If doctors ever tell you that you've "flipped out," don't believe them, and just keep on doing what you were doing, because something tells me "the Man" is behind this.
Male
28 years old
Rotten Monkey House, Alberta
Canada
Johnny Cash greatest Country folk singer of all time.
Me First & The Gimme Gimmes The Kings Of Covers.
Beastie Boys The Kings Of Boggle
Any and all music
Movies
Walk The Line, Orgazmo, Blazing Saddles, My Fellow Americans, Night At The Roxbury, Batman Begins, Road Trip, Dead Man Walking, The Client
Television
Crank Yankers
CSI
TITUS (Why'd they cancel that anyways)
Books
Dragonlance, Fabled Lands, The Client, Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
Calvin & Hobbes (comics count right),
Now reading Dolly Partons Biography
Heroes
Funny Things To Do At A Drive Thru
-Say that you are there to make a delivery, then throw a live chicken through the window and run.
-order a salad and insist on getting french fries instead of lettuce
-repeatedly remind them you want your order made to go
-Ride through on piggy back.
-ask for your order to be circumsised
-make static noises between every 2nd and 3rd syllable
-Try to return a competitors food
-order through a megaphone
-pay any order over $5 in pennies when you hit $4 accidentally drop all the money
-speak very slowly in a foreign accent constantly get confused, when you get to the window speak perfect clear english
When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear. Jack Handey
My Favorite Iraqi T.V. Shows
-Husseinfeld
-Mad About Everything
-Allah McBeal
-Wheel of Fortune and Terror
Battle Goat Gallactica
-Achmed's Creek
-The Price is Right if Saddam Says it's Right
-Children Are Forbidden From Saying Anything Darndest
-The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show
-Everybody Loves Khalid
-Dancing With The Shiites
-Big Brother Bunker
-Buffy the Slayer of American Imperialist Dogs
-Pimp My Bunker
-Bunker Park Boys
-U.S. "Military Secrets" Revealed
-Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers
Who's Jihahd is it Anyway
-Suddenly Sanctions
If there was a big gardening convention, and you got up and gave a speech in favor of fast-motion gardening, I bet you would get booed off the stage. They're just not ready. Jack Handey
Things You Don't Want To Hear During Surgery
-Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
-"Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"
- Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
-Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
-"Ya know, there's big money in kidneys...and this guy's got two of 'em."
- That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!
-Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
-Sterile, schmerile. The floor's clean, right?
-What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change?
-What do you mean "You want a divorce!"
-Fire! Fire! Everyone get out
-Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing
-Oh, look everyone. It's lunch time
-The foot bone's connected to the, leg bone
-Hey, if you pull on this it makes a funny noise
I'm not afraid of insects taking over the world, and you know why? It would take about a billion ants just to aim a gun at me, let alone fire it. And you know what I'm doing while they're aiming it at me? I just sort of slip off to the side, and then suddenly run up and kick the gun out of their hands. Jack Handey
WORK VS JAIL
IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK ... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.
IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.
IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior
AT WORK...you get more work for good behavior
IN PRISON...the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.
IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.
AT WORK...you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.
IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...you can't even speak to your family.
IN PRISON...the taxpayers pay all expenses with no work required.
AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON...you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
IN PRISON...you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK...they are called managers.
The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. But the stupid man will just lay down on some seaweed and roll around until he's completely draped in it. Then he'll stand up and go, "Hey, I'm Vine Man."
STILL MORE LAME JOKES
A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The busdriver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.
The man sympathized and said "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."
"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."
"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over to him and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."
The boy leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."
A farmer and his brand new bride were riding home from the chapel in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbled. The farmer said, "That's once."
A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again. The farmer said, "That's twice."
After a little, while the poor old horse stumbled again. The farmer didn't say anything, but reached under the seat, pulled out a shotgun and shot the horse.
His brand new bride raised all kind of hell with him, telling him, "That was an awful thing to do."
The farmer said, "That's once."
Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.
"I froze to death," says the second.
"That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"
"It's very uncomfortable at first", says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"
"I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."
The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says.
"What do you mean?" asks the first man.
"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."
On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
The kid says, "Yeah."
The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail light on that bike." The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.
The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
Humouring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."
The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."
A man walks into the sheriff's office... "I want to become a deputy!"
"Good, I want to you to catch this man" says the sheriff handling the man a wanted poster.
The poster reads : 'Last seen wearing a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper pants, and brown paper boots.'
"What's he wanted for?" asked the hopeful yound man.
"Rustling."
An aging man lived alone in Ireland. His only son was in Long Kesh Prison, and he didn't know anyone who would spade up his potato garden.
The old man wrote to his son about it, and received this reply, "For HEAVENS SAKE, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!"
At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, but didn't find any guns.
Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next.
His sons reply was: "Just plant your potatoes."
Donald/ Heavy D's Details
Status:
In a Relationship
Here for:
Friends
Orientation:
Straight
Hometown:
Rotten Monkey House
Body type:
0' 2" / Slim / Slender
Zodiac Sign:
Cancer
Smoke / Drink:
Yes / No
Children:
Proud parent
Occupation:
Oilfield Bitch
Donald/ Heavy D's Companies
Out West Camping & RV Park Rocky Mountain House, Alberta CA Casual Maintenance & PR www.outwestcamping.com
Mar 2006-still going
Donald/ Heavy D dropping science like Galileo dropped an orange Posted at 3:40 AM Dec 5, 2007 view more
I'm Donald a.k.a Heavy D. My friends call me that because I'm so skinny I could be a slim jims shadow at high noon.
I'm 25 and practically married to a beautiful sweet lady who somehow puts up with my off beat shenanigans. I'm also the proud father of a 2 month old boy named Dmitri. I love camping at my familys ATV & pet friendly campground OutWest camping. Check their site www.outwestcamping.com
Who I'd like to meet: Johnny Cash & June Carter, in that great Jam session in the sky, Willie Nelson, Beastie Boys, Dolly Parton, Lea Salonga, Michael Ball, Me First & The Gimme Gimmes, Pablo Fransisco, Pete Dominick, Dane Cook, Cowboy Jack Clement, Susan Sarandon and the guy who created Sirius Sattelite Radio.
The Popes Favorite TV Shows
-Malcolm In The Coffesional
-Boy Meets Clergy
-Virgin Mary Tyler Moore Show
-Platonic Love Boat
-M*A*S*S
-Extreme Vatican Makeover
-Live With Jesus & Kathie Lee
-Welcome Back Father
-Pimp My Popemobile
-Savior By The Bell
-Popemon
-Holy eye For The Sinning Guy
-White Collar Comedy
-CSI Purgatory
-Fresh Prince Of Bethlehem
-Everybody Loves Praying
-Father Knows Best
-Sabrina The Teenage Witch Who Was Burned At The Stake
-Dude Where's My Bible
-Charlies Angels
-Dancing With The Bishops
-Nuns Gone Wild
-FRIENDS: Of The Lord
-Pope & Faith
-Pope John Pauls Playhouse
-3 Wise Men & A Baby
-Peter Pope off
-Worlds Most Dangerous Popemobile Chases
-Nuns Gone Wild
Hey look at this
MORE LAME CRAP
The ironic thing about a gambling addiction is its the only disease where you can win a bunch of money.
What do you do with a dog that has no legs?
Take him out for a drag.
Two peanuts were walking down a spooky road at night... One was assaulted.
"Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud."
"Yes sir, it's fresh ground."
Knock Knock
Whos there
President Clinton
President Clinton who?
What, you don't know me?
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
Why are proctologists so gloomy?
They always have the end in sight.
Knock Knock
Whos there
Condoleeza Rice
Condoleeza Rice who?
Was President Clinton just here? RU LYAO YET :) What did the apple say to the orange?
Nothing stupid, apples don't talk.
Famous last words of a mafia hitman: "Who put the violin in the violin case?"
How does it change many dyslexics to take a lightbulb?
lol
What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car?
Robin, get in the car.
1What's brown and sounds like a bell? Dung.
What do you call a guy who never farts in public?
A private tutor.
What do you call spending the afternoon with a cranky rabbit?
A bad hare day.
Have you ever seen an elephant hiding behind a flower?
That's because he hides well.
What was the centerpiece of the annual
Anorexia and Bulimnia sufferers convention?
A jumping out of a girl.
Where do kings keep their armies?
In their sleevies.
Why don't anteaters get sick?
Because they're full of anty-bodies.
What's in front of a woman and back of a cow?
The letter W.
Rejected Crayola Colors
Rotting meat grey
bacon grease yellow
gang green
Bruised BlacknPurple
Ear Wax Tan.
road rage red
Bread mould green
Bobby Brown
Richard Simmons Pink
White Power
cherry red with a lilac & magenta tinge
invisible clear
Eating a banana and someone tells you a funny joke and you laugh so hard that the banana come out your nose yellow... with green speckles.
Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number.
I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my dog. Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of his stuff. Dog people sure don't have a sense of humor.
Star Trek episodes which will never happen
1. The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a type that it has
encountered several times before.
2. The Enterprise goes to check up on a remote outpost of scientists, who
are all perfectly fine.
3. The Enterprise comes across a Garden-of-Eden-like planet called Paradise,
where everyone is happy all the time. However, everything is soon revealed
to be exactly as it seems.
4. The crew of the Enterprise discover a totally new lifeform, which later
turns out to be a rather well-known old lifeform, wearing a silly hat.
5. The crew of the Enterprise are struck by a strange alien plague, for
which the cure is found in the well-stocked sick-bay.
6. An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface to
the Enterprise's computer, only to find out that it has forgotten to
bring the right leads.
7. A power surge on the Bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed as a
faulty capacitor by the highly-trained and competent engineering staff.
8. A power surge on the Bridge fails to electrocute the user of a computer
panel, due to a highly sophisticated 24th century surge protection
feature called a 'fuse'.
9. The Enterprise ferries an alien VIP from one place to another without
serious incident.
10. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly superior alien intelligence which
does not put them on trial.
I wonder if the polite thing to do is always the right thing to do. When I met the family from Japan, they all bowed. I pretended like I was going to bow, but then I just kept going and flipped over on my back. I did this five times. I think they got the point.
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