Eating Chuck Vanden!
Rumors of cannibalism are strongly denied!
We hope you'll enjoy this, our late, (much like Charles), final interview.
-- BEGINNING INTERVIEW --
Lets talk about the "Rivernoid High" comic book.
Dale: Oh, "lets talk about Rivernoid High" he says.
Dave: Whooo. Looks who's the expert all of a sudden!
Dale: So smarty, tell us all about the Rivernoid High comic book.
Well no. I was just asking...
Dave: Let me tell you about Rivernoid wise guy! You know who inspired Rivernoid? Dan Decarlo!
You mean his art style was the...
Dale: No! Dan Decarlo! He looked really pretty in a skirt!
Dave: Yea! I'd always tell him to put on a ....
Dale: A poodle!
Dave: Yea, a poodle skirt. "Put on a poodle skirt, Dan", I'd say, "and then sashay around." That's how he earned collage money that boy!
What does that have to do with...
Dale: So where you going? and write me when you get there!
Dave: I was getting to it Gabby Hayes! So Dale sees Dan sashaying around and gets an idea for a comic.
Dale: "Dancing Dan and Skirt of Poodles!" we we're going to call it.
Dave: We were ready to go. We had everything set with the Poodle Union and everything.
Dale: Then Walt called and put the kibosh on everything.
Dave: Geez! I hope I get a chance to talk once you're done hogging all the air!
I just want to know "Walt" who?
Dave: Walt Disney ya stupid sunofa ... Yeesh!
Dale: He calls, he calls and he says "Boys", he says "Boys, I hear you got a guy in a skirt dancing in your comic book."
Dave: He had spies, ya see.
Dale: He says "Boys, a guy in a skirt is too much like a lesbian." he says, "It won't fly, boys, it won't fly."
Why did Walt Disney care ...
Dave: Walt Disney invented the flying lesbian in 1956! He had a patent!
Dale: They weren't like the lesbians of today with the transistors and all.
Dave: No, no. These were the old fashion steam powered lesbians. Nice girls but they went through a lot of coal.
Dale: Then Dave, this genius here, he says "Lets get rid of the coal and replace it with blond hair." Eh?? You see how that saves in postage?
Dave: And, you getting this? We'll make her an American! Hammy?
Dale: We'll make them *ALL* American! How about that?
Dave: I'll bet you didn't know that before us, before the 1960s, that there were never any Americans in comic books.
Dale: Yep! Before that they were all Chinese from Japan!
Dave: I mean "The Katzenjammer Kids" how Chinese can you get!
Dale: Then we start adding characters.
Dave: The first issue had no characters at all! It was just blond hair and holes where the coal used to be!
Dale: Then we added the "Dale" character.
Dave: He was going to be the King of Rivernoid. He was "King JugDale and his Filthy Grey Crown!"
Dale: But the crown attracted rats! So to the fight the rats we added the character of "Davie Davdrews: Rat Hunter!"
Dave: The bow tie would hypnotize the rats you see.
Dale: We actually put out our own version of rat poison for a while.
Dave: "Rivernoia High Yummy Rat Chews" we called it. Sold like gang busters!
Dale: It was a shame about all those children.
Dave: Yea, kids believe anything you put on a package of rat poison.
Dale: We could dig out a package if some of the readers ask for it.
Dave: Or if you're hungry.
No, no, I'm fine.
Dale: So we have the rat thing going, and then Dave says, "Let's add a girl to the comic book!"
Dave: But not a rat girl! A real girl with blond hair and instead of coal, she could have big bazongas!
Dale: That's how Shay was invented.
But earlier you said...
Dave: She was so popular that we added another Shay, but with black hair!
Dale: Then a red haired Shay that was always catching fire!
Dave: And a Shay that was made out of rock! And she'd say ...
Dale: "Here comes the coal!!!" and she'd kill someone with her fists!
Dave: Yea, they'd all die.
Dale: Life is so fragile.
Dave: Soooo dark. Soooo very dark.
At this point they lapsed into a sullen state, so we decided to end the interview for the day.
-- ENDING INTERVIEW --
I'm Charles Vanden, for "Paranoia High", a division of the Omni-Grasp Corporation.