilt as a SPAMBOT, and my new marketplace was to be...the World Wide Web! To the people living around me, I would just be plain old Maurice Tile - your average guy next door! But as soon as I connected to the internet, I would morph into MAURICE TILE - spambot extraordinaire, clogging up bandwidth with my relentless marketing overkill!
I was flown to a warehouse in Copenhagen, patrolled by armed guards. "Behold!" yelled Dr Ometoso, motioning towards several thousand containers, each stencilled with the legend VIAGRA. "The new world currency!" the quack gurgled excitedly. "Tile, your mission is to shift every last ounce of this stuff by the end of the month - another 10,000-box consignment's due in soon!"
I traipsed down the street, breathlessly, until I found an internet cafe'. Logging onto the Net, I felt my synapses crackle! Working at inhuman speed, I fired off 13 million emails around the world in 20 seconds. Orders began to flood in - within 5 minutes, I'd sold 9,000 boxes of Viagra. I moved from Blog to Blog, filling thousands of comments boxes with junk in the time it would take the average 'human' to enter their Yahoo password! Bloggers wept and cursed, as their lovely posts about hauntology were buried beneath a welter of spam! I, MAURICE TILE, was truly the ULTIMATE SPAMBOT!
A buzzing in my frontal lobe signaled the arrival of a new psychic email...from Dr Ometoso! "TEXAS HOLD'EM!" he ranted. "SHIFT, SHIFT, SHIFT! EMPHASIS ON CASINO OFFERS, WE NEED 50 MILLION MESSAGES OUT THERE BY 14.50 GMT! DO NOT FAIL US, TILE!"
MSN had a seizure and collapsed as I saturated the net with gambling promos. I was just about to take out AOL too, when, suddenly -
A hand grabbed my collar, spinning me round in my swivel seat, and pulling me away from the monitor. "BASTARD!" a voice howled, as a fist connected with my face, sending me sprawling onto the internet cafe' floor!
I couldn't believe my eyes - it was Brian Frinton, the Tottenham-based trading standards officer! "You can call me...FIREWALL FRINTON!" he sneered. "I was hit by a high-speed train in 2000, after my dog strayed onto the line," he explained. "However, cybernetic scientists managed to re-build my twisted body with McAfee VirusScan. You're nuffink but a common spambot, Tile - and I'm putting a stop to your little game!" And, that said, he yanked the modem lead out of its socket!
"YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME, FRINTON!" I roared, lunging for his (etc, etc)