My Beloved Husband is such a blessing that I dont even have the proper words to express how much he really means to me. The Lord sent him to me and I am forever thankful for this gift of love. When the LORD blesses us HE gives us HIS best and my beloved husband is the best in my eyes and in my heart. For truly my soul has found my its other half!
My God Mother aka Mama Dee is truly a GOD send, I am just honored to be given such love in my life because to be honest I don't deserve it. Thank you Lord for my Beloved GOD Mother and Friend!
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My Beautiful Little Friend whom I claim as a Sister is a remarkable woman. She has a heart for GOD and her life reflects that. She has now been able to complete a goal in her life for she graduates from college this Spring. I am ever so proud of her for this. She is a full time mom and wife as well...I really look up to her in so many ways. Thank you Lord for placing my beautiful little friend back in my life after so many years.
My life hasn't been easy, I have had to face many obstacles and I have struggled with many things. I am not perfect actually I am the furtherest thing from perfect. It has been a long hard road for me to say the least. I live with and deal with Bipolar 1 Disorder every day of my life. It is not something I volunteered for and I dont have it because I lack belief or faith in GOD. But it is the cross I bare in this life or should I say the thorn in my flesh at times.
My childhood was hard at times my family and I moved around alot. I know what poverty is like, I know what it means to be so hungry but there is no food in the pantry or fridge, I know what it feels to be so alone and so scared, I know what its like to look at the end of a barrel of a gun and wish my life would end. I know whats it like to suffer at the hands of others, I know how it feels just to want to be accepted and love for who I am yet it seems there is no love.
In my life I have tried nearly every avenue to get rid of my inner pain. I have tried to kill myself several times. I have tried substance abuse from alcohol to drugs. I know what its like to feel so ashamed and so guilty. I know what its like to be so lost so tired...
I know what it is like to suffer at my own hands, I have done several forms of self abuse in my life. From cutting to other methods.
This is who I was but who I am now is nothing like this. No I am not above anyone neither am I less than anyone. For I have found a love the only love that saves such a wretched sinner as I. The Love I speak of is the Love of Jesus.
Before the LORD changed my life I was angry with HIM, i thought HE hated me, I thought i was HIS whipping child. I didn't understand HIM and though I knew about HIM for I had been to church all my life(matter of fact I am preachers kid)I have read the bible since I was very small, but I still didnt know HIM on a personal level. I just felt that He wasnt for me that I was already forsaken and condemned.
But in January 2007 I came to the end of myself. After admitting myself into a mental hospital in Memphis Tennessee I realized that there was nothing the doctors or nurses or my loved ones could do for me. I felt hopeless and rejected and betrayed and lonely and ever so fearful. The first and only night at this hospital I laid on that hard small bed and cried from the core of my being and begged GOD to open the doors for me. At that point I felt my life was coming to an end. My mind was full of panic, paranioa, it was as though I was in the pit of hell itself. The next day I got out and four months later I started planning my own funeral. I had come to the last straw in my own life and I was fed up and tired and so broken that all I could think was to end my pain and get out of my loved ones way for I felt as though I was nothing but a burden.
But the LORD had bigger and better plans for me. He intervened through a dear friend of mine. For eight days in May of '07 I felt the biggest pull in my soul. It was as though on one hand I was being rescued and on the other hand I felt as though I was being pulled into. But the LORD didnt give up on May 16, 2007 I found myself on my living room floor sincerely asking the Lord into my life. I wanted to live I wanted to love I wanted freedom I wanted the victorious life that only JESUS can offer.
I have come many miles from those days (though it has been only a little over a year ago) I have found healing for my heart and my soul in JESUS. I am not a broken person like I was but I am a whole person. My past doesnt haunt me like it us to and I have found that I am not worthless none of us are worthless for we all have value in JESUS. I now have purpose and a hope. Yes I still face days where I struggle but that is part of the human experience yet even as I struggle I know the LORD is there for HE never forsakes us.
GOD loves us very much ... He sent HIS own Son to die for us to take our place and to give us hope. Though we may suffer it isnt to destroy us. Without a battle how would we know what victory is and without suffering how would we know what a blessing is .. everything in this life serves a purpose nothing happens by chance but for a reason.
As for facing bipolar disorder I look at it this way, Its not a curse it is something I do have to deal with and it doesnt have to control me. I have learned that I have a choice no matter what I am experiencing mentally. The Lord has showed me great mercy and love in my life and one way He has showed me that is giving me the strength to keep going when my mind wants to give up. And though my mind can be filled with much noise I can still choose to listen to it or ignore it and let my heart be my guide. I am not saying it is easy but it can be done. And I am not saying I succeed everyday but it is not how many times we fall but how many times we get up that counts. So that is what the LORD has done in my life. I went from darkness to light, from death to life, from impossible to possible from hopeless to hope ... that is what JESUS is about...Love, hope, restoration, forgiveness, life, truth, the way, joy, peace... To know HIM you know HE is more than a religion actually religion isn't even who HE is at all but HE is the LOVE we all search for.
I hope that if you are seeking that you will see that GOD is for us and not against us that HE loves you more than you will ever be able to measure in this life. You are HIS treasured creation.
Often I hear the phrase "be tolerate or open minded" but the sad thing is the ones who say this are the most intolerable people and to only have an open mind isnt freedom at all it is when we have an open heart that freedom and love and tolerance exist otherwise just an open mind is a closed door..
with all my love
nikki
Love Covers A Multitude of Sin
Matthew 22:37-40
37 Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind.
38 This is the first and great commandment.
39 And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.
40 On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.
Matthew 5:43-45
43 Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbour, and hate thine enemy.
44 But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you;
45 That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust.
1 John 4:20 - If a man say, I love God, and hateth his brother, he is a liar: for he that loveth not his brother whom he hath seen, how can he love God whom he hath not seen?
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This Is Love
1 John 4:10,19
Herein is love, not that we loved God, but that he loved us, and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins. We love him, because he first loved us.
1 John 4:18
There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.
1 Corinthians 13:1-8
1 If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am become sounding brass, or a clanging cymbal.
2 And if I have the gift of prophecy, and know all mysteries and all knowledge; and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.
3 And if I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and if I give my body to be burned, but have not love, it profiteth me nothing.
4 Love suffereth long, and is kind; love envieth not; love vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up,
5 doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not its own, is not provoked, taketh not account of evil;
6 rejoiceth not in unrighteousness, but rejoiceth with the truth;
7 beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.
8 Love never faileth: but whether there be prophecies, they shall be done away; whether there be tongues, they shall cease; whether there be knowledge, it shall be done away.
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Encouragement for the Journey (applying GOD's truth to Everyday Life)
Philippians 3:13
Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before..
Philippians 4:13
I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.
2 Timothy 1:7
For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.
Deuteronomy 31:8
And the LORD, he it is that doth go before thee; he will be with thee, he will not fail thee, neither forsake thee: fear not, neither be dismayed.
2 Corinthians 4:7-11
But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellency of the power may be of God, and not of us.
We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not in despair;
Persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed;
Always bearing about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus, that the life also of Jesus might be made manifest in our body.
For we which live are always delivered unto death for Jesus' sake, that the life also of Jesus might be made manifest in our mortal flesh.
Isaiah 43:2
When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee: when thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be burned; neither shall the flame kindle upon thee.
Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.
My good friend Candice sent me this in a comment to help make me feel better. It brought a huge smile to my face that she would care enough to make me feel better plus send me my name in a flashy beautiful way. Thank you Candice ever so much.
So..I was going to leave you this comment I found about if looking back hurts you and looking forward scares you then look beside you and I'll always be there..but then I saw someone already left you that! I was thinking about you, wondering if you were o.k..so let me know how you are. Praying for you!
