dirty.pretty.thing's Blog

Current mood:peaceful

so last year was my very first full calendar year i lived without my father.

beginning to end.

and on top of the everyday struggle of dealing with his absence, the year had many more downfalls. many more upsets. the thing is...i wasnt even that upset.

everything i worked for was lost.

i was beaten...more than once. ha.

i was mugged.

i was taken advantage of.

i was lied to in serious ways.

thousands of hard earned dollars in material items- gone.

close, strong, seemingly inseparable bonds to people in my life- broken. ...everything. all of it.

i was stripped of everything that i thought mattered. ...so that i would realize it didnt. none of it.

its been one loooong string of horribly negative events starting with my fathers death. and i used to think that my world ended because he died. but that wasnt it. thats not what was happening.

his death played as somewhat of a distraction. ..a preparation of who i was to become. i know that now. i see that now.

at what i thought was the height and prime of my success, my happiness, my thriving life...God pulled out my out world by its roots. ..by my father. He took the hardest hit that He could take at me.

so hard that i almost didnt notice the rest. ...everything thats happened since. like it was nothing.

it just seemed so easy. SO easy to let go...so easy to move on. with each new trying event, it just became so easy for me to get up and get going. shrug my shoulders, keep on walking. ...that easy.

roots were pulled...i went into shock...and all that He had left to do was shake off the dirt. ...like nothing.

'you have nothing. child.

...nothing.

but you have everything you need.'

i was stripped of all my worldly posessions and broken of all my worldly ties so that i could see there is absolutely nothing of this world that i need. ...nothing.

its a beautiful feeling to know that. to really know that.

there are many many many things that i have learned and been told of recently. almost all at once. and of a nature that was no longer my own. from a voice that i shut out, but could not mistake.

i dont know why. i really dont. ....but why isnt something im going to concern myself with. not until im supposed to.

::sigh::

and now i know too much. heh.

i know toooo much to be distracted with those things anymore. those people.

i know too much about this life. too much about people. too much to continue any bullshit relationships. too much to waste any more time or energy fighting what i cant fight. denying what i cant deny.

i know too much about God and his plans to allow myself to be steered away from that.

i havent felt what im feeling right now in a very long time. its still very new. ...very delicate. and i have no intentions of letting it shatter. i want to nourish it. i want it to grow.

im ready for it.

i remember

how much my father and i used to clash

when i lived under his roof.

we forever fought on EVERYTHING.

we were both stubborn, controlling, taurus-born, must-win fighters.

well....i still am. so, yeah. lots of yelling.

now...my father was a tough man. in EVERY sense

of the word. he was strong, he hid his emotions, and he most

definitely NEVER cried. at least not in front of people.

and in all the time i lived with him...i cant recall a single

time that he told me he loved me. not one.

and i didnt tell HIM. we didnt hug. ever.

that really affected me. i mean, i KNEW he loved me.

of course he did. i seen it in everything he did for me.

and he did a LOT. he worked HARD to give me the

absolute BEST he could. i seen his love in ALL of that.

but...it wasnt enough. i needed to FEEL it.

i didnt FEEL loved. and i couldnt GIVE love.

for that,  and many other conflicts and

complications happening at that time...

i left.

i moved away.

of ALL the people in his world (including my other siblings),

i was the only one that had ever stayed.

i was the only one that was ever there.

taking care of him, taking care of the house, defending him

when people (including my other siblings) would attack him.

...and i left.

i didnt realize at the time how much THAT would affect HIM.

about a year after i moved, he made a trip down here to see me.

i was SO excited. sooooo excited. i missed him. terribly.

i remember hearing his voice when i walked in

and i RAN around the corner into the family room...

just DYING to see him. DYING to hug him. dying to LOVE him.

 when he seen me...the very second he seen me...

he broke down in tears. just...cried.

hard, pain-filled tears.

i didnt know how react. it was so strange to me to

see my father cry. and so easily, so suddenly.

he was sitting down and i was standing in front of him.

he had his arms wrapped tight around my waist and his

his head was buried in my side. and he was crying.

i just stayed quiet.

he said he missed me. he said he even missed

me yelling at him. ha.

at first it was funny...but when it registered....

when i REALLY listened to HIM...and not his WORDS...

i felt it. i felt his love for me. right then.

every day that i went feeling unloved....i felt it. right there.

i just remember thinking.....wow...you know? ....wow.

this is love.

the good...the bad...the ugly.

WANTING to be there for ALL of it.

wanting to go through EVERYTHING together....

and come out of it...together....thats love.

everyone wants to be around for the good times...

but the bad? who wants THAT with you?

...the ones who love you. THEY do.

THEY want to be there. THEY want to help you.

THEY want to get you through...all the way through...

knowing THEY may not come out themselves. thats love.

when i was a little girl...

whenever my dad would go anywhere...

he would ask us...do you want to go?

heaven forbid we asked WHERE.

he said that wasnt a question to ask.

he said...you WANT to ride...or you DONT.

...youre IN or youre OUT.

its that simple.

and im starting to believe thats all love is...

you want to ride, or you dont. youre in, or youre out.

no room for questions.

questions come from an unsure place.

if you cant answer yes or no without asking questions...

youre not sure.

i dont doubt my love. and i dont like it questioned.

if you NEED to question it...

youre just not ready for it.

let me know when you want to ride.

<3