Doctor Minerva von Twatwaffle

If you absolutely have to know something about me:

- Some people think that I'm a bitch. This usually occurs when they do not agree with something I say or write. What it says to me is that you don't "get" me and that's OK. Move on, ignore me, whatever. Don't bother me about it. I'm still going to be able to sleep tonight.

- I consider myself smarter than you. If you think you are smarter than me, you are stupid. I rest my case. I am a stupid-ist; that is, I am prejudiced against stupid people. Unfortunately, most of the world makes up this group.

- If you've known me for any length of time, you know that I often twirl my curly locks between my fingers. Contrary to popular belief, I do this when I'm feeling relaxed and content, not when I am feeling anxious.

- Don't insult my intelligence and don't be extraordinarily stupid. You'll only piss me off.

- The candy I most resemble is an M and M. I have a hard, shiny exterior and a soft, gooey middle.

- The only kind of diet soda that tastes any good (and anything like its regular counterpart) is Diet Dr. Pepper. I drink it by the gallon.

- Please know that I don't care if you are offended by any of my opinions. They are my opinions to have and not yours to judge. I am allowed to express any opinion I would like to express and you are allowed to disagree. If you decide that you want to express your disagreement with me in a public forum, be prepared for a verbal flogging unlike anything you've ever experienced before.

- I have great hair. Nuff said.

- My biggest fear is dying. When I was ten years old, a friend told me that being dead was like sleeping. That scared the ever-lovin shit out of me.

- I hate football, basketball, baseball, hockey and all other organized sports. I don't see the point and I don't find it entertaining.

- I generally dislike most people. Sure, after I get to know you a bit I might find some redeeming qualities about you, but I like myself much more than I like most anybody else, so you've got some stiff competition, if you know what I mean.

- People always miss my softer side, so I don't expect you to see it either. Maybe it's because I don't show it often, but even the people who know me the best can forget that I have it. Rest assured, I feel very deeply and can be extremely compassionate.

I am my own hero. You should see all the shit I have accomplished. If I were any greater, I'd be a deity.

Some interesting things I've noticed that makes me think I might be a divine being:

- I have started a number of musical trends that have lasted a great many years. For example, let's say I discover a song that no one was listening to. I begin listening to it, and the next thing I know, it's like the biggest thing ever.

- Nothing happens unless I am involved. Be it family or friends, every situation becomes better when I'm involved. Until I put my two cents in, people just mill about wondering what to do. I come in, throw a little common sense at them, and bam! Things happen.

- It's never a party unless I am invited. People get together all the time and "hang out." However, when I decide to grace the gathering with my presence, people get excited and it becomes an event.

This is just a sampling of the evidence I have for my unquestionable divinity. I am thoroughly convinced that the world revolves around me. If you're convinced of this too, we'll get along well. If you're scared of me, we'll get along even better - just ask my mom.