Welcome back to the GRINDHOUSE!!!
Hopefully, you've all seen the (formerly) faux trailer that preceded Robert Rodriguez's PLANET TERROR to kick off the GRINDHOUSE experience. Well, with the assistance of Ethan Maniquis, Rodriguez has finally gone back and made the film to back it up!
Rodriguez serves up EVERYTHING promised in the trailer (Jeff Fahey, Cheech Marin, and most laudably, a dynamite lead role for Danny Trejo--about time... was his PREDATORS role a joke or something?), along with hilarious-to-stellar support from Steven Seagal, Robert DeNiro, Don Johnson (sorry... "INTRODUCING Don Johnson..."), Michelle Rodriguez, wall-to-wall splatter and ferocious attitude to spare.
And then he had to go and put Jessica Alba in it.
Sorry, folks. She doesn't KILL the film, but it's not through lack of trying. She's the same talentless eye candy that she's always been, and she's especially excruciating this time around. Michelle Rodriguez gives you MORE than enough to look at and has what it takes to back it UP, too, in case you were wondering where I was coming from.
What? Lindsay Lohan? Hell, she's fine. She's a good sport who takes full advantage of her tabloid reputation (and that's before she gets the habit, as it were), and she doesn't even begin to weigh the film down.
The action and the gore? Trust me--had this BEEN the '70s release the GRINDHOUSE trailer hinted at, it would have gotten the "X" it pretended to have. Just how long is the human intestine?
And in the meantime, let's please not start in on the 'immigration' debate in the context of this review. Rodriguez isn't here to play "fair" with MACHETE--he's here to be as inflammatory as possible. How could you NOT make such a film and not have the caravan of low riders squaring off against the "good old boys?" This is NOT a film about rational debate--this is a film about rattling cages and splattering the screen from end to end... in that regards, it's damn near perfect.
Except for that Jessica Alba.
PLEASE make the sequels without her.