Mormon Santa

About me:

I am not Mormon and I have no official affiliation with the LDS Church. My first name is Mormon.

Who is Mormon Santa?

Born John Osiris St. Germain in pre-Atlantean Primordia--now Utah--this dapper demiurge changed his name to Mormon in 2001, the technical millenium, at the time claiming to be the same secret love child of Donny and Marie Osmond that he had himself snidely prophesized only the previous day.

On the next day, he succeeded the Christian Santa as the result of an electoral technicality and ritual beheading, and quickly earned a reputation as a rather belligerent and ecclesiastically inept deity following his institution of thirty-two new commandments, including the wildly unpopular: "No more free home delivery of any free shit!"

Sometime around the winter solstice of 2003, a "5" year (indicating Personal Growth and/or Weight Gain), Mormon Santa's lifeless body was discovered in his shower. The official cause of death was listed as acute lathering. In a note found stapled to his teeth, he granted total absolution for all sins past and future to those with last names beginning in a B, H, L, R, S, U or W. Three days later he was resurrected, but sadly by then existence had lost much of its luster for him.

Mormon Santa speaks all European languages fluently (albeit silently), has an encyclopedic knowledge of the hidden Illuminati symbolism that appears on all the Hollywood celebrities' body tattoos and--for a modest contribution--will channel the drunken karaoke performances of an alien entity known as Moonstarman.

He is perhaps most famous for his amazing skills in alchemy, especially for transmuting derivative religious parody into useless web content and then vanishing immediately in a multicolored flash powder cloud.