The show "Red Eye" on the fox news channel. Its Satan's infommercial. Absolute poetry. The gay guy is shifty-eyed and the host is the troll from "Legend". The time on their ticker is mountain standard.
Well actually, I have heard of this before, depends on how fucking naughty you really were. Below is an excerpt of what Santa does to bad folks in Holland:
"Saint Nicholas travels with what was consistently described as "six to eight black men." I asked several Dutch people to narrow it down, but none of them could give me an exact number. It was always "six to eight," which seems strange, seeing as they've had hundreds of years to get a decent count.
The six to eight black men were characterized as personal slaves until the mid-fifties, when the political climate changed and it was decided that instead of being slaves they were just good friends. I think history has proven that something usually comes between slavery and friendship, a period of time marked not by cookies and quiet times beside the fire but by bloodshed and mutual hostility. They have such violence in Holland, but rather than duking it out among themselves, Santa and his former slaves decided to take it out on the public. In the early years, if a child was naughty, Saint Nicholas and the six to eight black men would beat him with what Oscar described as "the small branch of a tree."
"A switch?"
"Yes," he said. "That's it. They'd kick him and beat him with a switch. Then, if the youngster was really bad, they'd put him in a sack and take him back to his home."
"Saint Nicholas would kick you?"
"Well, not anymore," Oscar said. "Now he just pretends to kick you."
"And the six to eight black men?"
"Them, too."
-From David Sedaris' "Six to Eight Black Men"
If you can find the archive to listen to it, it's worth the pants pissing...XO
