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"The last doughnut you saved for yourself, gone it is. Consumed by Lord Vader." - Oscar Wilde
My name is James and sorry dude but you've got the wrong profile. This is not the guitarist you are looking for. In the grand scheme of life, there are a rare few who can be considered truly great. You stand before one right now, not that you'd know anything about it, you snivelling pleb.
 | A rare shot of the
Transparent Tiger
(Pantera Invisibilis)
taken during working hours |
I was raised by a cup of coffee. It wasn't a priviliged upbringing at all. Don't get me wrong, plenty of hot beverages do a great job of raising their children, taking them for trips to the cafes of Paris and Milan to see the espresso machines loudly steaming into the night. But I'm from the bad side of town. Mumma was a mug of Nescafe, and there was no silver spoon. Daddy was a Tim Tam, he went soggy before I was born. When I went to school, the older kids were all roasted beans, real hard cases, and they used to beat me up for the little sachets of sugar and small packets of UHT milk that mum gave me for my lunch.
But more importantly, I am so awesome it hurts. Seriously.. I'm taking codeine as I write this. I think this is the bit where I'm supposed to seem witty without really trying and be all wry and detached and ironic and whatever. Yeah really. It's all about letting you know how cool I am, and in some weird orgy of mutual flattery let you know how cool you are for looking me up. As if this wasn't, you know, the fucking internet. The earliest accounts of my good self are dubious, riddled with contradictions and mingled with myth resulting in certain religions including Spaghetti Monster Worship. While there are legends of ill-tempered men going about hijacking seacraft going clear back to the story of creation, the first who we can be confident actually existed was the dread Pontius Pirate, who lived in the first century AD. he was the bigest poop shoot pirate who ever lived. You two would definitely get along.
Another picture of the
Transparent Tiger,
this one taken while he
was on a break. |  |
A few weeks ago I was almost involved in a shark attack. But it turned out just to be a really fat fish. This was the most terrifying event in the history of everything, since 1940 when Josef Stalin got caught with a boner in the wholefoods section of the local supermarket at Kronstadt. Just to be safe I am having no contact at all with water.
In the first instance I was born as the bastard son of the Duke of Anjou and his mistress from Transylvanian Africa. I was christened Mawsonne Mawsonnius (later shortened to Mawso in the Great Marquee Shortage of 1876) in honour of the inventor of the grandmother clock. Trained as a wizard and a choir boy, nobody is more rock than I am. As a superhero, I have powers of super strength, flight, sonic blasts, and (supposedly, though I have never unveiled it) demonic summoning. I am also said to be able to control machines, but one day most of them got angry at me and left to go get rich in the mines of Western Australia. I am only vulnerable to flowers, which I believe are an intoxicating substance that will deprive my of my sanity, and AFL football, which is kind of dull. Several men have attempted to be more rock than me, but they all have failed and have been cast into the pit of the unworthy, forced to haul pails of tears away from indie-pop concerts.
 | "We put a television,
in yo air filter!"
- Mad Mike from
hit tv show
"Pimp My Ride" |
I am working on a new form of rapid public transport based on Einstein's general theory - I call it the "faster than light rail". In trying to explain how the theory worked, Einstein also invented trains which can travel faster than light. He explained that in these trains which travel at light speed, if you were to walk up the train, your speed would actually be 2 miles per hour faster than light speed. Thus, many of these light speed trains can attain faster than light travel due to people who are paid to constantly run up and down the carriages. I have Leon Trotsky organising the roster. Way back in 19-something or other , with other exiles from tsarist Russia across Europe, Trotsky formed the Russian Social Democratic Revolutionary Labour-Peasant Dockside Cold Blooded Necrophilia Killaz [Internationalist], a youth gang, with communist and crip associates like Lenin, Stalin, and comrade Coolio who was on tour there at the time.. He presented his thesis "Toward Permanent Factionalism" at the Second Congress of the RSDRL-PPDCBK[I] in early 1903, but some confusion has arisen, because by late 1903 the party had already become the International Socialist Third Street and Grant Boulevard Gangsta Disciples [Don't Play no Bullshit] (ISTSGBGD[DPB]). The change was due to a dispute with ex-member Comrade Snoop Dogg who reportedly "spat game" at Trotsky's woman and they all had to roll out there and slug it out like G's. It was due to this instance, and his continued misogyny that Snoop converted to Stallin' ism. Trotsky summarised his theory thusly: "A political organisation must maintain its ideological purity by ensuring all of its members engage in group-think at all times. In the face of deviation the Pure must resort to liquidationism if in the majority, or factional splitting if in the minority." Amid cries of "nonsense," Trotsky's proposal was defeated. He promptly split the party and took the Menshevik wing with him, leaving the Bolsheviks to do their own thing. Two months later, dissatisfied with the direction of the Mensheviks, Trotsky and his followers split to form the Bolshevik-Mensheviks, and, later still, the Menshevik-Bolshevik-Mensheviks. By the time the Russian Revolutions rolled around in 1917, historians estimate there were 967 revolutionary Marxist groups in Tsarist Russia. He'll do fine organising runners for my trains. As a mode of transport it's slightly inconvenient for passengers with people running up and down all day, but it sure gets you where you're going pretty fast.
Please pay
your utility bills
on time
and in full |  |
For 3 months, I learnt the euphonium.
One old time game we played once with my uncle around this time of year is we went to bet him that he could not drink as much gravy as I could drink in water in one day. He proudly took us up on that because he was a deadbeat and he already failed at his own family so he was trying to be as cool as possible while he lived with us. So we heated up this gravy from the back of the fridge. I started my water and he was having his gravy right out of the measuring cup so he would know how much he had. We were evenly matched until 1pm or so when he started kind of wailing and he was lying down in the den on his stomach. By 5pm I had a really good lead but he was still hanging in there and saying some junk about how he can see every planet orbiting the sun and it looked like the prettiest necklace he had ever seen and that he would buy it for his ex wife and then by like 9pm I pretty much forgot about it because he went to go puke and then fell asleep. And then the nextg morning he was gone and mom said he went on vacation but everyone knows he sort of became a drifter. So yeah good tip messing with the folks.
I take very much to heart the words of a great man, who once said that the Tree of Liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants. It is best planted in indirect sunlight. Ideally soil should be slightly alkaline, but it has been known to flourish at a lower pH. Water regularly, but do not over water, as the roots are very vulnerable to fungal infection. It's thick bark make is resistant to beetles, but it is very prone to aphids, which are best treated with whale oil. Throughout history, trees have been made in various forms. They all have their differences, except some of them, which are identical. The tree of liberty is so imbued with freedom that it could probably get up out of the soil and go and fetch you a beer from the fridge, but it exercises its freedom by not doing anything for you at all, the
bastard.
 |
ninja sheep
in training |
Anyway, I play guitar, I'm in a band called 180 Proof and we play shows around the place. You probably haven't seen us and you're missing out cos we're awesome and I play all these notes way up high on the tiny strings and the big dude on the drums goes bang boom crash really loud and gast and we sing about things like riding motorbikes and eating mexican food and we need a bass player, are you a bass player?. Pirate Ninja Jesus came to me in a vision and told me that YOU need to listen to our tracks and come check out one of our shows.
I also teach guitar lessons, if you're interested just send me a message.
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