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American Voices

"Law & Order" Actor Arrested


"Can't say I blame him. That Brookstone in Terminal One can get pretty dicey."


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Horoscopes

Taurus: It's difficult to imagine what life would be like without your family, which is why you'll resort to a series of detailed sketches, diagrams, and plans.

Leo: A wise man once said, "To err is human; to forgive divine." But it's the fact that he charged for the advice that made him shrewd.

Virgo: You'll lose your childlike innocence this Thursday, and, after pleading guilty to a number of charges, your adult-like innocence as well.

Scorpio: Your amusing hospital jig will make all the patients smile, but that's only because they'll realize that dying of cancer isn't the most dehumanizing thing on earth.

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Top Story
Everything Falling Apart

Everything Falling Apart, Reports Institute For Somehow Managing To Hold It All Together

WASHINGTON-Officials from the Institute for Somehow Managing to Hold It All Together warned that, despite their best efforts, everything appears to be falling completely apart and "getting way out of hand," according to a strongly worded report characterized by panic, frustration, and numerous typographical errors that was released to the American public Monday.

"The country today faces a number of pressing issues, including potential economic collapse, the continued threat of global warming, and the decaying national infrastructure," ISMHIAT chairman Kenneth Branowicz said during a press conference to announce the study's findings. "And we just can't keep it together anymore."

"Furthermore, we just found out that my fucking hot water is being turned off," Branowicz added.

The report outlines a number of disturbing trends, such as a steadily weakening dollar, skyrocketing national debt, the car still being in the shop after three whole weeks, a polarized electorate that remains divided across ideological lines, and the fact that the wife is staying at her sister's and for all they know may not ever be coming back.

"In summary, we have no choice but to accept that managing these complex and varied crises may be untenable at this time," the report concludes. "We're in way over our heads here, people. Oh God. God. What are we going to do?"

The institute, a nonpartisan Washington think tank formed in 1933 by President Franklin D. Roosevelt as part of his Depression-era For God's Sake, Somebody Do Something Initiative, has issued similarly dramatic warnings in the past. In 1953, ISMHIAT released the now-historic findings on how they had talked and talked until they were blue in the face but they'd had it with these damn teenagers today. And historians still cite its famous 1968 report, a rambling, semi-coherent study titled "The Hell If We Know," recommending the immediate nationwide throwing up of hands.

This latest warning, however, could be the most alarming and desperate to date.

"Among the new challenges America faces is a deteriorating public education system, a vast healthcare crisis, new and frightening bioethics quandaries related to the privatization of human genetics, and, of course, the whole fossil fuels thing," the 5,000-page study, which was due in November 2007, notes. "While much has been done to alleviate immediate effects, the situation has become OH FOR CHRIST'S SAKE-I just spilled coffee all over my pants-wait, don't type that-damn it, we're out of paper towels AGAIN-Gwen, don't put any of that last part in the report-why are you still typing?"

Some have criticized the report as being alarmist and exaggerated, urging that the nation should just cool out for a minute until the situation can resolve itself.

"While they have certainly generated plenty of attention, these findings represent an unnecessary overreaction, and should be met with restraint and calm," said James H. Walloch of the California Center for Not Worrying About Stuff So Much. "It is my opinion, as an expert in this field, that it's probably not that big a deal."

Walloch's agency is not the only one coming down hard on ISMHIAT. Others have accused the institute of shortsightedness and even gross negligence for failing to keep on top of such issues.

"The current state of world affairs is completely unacceptable," said Dr. Hyram Klemper, codirector of the Sitting Around and Expecting Others to Take Care of Everything Foundation, which has historically had a contentious relationship with ISMHIAT. "We rely on the institute to keep things together, yet, evidently, this bloated bureaucracy is incapable of fulfilling its mandate from the American people. Now I've had to cancel my Hawaiian golf vacation to return to Washington and address this issue."

Dr. Thomas Dyers, of the National Blame Allocation Council, echoed Klemper's statements, stating that if the ISMHIAT cannot handle its responsibilities, its duties should be turned over to another organization, such as the Federal Fall Guy Bureau, under the supervision of Ed Haversham, the national Scapegoat Czar.

Onion Sports
Capitol Building

Nationals Book It After Foul Ball Accidentally Smashes Capitol Rotunda

WASHINGTON, DC-An 8,976-foot foul ball off the bat of Washington third baseman Ryan Zimmerman crashed through the U.S. Capitol Building rotunda Sunday afternoon, prompting both the Nationals and the opposing Pittsburgh Pirates to gasp, turn to each other in shock, and immediately run full speed out of Nationals Park.

"As soon as I hit it, I knew it was headed straight toward Capitol Hill-I just kept saying to myself, 'Not the dome, not the dome, not the dome,'" Zimmerman said. Both teams, all four umpires, and the 32,457 fans in attendance winced in horror, however, as the ball kept carrying, made a loud smashing noise, and left a gaping hole in the rotunda's neoclassical architecture.

"We are so dead," Zimmerman added.

As the teams grabbed the bases and scrambled out of the stadium, the Pirates yelled to the Nationals that they were in "big trouble." The Nationals refuted that claim, screaming that "if [Pirates left-fielder] Jason [Bay] could run at all, he would've tracked down the ball and caught it" before it struck the 200-year-old structure, which stands 1.7 miles from the ballpark.

However, as soon as the teams heard the Capitol Building's front door swing open, they put their differences aside and sped frantically back to their hotel rooms.

"Congress is going to be so mad," said Nationals first baseman Nick Johnson, peering out his window, expecting to see the 535 members of the House and Senate pull into the hotel parking lot. "This was the worst time to do it, too, because they're already in a bad mood, what with the election stuff and the war and the recession, and all."

"Aw, man, we're never gonna get that ball back," Johnson added.

The team, however, has urged outfielder Lastings Milledge to dress up in a suit, sneak into the Capitol Building, retrieve the ball, and make the necessary repairs on the shattered sandstone walls of the dome before anyone notices.

According to eyewitnesses in the Capitol, the ball smashed into the dome at about 3:35 p.m., tore through the Apotheosis Of Washington-a 150-year-old, 4,664-square-foot fresco painted on the inside of the rotunda-and broke the arm off of a National Statuary Hall sculpture of William Jennings Bryan. The ball then bounced into the Senate Chamber, where it interrupted a vote on a $542.5 billion defense authorization bill, and landed directly in the mashed potatoes of early-dining Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY), covering him with gravy and prompting him to exclaim, "Zimmer-maaaaannnn!"

Although McConnell had no evidence at the time that Zimmerman was responsible for the damages, he was the chief suspect, as he is the only National able to hit the ball farther than 300 feet. Furthermore, Zimmerman dented McConnell's 1998 Buick LeSabre last week when he overthrew first base by 15,000 feet on a routine grounder.

"This is unacceptable-Capitol rotundas don't just grow on trees, you know," read a statement drafted by House Speaker Nancy Pelosi following the event. "Not only are these damages going to cost a fortune-a fortune-to repair, but we specifically told the Washington Nationals baseball organization a thousand times before the season started to be extra-careful and to try not to hit the ball to left field."

The statement went on to demand that the Nationals pay for all the damages, which total over $400 million-more than five times the entire team payroll. Because of this, players are expected to either find part-time jobs to cover the cost or work off the expenses by taking positions as congressional aides in the offseason.

The Pirates have promised to chip in $5, claiming that is all they have right now.

"This stinks," said Zimmerman, who attempted to persuade local resident Henry Adelson, a Nationals season-ticket holder and D.C.-area insurance claims adjuster, to take the rap for him and say he was the one who hit the ball. "We shouldn't have to stop playing just because the lousy U.S. Capitol got in the way. And also hitting the Capitol Building should be an automatic home run."

On Tuesday, Congress announced an initiative to move the Nationals franchise from D.C. to Oklahoma City, Portland, or anywhere far enough away that a batted ball or errant throw will not cause significant damage to American landmarks.

However, President Bush has called such actions "unnecessary" and "too harsh," saying that all will be forgiven if the players come down from their hotel rooms, say they're sorry, promise to be more careful, and allow Bush to participate in team batting practice every day from now through the 2016 season.

To The MySpace User

Though The Onion is loathe to allow our diseased readers direct contact with us, we have conceded to author this Inter-net article. Our perceived concern for the common man is purely illusion.

In reality, we have no interest other than as to serve as eyeballs that will hungrily pass over our advertisements. However, we must somehow justify our exorbitant advertising rates, and are therefore encouraging those in the young-ster MySpace demographic to look upon our website.

Please distract yourself from the crushing class-system we promote by visiting our columnists on this time-wasting substitute for socializing, and, most importantly,peruse the electrical version of The Onion so we can continue gouging those who hawk their baubles and offensive t-shirts on our pages.
As always, god-damn the lot of you.

H. Cuthbert Zweibel
Vice-President of Client Relations,
The Onion

The Onion's Friends Comments
Displaying 50 of 1812 comments  (View All | Add Comment)
Richyrd


May 9 2008 5:09 PM

It's amazing how consistantly funny you people are...
Susan


May 9 2008 8:43 PM

The missing persons story is heart-wrenching! PLEASE give us more of these in-depth hard-hitting stories. Network newscasts never have anything worth watching, so I'm glad the Onion is on my friends list.
ART by RLS


May 10 2008 1:08 PM

HI
HOW ARE YOU DOING?
Have a great weekend!!
the original chicklitgurrl


May 10 2008 4:00 PM

you guys rock!
Redline


May 11 2008 4:36 PM

The onion makes me cry, and pee my pants because i'm laughing so damn hard!!!
Memento Mori


May 11 2008 4:43 PM

Why do you always (100% of the time) select the shortest American Voice to display on the main page? It's not always the funniest one even. You should let people vote and that one will be the one that's displayed on the front page.
Melinda [the onion]


May 11 2008 7:00 PM

I love you, Onion.
I miss you, Joe.
Pajama Poet


May 11 2008 7:07 PM

“If A equals success, then the formula is A equals X plus Y and Z, with X being work, Y play, and Z keeping your mouth shut.”-- Albert Einstein

Enjoy the work week - Thom
PASSIONATEone


May 11 2008 7:46 PM

This is where some really kewl graphics would be if you accepted html comments.

In lieu of the kewl graphics, i'll just say...

I'm glad you're my friend and forgive me for not commenting in forever.


hugggs,
~RED~
JENNIFER


May 12 2008 10:17 AM

Thanks for the add, i love this stuff!
sami


May 12 2008 12:43 PM

I hope ur happy u made me fall out of my chair!!!!!!!!!!
A Good Cause


May 12 2008 2:12 PM

Thanks for being our friend!!
Rock On!
~AGC
licentia proeliator(joser)


May 12 2008 2:20 PM

about time haha jk thanx for the add, love you guys
ROUNDTABLE WRESTLING RADIO


Apr 4 2008 7:42 AM

Thank you for the add and all the laughs
Victor


Apr 4 2008 8:32 AM

Hi! Thanks for the add! How are you doing? I hope all is well! Take care and keep in touch!!
Nova


Apr 4 2008 5:35 PM

Thank you for being a friend to our environment and to me
Ninure da "Warrior" Hippie


Apr 7 2008 1:09 PM

What is scary is that you often make more sense than the "real" news!!
Dave


Apr 7 2008 1:51 PM

they're mine (I called it first)
Heh-heh.
~*SEXY LIL MAMA *~


Apr 7 2008 2:10 PM

you rock
www.kissmytax.com


Apr 7 2008 2:29 PM

WHATS COOKING AMERICA...

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THE INGREDIENTS ARE IN THE VOTE!!!
۠۬۬


Apr 7 2008 5:06 PM

hey, im sorry if anyone thought my previous comment was a threat, i was just trying to be "funny" XP. I LOVE THE ONION!!!!!!! IT'S THE FUNNIEST THING EVER!!(well, atleast to me) Im just happy to be back being able to see yo funny ass videos. thanx 4 not deleting me. 8D
elise tenaj♥


Apr 8 2008 10:35 AM

i love you!!
elise tenaj♥


Apr 8 2008 10:36 AM

i love you!!
Nathan


Apr 8 2008 1:53 PM

i love you guys
your hilarious
Craig


Apr 8 2008 8:55 PM

Why did you disable HTML? You guys are lame.....Good luck being the worst fake news since the Nat. Inq.
act of god


Apr 8 2008 9:46 PM

kinda wish there was a grad-school-ruled notebook. i could fit way more in there
~maleah~9xoV*:)


Apr 10 2008 5:51 PM

sanely eccentric...
thO;)
sic crazy@times, eh
~~*hang loose*~~
aloha
maleah9*VXO=)
Myspace Addict


Apr 11 2008 10:24 AM

I am just here to reiterate that yes...Randi...does IN FACT...love you.
Jennifer


Apr 11 2008 11:50 AM

You're always fresh and funny.
I love how you make me smile and laugh.
NODORO.COM


Apr 12 2008 9:45 AM

Onions are known vegetables to promote fowl body odor perspiration, including and not limited to, Male Genital Odors ;)
iLLgraFF


Apr 12 2008 12:44 PM

Love.
Stream Of Consciousness


Apr 13 2008 5:52 PM

You guys are so fantastic.....I'm loving the faux news reports!! Keep them coming.
ART by RLS


Apr 15 2008 3:50 AM

you guys rock
if not for your news,
i would be totally out
of touch with reality
but why do people laugh at me
when I share the news with them?
voraaa.


Apr 15 2008 10:59 AM

touch me
Sonic Forgotten Boy®


Apr 15 2008 12:51 PM

smoove b is god. a god among men.

agodamongmen...
Comedy and Show Prep


Apr 15 2008 3:32 PM

Thanks for the add!
Black Lawrence Press


Apr 15 2008 4:25 PM

Black Lawrence Press loves The Onion
~MMM...I SMELL POSSUM PIE~


Apr 16 2008 6:54 AM

fanx...fo erythang u is da best
FishTank


Apr 17 2008 2:06 AM

I love you guys. Dont ever stop holding up that mirror to America.
ARE OH BEE™


Apr 17 2008 10:22 AM

I'm Here Now...
**DaniErin**


Apr 17 2008 4:01 PM

cant wait to vote
DJ_Funky_Jams2


Apr 17 2008 5:31 PM

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Laura


Apr 20 2008 9:12 AM

this is the FIRST time my horoscope has been totally true!
T.C._Juggalo


Apr 20 2008 3:15 PM

happy 420!
The Amazin Fudd ™


Apr 20 2008 7:23 PM

Hope the day saw your pipe dreams realized:)
Terry "Teep" Phillips


Apr 21 2008 9:40 AM

What the pronk is this item all about?!?
(Wo)Men Speak Out


Apr 21 2008 12:50 PM

thanks for your support. we love the onion!
Randi


Mar 27 2008 10:47 PM

i'm in love with you... just thought you should know
†Ћє ςиџפפЃєЯ


Mar 28 2008 12:31 AM

Don Imus should host the onions morning show..
Paddy O'Brian


Mar 28 2008 12:53 AM

You guys make me NOT want to blow up a Starbucks.

Now thank The Onion Starbucks frequenters. You owe them.
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