I've been doing stand up comedy for 4 years. You can see some of my sets at rooftopcomedy.com. I used to be an intern at Late Show with David Letterman. My dream job is to take over for him when he retires. I work as an accountant during the day and I always get in some sort of trouble for acting silly. Everytime I get written up the write up always mentions something about needing to act more "Professional." Let's just have a good time is what I say. For every 100 people I make laugh I usually piss someone off and get in trouble. I told one of my co-workers that he could visit his relatives at the zoo. I got written up for that! Come on! When I worked at Enterprise Leasing my manager called me aside and said maybe we're not a good fit. I told him to bend over and I'd show him a good fit. Then there was that time I got caught jerking off in my cube. I didn't read anywhere in the employee handbook that you couldn't do that. Maybe it was in the pages that were stuck together! Just kidding. When I worked part time at Schnucks I put a picture of the Unabomber in the store manager picture slot. It was up there for half the day before anyone noticed.
In addition, I love sports. I play softball and basketball. I like to water ski, snow ski, play frisbee, and tennis.
Music
The Killers, Keane, Neil Diamond, She Wants Revenge, Barry Manilow, Journey, Blink 182, The Beatles, Eric Carman, Asia, Europe, America, Kansas, Missouri, Chicago, Boston, Moby, Enya, Beck, Bread, The Smiths, Stevie Wonder, Jimmy Hendrix, All Motown, Chumbawamba
Movies
Seabisuit, The Ring, Crash, Office Space, Berry Maguire, Bull Durham, Bambi, A Few Good Men, Garden State, Spiderman I, Love Actually, Napoleon Dynamite, The Sound of Music, The Gods Must Be Crazy, Gladitator, The Sixth Sense,Good Will Hunting, Happy Gilmore, Strictly Ballroom, Falling Down, Santa Claus Conquers the Martians, Rudulph the Rednose Reindeer, Shawshank Redemption, Waterworld, Postman, Any movie with Brittany Murphy because I love her, Rocky, Total Recall, Outsiders.
Television
The Office, The Shield, Desperate Housewives, Lost, The Colbert Report, David Letterman, American Idol, Monk, Eight is Enough.
Books
Me Talk Pretty One Day - David Sedaris, The DaVinci Code. I actually haven't read either of those books, but they sound spendid. Actually my sister gave me the Sedaris book and I bought the DaVinci Code, but haven't read them yet. I read the paper everyday and I haven't found a spot in my schedule to read books. I don't read in the bathroom. I don't understand how guys do that. I'm only in there for very short time. Do other guys just sit in there and relax? Any Dean Koontz novel. Random House Webster's Dictionary.
Heroes
David Letterman, Jake Johannsen, Chris Elliot, Norm MacDonald, Steven Wright, and Steven Cobert have all influenced my comedy. Other comics I love include Jim Gaffigan, Brian Regan, Adam Sandler, and Mitch Hedberg.
About me: I like food.
Enjoy short walks on the beach.
MVP of Prison kickball team - Most Valuable Prisoner.
I was conceived in a test tube.
Killed a horse - as predicted by my psychic friends network.
Favorite actor - Speed Racer.
Socially I am open and friendly when I first meet people then after I get to know them I become extremely shy and clam up.
WORDS TO LIVE BY:
You can dance if you want to. You can leave your friends behind because if your friends don't dance and if they don't dance then they're no friends of mine.
Is it just me or is Michael Bolton's version of "Sitting on the Dock of the Bay" far superior to that of Ottis Redding's?
Hobbies:
Bungi jumping from airplanes. I smoke crack recreationally. I'm a social crackhead.
Nickname:
Michael Appleseed.
Dream Job:
It has always been a dream of mine to hang of the back of garbage truck as it drives down a street. A very good friend of mine is actually a garbage collector and when we go out and he drives, out of habit, he stops at the end of everyone's driveway and jumps out of his car frantically looking for trash cans. I'm like, "Jackass, you're off today." That wasn't even funny.
Is it just me or did this country go to hell the day that women got the right to vote? Just kidding.
People like to think that dogs will end up in Heaven. I can't help but wonder who is going to pick up the shit.
My Dad once told me that whenever God closes one door he opens another door - the door to the gun cabinet. I'm not sure what he meant because he blew his head off before I could ask him.
I'm glad we had this conversation.
Remember - Only you can prevent Forrest Witaker
Big Buster is what they call me in the joint, or jail, prison, the slammer, the anal rape factory if you will. Anyways, let me know next time you go out there. later my man
