For casual myspace browsers, blog virgins, and general internet novices, I am here today to demonstrate for you the requisite "I'm so bored" blog entry. You write it at work after a) checking every single e-mail account you've created in the 12 years since Hotmail made it free, b) organizing your rubber bands and paper clips by size and color, then throwing away the colored ones because they're gay (which White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen would remind us means: "pretty and super-cool, but I still hate Jay Mariotti" in his native Venezuela), c) asking around to verify whether or not management can really tell if you visit pornographic websites at work and, most importantly, d) realizing that Sudoku is, in fact, meant for fat fucks on the Q train with too much time on their hands and a propensity for solving asinine "logic puzzles."
Alright, alright; I'm just bitter pony 'cos I tried to do the Sudoku in pen, and a box with two 7's fucked me in the end. And I think even Jay Mariotti would agree that getting fucked in the end is pretty darn gay.
Oh, that reminds me, another important attribute of the "I'm so bored" blog is that you can be as vulgar, inappropriate, think-you're-funny (but you aren't really), snobby, and insular as you want. That is because, quite simply, nobody reads other people's blogs. It's true; taking "writing the 'I'm so bored' blog" as option e), there are still several subsequent activities to which you can dedicate the rest of your afternoon. These include: going to the bathroom to take a(nother) nap on the shitter; browsing Google to figure out the difference (if any) between the "Wraparound" and the "Rusty Trombone;" visiting www.rottentomatoes.com because, for the life of you, you can't remember what the critics thought of Rudy (then ignoring their snooty criticisms because nothing can negate the "just something you got in your eye" when they put that little Hobbit into the big game); checking all of your e-mail accounts again because maybe somebody wrote you (they didn't) in the last ten minutes. Ultimately, "reading other people's blogs" falls somewhere around option x) (just ahead of "knocking self unconscious via blow from blunt edge of cubicle" and "actually doing work"). Your only audience is yourself, and so long as you are entertained, the "I'm so bored" blog has served its purpose.
Finally, it is imperative to fill your entry with a careful balance of casual office observations, like: "Oh my God, Suzy sits in the cubicle next to me, and she keeps calling people on the phone to talk about her 'pap smear gone awry' with all of her friends, and she's 70 so that's, like, so gross" and philosophical ponderings like: "I don't know, maybe I need a new job, I just don't know. I mean, where am I going here? Y'know? Like, what are we all here for in the first place? Is there a God?" and good, deep shit like that.
So those are pretty much the essentials of blogging when you are bored at work. And because I have nothing else to add on the subject, here's a picture of a giant bunny. Thank you for teaching me how to smile again, giant bunny.