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There are three types of blues I hate. The first is where an old classic has been updated so that it's now basically a 12-bar rock blues with an indistinct tune. All that's left of the original is the words. This is far too common these days, and I think it's, at best, just lazy, and at worst just plagiaristic and cynical - making easy money out of someone who spent their life in poverty.

The second type of blues is probably even more cynical. This is where an "original" has been written, but is made up of tired old blues cliches that cannot possibly apply to the singer. You know the kind of thing...

• My woman done left she (she hasn't)
• Gotta ride the blinds (trains don't have them any more!)
• I'm so tired, broke and hungry (No you aren't!)
• I've almost lost my mind (Well, I'll give you that one...)

...and so on. There's just no point doing this! Play the originals if you're just going to re-hash bits of them to avoid royalty payments!

So that leaves the third type, where bluesmen write about their actual experiences. Unfortunately, in our comfortable life, we don't really have the kinds of feelings that the old delta blues guys in the 20s and 30s had. We don't live in a violence ridden world of abject poverty where you'd end up blind due to the work you had to do and were then thrown on the scrap heap with no income because you were useless to your employer. That's why these guys learnt to play guitar; not because they liked the sound of an E chord - IT'S BECAUSE THEY WOULDN'T HAVE ANY MONEY TO EAT AND THEY WOULD DIE OTHERWISE!

I'm afraid these type of lyrics just don't cut it for me:

I woke up this morning, my car wouldn't go,
My stock options have halved in value,
And my boss has asked to work mo',

Blues? My arse! (Note: these lyrics are copyright 2003 Steve Wells. Not because I'll use them, but because I don't want anyone else to!)

Better than the previous 2, but, in many cases, I find it just cringe-making. The blues is just not the medium for this kind of "I'm a tiny bit depressed" sentiment.

"So what's left Mister Doo?" I hear you cry, "If we shouldn't play all this stuff (our entire set), what ought we play?". Well, there's always the original songs. You don't have to play them note for note, but I at least get pretty close to playing it as it was originally recorded before adding in any of my own bits. That's the only way to get a feel for what is the "essence" of the song.

With original material, there are at least 3 subject areas that have always been blues subject material, and still are. I'd estimate that about 80% of all blues songs fall into of the 3 following categories:

1. Sex
2. Sex
3. Sex

Hence, Mister Doo's "signature" tune, The Jelly Man. You didn't think it was about puddings, did you? What do you think Snowball is all about? Mister Doo's Christmas single?... Try listening back to some of those original blues songs again, and you'll soon see a whole raft of double-entendres. Take Terrplane Blues by Robert johnson, for instance. Ostensibly about cars, it's really just a set of sexual references. A few sample lines:

You can squeeze my lemon till the juice runs down my leg...
I'm deep down in your engine, keep on tangling with your wires...
When I press down on your starter, your spark plug will give me fire...

Think about it - that last one clearly makes absolutely no sense if you're talking about cars!

Have a listen- you'll be amazed what you find...

Keep it blues. Keep it real. And, of course, take all of this with a pinch of salt - there are great blues songs that break all of the 'rules' stated here, including some of my own stuff! Never take things on face value...

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