NIMROD AT NIGHT - THE E.H. JOES INTERVIEW
As transcribed by Bill Wright and Davis Dewsberry
Nimrod got to talk with some "Real Canadian Heroes" and genuine webcomic stars, the E.H. Joes.
NIMROD: We're here with Flag, Man-O-War, and the Colonel from E.H. Joes, real Canadian heroes. It's so cool to have you guys on my show! Can I get you anything?
FLAG: It's our pleasure and honor to be the first group to appear on "Nimrod At Night." And no thank you Mr. Fox, the coffee you provided is just fine.
NIMROD: Yes, Manowar?
MANOWAR: Yeah well, I was kinda wondering what happened to the requests I had made on the Appearance-Rider that I provided your producer with.
FLAG: Your what?!
MANOWAR: My Appearance-Rider. It's a legal document with a list of some, "choice provisions", I require when I make an appearance on a show, a book signing or any charity events; like the one we did for the fat kids that can't stop eating like pigs.
COLONEL: (Puts head in hands) Aw, Jeezum Crow! Here we go.
FLAG: First off, like I told you, that is a REAL DISEASE and it's called Prader-Willi. You can't call it.... what you just did. It's incredibly insensitive! It's a real problem.
MANOWAR: No. Do you want to know what a REAL PROBLEM is? After the charity event, I took three of those whiny little heifers to McDonald's and they closed the joint! McDonald's literaly ran out of hamburgers. They had to close the place at 1:15 in the afternoon. And come to think of it, I think one of those, 'bottomless holes', stole my McShake!
FLAG: You really disgust me sometimes, you know? Anyways, what was on this appearance-rider, or should I even ask?
NIMROD: Yeah... about that. He kind of got me on short notice so I wasn't able to get everything on the list. Well, I think I still have a copy. Let's see here...
He likes a greenroom filled with Hooters waitresses, 3 boxes of Magnum-Sized Trojan Condoms, a private washroom with a sturdy sink-counter , a keg of Stella Beer with a table of clean pint-glasses and a bowl of red Smarties. He also asks, in the interview, to refrain from mentioning his brief love-affairs with Angelina Jolie, Megan Fox, Scarlett Johansson, Halle Berry, Jessica Biel, Eva Mendes, Salma Hayek, and Milla Jovovich...
FLAG: Okay! Okay! We get the point.
COLONEL: Why don't we just move on with the interrogation?
NIMROD: Whoa! Hey! No interrogation here, Colonel. Just a few friendly questions. Oh! And how's this? We've got my girlfriend Roxy coming out here, right now, in her midriff revealing Caligula's Pizza Girl outfit with some ice cold brews and a bowl of Smarties for you guys.
FLAG: Molson Canadian? Nice touch Nimrod!
ROXY: (Serving beers) Here you go, boys.
COLONEL: (To Roxy) Thank you very much, sweetheart.
MANOWAR: (Looking at Roxy) Hubba Hubba! Now that's a sidekick!!! I bet Ed McMahon is rolling over in his grave!
NIMROD: Um... I believe Ed McMahon is still alive, Manowar.
MANOWAR: Really? Well, he shouldn't be.
NIMROD: Yeah... well... okay. So, tell me guys, how does one go about becoming a "Real Canadian Hero"?
COLONEL: It's really all about respect, son. Respect for your freedoms. Respect for your common man. Respect for your heritage. And most of all, Respect for the beautiful country that gives you all of these things, every day.
FLAG: It really IS about all those things, Nimrod. But it also helps if you're a Toronto Maple Leafs Fan! Hahaha!
NIMROD: Probably not much in this year's playoff season. HAHAHA!!! Mano, can you describe a normal crime-fighting day for you guys?
MANOWAR: Well, being a hero is a profession of extreme discipline. For example, I have to be up at the crack of noon every day now. If I were to get up at 5pm like I used to, and add the hour-and-a-half of morning sex to my 2-hour grooming session, I'd be doing all my do-gooding at night time. And then, when does a guy get to pick-up chicks at the clubs? There's just no time. I'm a superhero Nimrod but NOBODY'S THAT good.
NIMROD: Uh, that didn't quite answer my question but, thank you Mano. Flag, I gotta ask ya, how do you keep people from, excuse the expression, seeing your junk when you fly around in just a flag around your waist?
FLAG: Well Nimrod, there's a special secret answer to that, that I've never shared until now. In my powered state I project a magic-like aura that, not only protects my civilian alter ego but also obscures any awkward view... up my flag.
NIMROD: Wow! There you have it folks! The real answer to the team's biggest question!
FLAG: Actually, Nimrod. I just made that up. "Flag Junior", is making unintentional appearances left and right, from under this thing. It's really an art trying to keep things covered.
NIMROD: So Manowar, may I ask about your endless string of celebrity love affairs?
MANOWAR: (Concentrating on his Blackberry) Well Nimrod, I try to keep that info pretty close to the vest. Like right now, I'm secretly texting Gisele on how she can sneak away from her husband... you know, the quarterback?
NIMROD: Tom Brady?
MANOWAR: That's it! Sneak away from Tom Brady, with out him knowing so we can play a little, "Bump And Run", and maybe some, "Backfield Bombing".
NIMROD: You know, this is being broadcasted live. He probably knows now!
MANOWAR: Big Deal. He may be the Star Quarterback, but I'm the whole friggin' franchise! As a matter of fact, I recently bought the New England Patriots and just decided that Mr. Brady will be traded to Iceland.
NIMROD: But, Iceland doesn't have a team in the NFL.
MANOWAR: (Making call on his Blackberry) Jerry, tell the NFL that we're starting-up a team in Iceland. Yeah. Yeah, the Iceland Niceknowinya's.
NIMROD: Colonel, just look at you. You're a body-regenerating, body-hopping zombie superhero. How DO you do it?
COLONEL: That's top secret classified information, soldier. If I told you I'd have to kill you.
NIMROD: Ooooo-kay! Let's ask your teammates what it's like working with a hero that can swap in and out of bodies. Flag? Mano?
FLAG: Well, the Colonel is a real ace up our sleeve, Nimrod. Imagine having the ability to blend into any crowd at any time? The Colonel can look and sound like anyone he wants to be just by slipping into their dead body and regenerating himself. It's an incredible advantage for us.
MANOWAR: Unfortunately, half of my fortune is being spent on Lysol. The dude can seriously stink-up a base before regenerating some of those rotten corpses he wears.
NIMROD: So who really runs the show at E.H. Joes? I hear your orders come down from a writer in Canada and a cartoonist in New York. Any truth to that?
FLAG: Our job is our job. No one really dictates what we do, except maybe the Colonel. But if trouble appears, we act. Sure, we have a couple of advisers in the two Dave's (Davis Dewsbury - Writer & David Wolfe - Artist) but, they're really just there to facilitate us. Our destiny is an entity of it's own.
NIMROD: What's the deal with Man-O-War's magic hammer? Is that some sort of Viking thing?
MANOWAR: Dude, this is an ancient Norse Battle Axe. There is no hand-to-hand weapon in history that causes as much utter devastation upon its enemy or is more manly.
NIMROD: Fair enough. What's the most evil force you Canadian heroes face?
COLONEL: Right now, the world is changing. Our country is plagued with a newly emerging corporation that has sunk it's fangs into the arteries of Canada. Richard Manchild and his C.O.K.C.S. (Central Operation of Key Canadian Security) corporation has recently been granted a military/security contract to protect our great nation and I can tell you, this villain has an agenda and we're going to prevent it!
NIMROD: Are you saying that you are willing to break your country's law to protect it from these diabolical fiends?
COLONEL: I can tell you that I've had dealings with this man before and he is NOT to be trusted.
MANOWAR: Plus, who names their company that? Seriously? And his name is Richard? In short form, Dick? So, DICK is the HEAD of COKCS? That's wrong on so many levels!
NIMROD: Well gentlemen, it's been a blast having you here on the show! Now that we know all your vital Canadian National Security secrets, thanks for sharing.
FLAG/MANOWAR/COLONEL: And knowing is half the battle!!
REPORT TO E.H. JOES OFFICIAL WEBSITE
All Canadian Superhero guests of Nimrod At Night receive Molson beer and Smarties... served by a fox. Thanks, Roxy. (SEE MORE OF ROXY'S CALIGULA'S PIZZA ACTIVITIES IN YESTERDAY'S BLOG "EARLY ROXY FOX -ROXY DELIVERS (WHO WANTS PIZZA?)"
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