so last year was my very first full calendar year i lived without my father.
beginning to end.
and on top of the everyday struggle of dealing with his absence, the year had many more downfalls. many more upsets. the thing is...i wasnt even that upset.
everything i worked for was lost.
i was beaten...more than once. ha.
i was mugged.
i was taken advantage of.
i was lied to in serious ways.
thousands of hard earned dollars in material items- gone.
close, strong, seemingly inseparable bonds to people in my life- broken. ...everything. all of it.
i was stripped of everything that i thought mattered. ...so that i would realize it didnt. none of it.
its been one loooong string of horribly negative events starting with my fathers death. and i used to think that my world ended because he died. but that wasnt it. thats not what was happening.
his death played as somewhat of a distraction. ..a preparation of who i was to become. i know that now. i see that now.
at what i thought was the height and prime of my success, my happiness, my thriving life...God pulled out my out world by its roots. ..by my father. He took the hardest hit that He could take at me.
so hard that i almost didnt notice the rest. ...everything thats happened since. like it was nothing.
it just seemed so easy. SO easy to let go...so easy to move on. with each new trying event, it just became so easy for me to get up and get going. shrug my shoulders, keep on walking. ...that easy.
roots were pulled...i went into shock...and all that He had left to do was shake off the dirt. ...like nothing.
'you have nothing. child.
but you have everything you need.'
i was stripped of all my worldly posessions and broken of all my worldly ties so that i could see there is absolutely nothing of this world that i need. ...nothing.
its a beautiful feeling to know that. to really know that.
there are many many many things that i have learned and been told of recently. almost all at once. and of a nature that was no longer my own. from a voice that i shut out, but could not mistake.
i dont know why. i really dont. ....but why isnt something im going to concern myself with. not until im supposed to.
and now i know too much. heh.
i know toooo much to be distracted with those things anymore. those people.
i know too much about this life. too much about people. too much to continue any bullshit relationships. too much to waste any more time or energy fighting what i cant fight. denying what i cant deny.
i know too much about God and his plans to allow myself to be steered away from that.
i havent felt what im feeling right now in a very long time. its still very new. ...very delicate. and i have no intentions of letting it shatter. i want to nourish it. i want it to grow.
im ready for it.