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*Ahem* Hi, my name’s Dan. I’m twenty-one, short-sighted and allergic to sweetcorn. I have two hands, one mouth and no manners. I enjoy that odd, tingling sensation that comes from putting a cotton bud too far into your ear. I can raise one eyebrow (the right one) and would be a vegetarian if only it didn’t involve not eating meat. I’m a fan of good spelling, bad music and buying stationery.

I loathe repetition, blind faith and vegans who buy food that looks and tastes like meat and dairy (if you like it, just eat it). I’m not pierced, inked or addicted to anything unholy; this makes me good ‘take me home to meet your mother’ material. I can't eat much, but for some reason always forget this when making toast. Girls hate me because I never put on weight. I'm irrefutably British in every way conceivable: I raise my little finger when drinking tea, view sunshine as an urban myth and the majority of my humour consists of ridiculing people using unnecessarily long words. I’m known to exclaim such cringe-worthy phrases as ‘golly, gee!’ or ‘oopsydaisies!’, and sometimes invent my own swear words (like ‘nungefugget’). I have absolutely no intention of ever growing up, and my life ambition is to become famous solely so I can go to Madame Tussauds, stand really still, then scare the crap out of someone. I get on well with grandparents, mothers, cats and sisters – while I fear fathers who pat you on the back, address you as ‘Sport’ and assume that, being male, you must like football. Brothers and large dogs have a similar effect on me. I’m incapable of taking a hint and have this terrible habit of speaking the truth, which will probably result in a serious injury one day. I think airport security is a joke and all religions are perfect until people get involved. I can’t understand why there aren’t express lanes on pavements, why they put sick bags in planes but not in taxis or why organ donation isn’t mandatory (you’re dead; you don’t need them). I think political correctness is the most racist thing in the world. I'm one of those ‘gets up in the middle of the night, exclaims “Eureka!”, switches light on, rummages around for pen and paper, scribbles something illegible, goes back to bed for ten minutes, then does the same thing again’ people. My right eyelid twitches when I'm confused. I dislike closed doors and enjoy spying on people from behind sunglasses: I notice smiles, scars and the colour of eyes, but forget clothes, hair and the colour of skin. I still get as excited when it snows as I did when I was five. I think too much and too deeply. It annoys me when people say ‘could care less’ when they mean ‘couldn’t care less’, or 'ONvelope' instead of 'ENvelope'. Unnecessary apostrophes make me cringe and if U TyP LyK DiS I’ll probably shoot you. I liked them before they were famous, and I preferred the book. Speaking of which, if I see someone reading on a bus I have to know what book it is (but upon finding out immediately lose interest). I sometimes wish my imagination had an ‘off’ button. And I have no idea how to end this. It’s nice to meet you.

Richard Dawkins. Raymond Kurzweil. George Carlin. Bill Maher. Bill Hicks. Bill Bailey. Michael McIntyre. Stephen Fry. Noel Fielding. Dave Grohl. Germaine Greer. Josephine Pasternak. Ahmad Batebi. Alexander Litvinenko. Aaron McGruder. People who can communicate. People who make a difference.