Here are a few things that I always tell partner of survivors:
1. Disclosure~is not your (the partner's) business. If, when and how the survivor discloses their abuse is up to them. (this might be especially hard if the abuser was a family member that you or your partner are still in contact with) But control is something that survivors need to have. They lived in a hell for so long where control was far from in their hands.
2. Sex~ while starting and going through the healing process sex will be hard for most survivors. This is another area they need to have control of. They may choose to abstain for a while. Support them in whatever decision they make about this. Some survivors can be healing but still exhibiting unhealthy cycles of their abuse in the bedroom...(if you are sexually active) try and keep them grounded during sex. A talk about the best way to do that should be done outside of the bedroom....(more on this later...)
3. The absolutely most important thing you can do for your partner is take care of yourself. You are not helping them by trying to do everything for them or by trying to remove the triggers they may encounter in any given day. Remember the quickest way to get better is to go through the pain. By removing painful things from their path you are detering their healing.
-remember to breathe(I know this sounds silly...but during stressful times, it is the first thing that people forget to do.
-make sure that you are getting enough sleep and make sure you are eating. Proper eating and sleeping habits will go a long way towards helping you being able to give back to your partner. You can't give away something you don't have to give.
-take time away from the house to get yourself regrounded. Some idea of what to do might be join a book club. Join the gym or simply go for a walk. Talk an art or cooking class that you have always wanted to try.
-it might be a good idea to get in therapy....you might find that issues you might have ignored in the past keep coming up...therapy can help
4. Educate yourself about rape and child sexual abuse. The more you know the better you will be able to support your partner.(look under books and music to find links to helpful websites and books that are specifically for partners of survivors)
5. It is not up to you to punish the abuser. If your partner choses to report the abuse that is their business. I know that you are angry. After all, the abuse doesn't just effect the survivor. It effect you to.....it has probably turned your once "perfect" life upside down. Do something productive with that anger....but by no means should you confront the abuser or even those that neglected to care for your partner. (if you do this....it is possible you will alienate your partner from you)
6. Try not to take things that your partner is doing or saying personally. More often than not you aren't why they are angry, sad, confused or embarrassed. Give them a little space and forgiveness and you will soon find out what was really going on.
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