Robert Fish

About me:

I had a rather fucked up life early on... abuse, loneliness and depression. Somehow I never felt quite connected with my surroundings. To put it mildly I always felt awkward, alone and I lived with a strange sense of desperation.

At the age of 13 I took to the punk scene. The aggression and discontent within the music connected with me. I spent most Sunday's at CBGB's with my fake id in hand and the rest of the weekend attending shows around the NY tri-state area, skateboarding and getting in as much trouble as possible. I took quickly to Straight Edge, Vegetarianism and Gaudiya Vaisnavism.

I recorded my first record at 15 and went on my first tour at 16. Played in several bands (Release, Ressurection, 108 and The Judas Factor) which allowed me to travel around the world extensively and exposed me to many incredible people and places. Over the years I have released over 15 records, played 24 countries and 48 States.

By my early twenties I had grown tired of the self loathing, the sadness, the loneliness and that damn pit in my stomach which had defined my life. Simply put I had never felt any sense of control over my life until I was at the brink of taking it all away. It took putting a gun in my mouth and the sheer power of that moment, where my life was in my hands and I could end it or continue with it, that finally gave me the sense of control with my own life that I always needed.

That experience prompted me to let go of all that had defined me to see what was truly a part of my being and what was there to simply help me exist. I dropped out of sight regarding Vaisnavism and my circle of friends and became a bit of a hermit. Little by little I found what was truly important to me and what was merely an attempt to avoid myself. Drastic changes were imperative to my survival yet some things never did change. As an individual I have always abstaining from alcohol and drugs... I saw the dynamic those vices played in my family and never bothered to enter that world. I know my personality and combining that with drugs wouldn’t be pretty. Gaudiya Vaisnavism, and its esoteric being and the ultimate aspirations it draws one towards, are something that has somehow found a home in my heart. I am grateful for that. In my heart I believe we are who we are and that our spiritual needs, inspirations and capacities will evolve and ebb and flow with time. We should not focus on what we should or shouldn't do rather what we are inspired to do. Did Radha and Krsna do what they "should have done" or were they moved by an overwhelming inspiration and love for one another? Why would we aspire for anything different? I don't claim to have "truth" at my beckon call and to be perfectly honest it doesn't interest me in the least. I certainly don't fit within the strict framework of any institution or theology. I am what I am and who I am and will embrace that which brings me hope and happiness and leave the rest for others to wrestle with and debate over. All in all the changes I experienced were not so much in what was important to me; simply why they were important to me.

Since that time I have started to have emotional breakthroughs such as holding my son in my arms and finally feeling connected to another person. I have become a bit more determined to write my movie and slowly the characters and experiences are becoming three dimensional even if only for small glimpses.

Currently I live in Oakland, California with my amazing fiance Renate, spend time with my two radical sons and continue to create with 108 and other projects. ....