Oh Marni!

Обо мне:

There's a lot to me. What kinds of things do you want to know? I'm complicated and messy, far from perfect. But I'm ok with that. I believe it's our imperfections that make us attractive. Perfect people are boring. I have a mean streak, but I also have a conscience and compassion and empathy. I'm very liberal politically. One of my favorite quotes is from the opening scene in a cartoon series: Jesus Christ was a black man; Ronald Reagan was the devil; and the government is lying to you about 9/11. I'm not saying I unequivocally believe all of those statements, but I like the quote, and the cartoon is hilarious. I like Bill Maher, South Park and Heroes as far as TV shows go. But I never follow a TV series all the way through. Well, I have seen every episode of Dead Like Me, but that was cable and they canceled it after two seasons. Me and The Stevenger watch Jesse James is a Dead Man (in hopes that we'll catch his last show) and 1000 Ways to Die. Well...we don't watch 1000 Ways so much anymore now that they've started letting people live. Yeah, I know. 1000 Ways TO DIE!!! If you don't die, you don't get to be on the show. Those are the rules. Get your own fucking show...like Near Misses or I Can't Believe These Dumbasses Lived Through This. Moving on...follow me...follow me. Michael Myers is my favorite movie serial killer. And yes, I've seen all of the Halloween movies. I'm a movie freak. I especially like quotable movies. Some of my all-time favorites are The Big Lebowski, Shaun of the Dead and Better Off Dead. "I'm sorry your mom blew up, Ricky." Python movies are in there with the favorites, too. Two of my new favorites are Behind The Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon and Feast. Sick and twisted...that's where it's at! And of course...This Is Spinal Tap...adore the spontaneously combusting drummer concept. I love Eddie Izzard (Dress To Kill in particular). The proper response to "Cake or death?" would be what? (Well, that's a pretty easy choice even if you haven't seen Eddie's act, isn't it?) I really want a tribal butterfly tattoo (or maybe Kokopelli), but I can't stand the thought of something being on my body FOREVER. (Deep seeded fear of commitment...to tattoos, piercings and men on motorcycles...or men with barbed wire tattoos...a barbed wire tattoo is like a tube top for men.) I have a thing for butterflies and fairies; they're all over my house. (Not live ones.) Halloween is my favorite holiday. I'm a Libra, but I don't know what that means about me. I have a small telescope, and I like to stargaze. I love snow skiing, but I haven't skied since I broke my leg in 2002...rollerblading on Cinco de Mayo. My son is 12, and he's the spittin' image of me...physically, mentally, emotionally...poor kid. He's the best thing I ever did. So what else? I'm spiritual, but not religious. (I think religion is a tool of the devil. However, there are people in churches who might be out hacking up teenagers in the woods if they weren't sitting in the pew. To all of those people: PLEASE go to church. Disregard the tool of the devil comment.) Now...is there anything else you should know before it's too late? I dig karaoke bars and open mic night at comedy clubs. I love Six Flags, movies and music...all at the same time if at all possible. I like cats, but I'm allergic to them. (If you have a cat, I'll need medication. Oh, and I have three dogs who might try to eat your kitty.) I start fights because I like to make up. I'm high maintenance, but I maintain myself. I'm smart, but I do a lot of stupid things. My mind is an obstacle course inside a maze. You could get lost in there. Be careful. If you piss me off when I'm sick, I will lick all the doorknobs in your house and leave little viral pools of plague everywhere...on purpose. I have a scalpel, and I'm not afraid to use it. If you'll let me carve my name in your back, I'll be your best friend. BFs forever, baby! I have an oral fixation and used to play with cigarettes. Nasty habit. I'm giving it up. Now cinnamon sticks are my new mouth toy. Oh...and I bite...hard. I could go on, but I'll stop there. I guess you could say I'm one big, walking contradiction after another. I'm damaged and scary. How brave are you?

I feel the need to answer some common questions:

No, I do not ride a broom to work every day and I do not cook out of a cauldron. (So many people asking this same question...weird.) The broom is strictly for recreational use, and the cauldron is in the sunroom. (I'm using it for a hot tub. No, really. Just climb on in there, big boy. That's it. Huh? Yeah, those are seasoning salts I'm putting in there with you, but just because it's good for your skin.) Ok, seriously, I don't cook. When I try to cook, the fire department comes and people get their stomachs pumped. I've tried to learn. (Been asked to leave two cooking classes and got suspended from junior high for a week when I destroyed an oven...ACCIDENTALLY.) Got a friend who is trying to teach me to cook, but I'm still burning the fried bologna sammiches.

Who said this?

You can kidnap me and force me to be your watchdog if you want to. But I'm telling you, I will bark at any sound I hear and it will drive you crazy.

And this?

Sometimes I wonder if I'm patriotic enough. Yes, I want to kill people, but on both sides.

And let's not leave this one out...

I don't think God put me on this planet to judge others. I think he put me on this planet to gather specimens and take them back to my home planet.

Ok ok...calm the fuck down! One more...

Here's a suggestion for a new animal, if some new ones get created or evolve: something that stings you, then laughs at you.