GeneralLong, candle-lit walks on the beach OF A POND; small, purple teddy bears BY PONDS; international gold markets THAT SELL PONDS; Hershey's Kisses BY A POND; cheese blintzes IN PONDS; fresh pastry MADE WITH POND WEEDS; Erkle SWIMMING IN A POND; the element titanium AS DETECTED IN PONDS; bi- (not UNI-) cycling PERFORMED ON A PONTOON CONTRAPTION IN A POND; vanquishing enemies IN POND WARS; nursing grudges AGAINST PONDS; petting kittens and oysters THAT LIVE IN PONDS; smelling smelling salts YOU GET FROM POND SALT; getting the vapors NEAR A POND; having attacks of nerves FROM BEING NERVOUS ABOUT A POND; feeling overwhelmed BY A POND; feeling underwhelmed BY NOT BEING NEAR A POND; braising parsnips WITHIN SIGHT OF A POND; wind-surfing IN PONDS; "surfing the internets" FOR POND-RELATED WEB SITES; "doing the EBays" TO BUY A POND; swallowing my elbow FROM EXCITEMENT ABOUT A POND; going underground TO TUNNEL TO A POND; reemerging above ground once I realize they only serve hippie goulash underground BOILED IN PONDWATER; eating raw potatoes and stewed salad NEAR A FIRE BY A POND; dreading the future OF A DESERT POND; regretting the past BECAUSE OF ITS LACK OF PONDS; skipping right over the present AND ITS ABSENCE OF PONDS. Also vintage hats are nice TO PONDER BY A POND.
MusicThe only kind of music I like is when my past-life psychic regresses me to my prior incarnation as a muddy peasant thief in northern Europe in the 13th century and I wander through the countryside, penniless, starving, filthy, friendless, banished from all villages for my habit of stealing eggs out from under hens... and there are these two guys I come across who play--well, the one guy's instrument is that thing where you blow into a blade of grass, only he's DOING it wrong, and the other is just this burlapped genderless being smacking rocks into the parched earth. That's the only music I like. Oh, and Train. Train blows me away. I love their singer's shirts.
TelevisionThe channels where I'm on in a commercial. THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENS SOMETIMES ESPECIALLY IN PENNSYLVANIA WHERE I PLAY A TALKING CIGARETTE IN LIKE 5 ANTI-SMOKING SPOTS.
BooksI prefer books where you DON'T open them to find the center of all the pages have been cut out to form a secret box compartment that your enemy has hidden a deadly scorpion in, so that when you open your new "gift" and begin reading about how, you know, Martha Stewart learned to make sock-monkeys in the big house OR WHATEVER, the scorpion stings you and you are indirectly murdered (but not THAT indirectly, right?). Also I like books about metaphorical quests for cheese that some f***er MOVED for no reason.
HeroesGenerally, people who walk into propellers for dubious reward. Martin Luther King, Bobby Dylan, Frank Zappa, Andy Kaufman. Beck, the Talking Heads, Andre 3000, Larry David, STEVE MARTIN, WOODY ALLEN (back when he was the world's greatest standup comedian), Steven Wright. A lot of contemporary standups as well.
- Jul 20, 2006 11:23 PM The lifeguards stood up in their pool-side chairs and saluted my ass when I waltzed in.
- Jul 16, 2006 6:47 PM We got humiliated BAD at Kone Buddies.
- Jul 3, 2006 5:28 AM I Totally Got Banished from the Pool!
- Jun 17, 2006 5:37 PM You hulking, galootish criminal ...
- Jun 16, 2006 9:06 PM Me @ the Beach
About me:I consider myself a gentleman farmer. The fates wake me each morning by tickling my feet with their extremeties.
Who I'd like to meet:I'd like to meet meat. Once and for all. At a dead sprint. With a healthy, cold "SMACK" and two minor concussions.
- Status: Married
- Here for: Friends
- Hometown: Springfield, Ohio
- Orientation: Straight
- Height: 6' 0"
- Ethnicity: White / Caucasian
- Religion: Agnostic
- Zodiac Sign: Taurus
- Smoke: No
- Education: Grad / professional school
- Occupation: Comedian
- Income: $250,000 and Higher
1950 to 1991
- Graduated: 1991
- Student status: Alumni
- Degree: Bachelor's Degree
- Major: Trance-Dancing
- Minor: Chasing Hallucinated Butterflies
- Clubs: Did some drama. I was a hippy-dippy, liberal-arts Western major.
- Greek: Alpha Tau Omega