*R-Star*

Do you ever have that fear that you will lose everything? with just a small burst of wind?...I have it all the time...with family, life now, and even him...I dont know probably being parinoid but I dont think so...what am I trying to say?...I have no fucking idea...just stressed out and to much drama around me...sitting in this classroom just waiting for this professor that teachs like a three grade teacher to come in to start class...I cant seem to study which is extremely bad because I have two exams in the next two days...but all I want to do is just sit and think about everything and how to get revenge on my father and the other thing is always about my native...how much I miss him, love him, and how somehow I have come to need him when I have never needed anyone before...its a weird, good, and frustrating feeling specially when I want to talk to him for him to distract me or fix my problems with his voice basically to get me to relax...but I never can talk to him when I want...I hate it so much some times...wow dam I sound like a dam chick...shit what has this guy done to me? lol...dam he has made me weak for him...ugh...lol...next thing you know I am going to be thinking about the white picket fence and kids...lol...yeah no...slow down...keep the mind set...college, biology degree, travel the world...maybe he will actually be here one day so I can put him in my plan...but thats just wishful thinking I guess...wow...so I logged on just to vent get some things off my mind...and it turned into a little love rant...well then...lol...ok?...whatever?...sooooooo...well I think I am good for now?...just have the earge to say one more thing...BABY GET YOUR ASS HOME SAFE AND SOUND ALREADY!...wow fail...ok...now thinking about how no I would never would want him to give up anything for me if he wants to be there I shouldnt ask for him home...lol...I am just saying this now I am pathetic! ok I give up now...did I take up enough of your day just rambling? if you read this far...lol...and sorry! lol

 Nationals last year 1 Meter: 318 and today 1 Meter 380...Shows me that I am a fast learner and I still have a ways to go...NATIONALS 32DAYS!

Got a taste of my past...the power...mmmmm...the power...the strength...its like honey...gives you a rush...makes your mind work quicker...your reactions faster...my father did have one thing right...there is a sense of control, power, strength, and the knowing no one can hurt you because no one can get to you...he does have that down with the way he lives...I had it down to...got a taste of it today...I want it back...not everything just the side effects you get when you are part of the family...its like adrenaline but a different breed of adrenaline...I need something to replace it...gymnastics used to...but cant do that anymore...diving isnt hard enough...I need something else...or I will crave it more...dam...i hate myself for wanting it but when you feel weak that makes you feel so strong even if in reality your not...save me from myself...please...  

 That Awkward Moment when...your walking and listening to music...you all of a sudden break out in complete song...turn the corner and three guys are standing there starring at you...then the silence...lol

A wounded wolf licking the possibly fatal gash hoping that is enough to get rid of the pain and the burning sensation and yet its not...unable to fight the wolf's internal flame...that will to live...flickers still just waiting for its chance to strike at the heart of the thing that caused the wolf's discomfort...

I dont know why but I feel like Im drowning and I cant to figure out how to float.......like a duck on the pond calm on top of the water but kicking a mile a minute beneath it...

 Find me, Save me, Protect me...and Forever be in My Life...

 This is the moment (after practice) where I wish I could come back to the dorm crash on my bed and snuggle back up in his arms...warm up, relax for like 10 or 20mins, and regain my strength...

 A song that gets me every time...I just have to gymnastics and ballet dance to it...slow twirling and everything...its just a song you have to spin to...lol...I'll Be by Edwin McCain...

Ok there is a unclear fine line in the words I say or the way I talk about him...I try to say alittle as possible...why?...well my heart wants to brag and tell the whole world that he is the most amazing and perfect guy I know...but I hold back because I hate saying things that I cant prove and I cant confirm...because I cant talk about what I truly dont know...I mean I know hes strong but I cant speculate because I dont know anymore...I know alot but I hate talking about it and I can feel my mind telling me to shutup because I cant prove this to anyone let alone myself because hes not here...I hate having a scientists mind sometimes...I dont know sometimes I just wish I had proof...and say see...hes the best thing ever...I know I know the way I feel is all the proof I need but I would like to be able to talk about him one day and not be afraid to hold anything back from them or myself because I know that what I am saying is true because I have seen it, heard it, what every other way of knowing for sure............All in Time...