I love cinematic adventures! I attend movies regularly and have quite the collection of B rate/bargin bin DVD's. If it never made it to theaters and just simply sucked, I probably own it. I've also been known to watch a romantic comedy or two. I do it simply for educational value, of course I don't "like" that sort of thing...
Oh, and for all you bastards who borrowed movies and never gave them back, Movie Jesus is crying. Just so you know, it's never too late. I don't care if you borrowed it four years ago and we haven't talked in just as long- give it back. Serious. Stop being a douche, Movie God knows who you are.
Television
Attack of the Show!; Comedy Central; Adult Swim; Music Videos; G4; NESN, VH1 Classics
Books
Fargo Rock City; Sex, Drugs, and Coco Puffs; Killing Yourself To Live; Party Girl; A Misfit's Manifesto; Caught Inside; In Search of Captain Zero; I'm a big fan of audio books and podcasts.
I miss love. I miss the physical torture of longing for someone. I miss the piss and vinegar that comes with the reckless loss of inhibitions. Spitting the face of anyone who dare doubt your devotion. I miss the most honest tears I’ve ever cried and the piercing words that caused them. The amount of vim and vigor someone can stir inside of you just by a single glance. Trusting someone enough to become venerable and not even thinking twice about it. I miss saying the words and truly meaning it, with every conviction of my being.
I think I had it once. I don’t know if it was love or not, but I certainly felt everything I just described. It was the most intense experience I’ve ever had in my life. The goods were the best and bads were the worst. It nearly ruined my life. Hell, maybe it did in one way or another… It was a traumatizing experience. When it ended, I thought I ended. It’s been seven years and I don’t think I’m over it. I’ve certainly accepted it and moved on, but I can’t help but think about it from time to time. Feeling that passionately about someone leaves a permanent footprint in your psyche. I’m not saying that’s a bad thing or that I’m damaged goods, but it’s certainly something that will never be forgotten.
I’m concerned if my thoughts and feelings are rational, maybe even normal? Is it okay to think and feel the way I do, even after so many years? I guess I’m getting scared. Time is supposed to cure matters of the heart but here I am still thinking about it. Since my experience with love, I have been with several amazing women. Amazing relationships that, on paper, should have been light years beyond the one I’m speaking of. However, I haven’t felt that earth moving, moon lassoing, raw, unfiltered deepness since being with her.
Don’t get me wrong, each relationship has been special to me. Each has affected me in some way and taught me a great deal about life. Likewise, none of them have been quite on the same level. Maybe it’s because I had never really been hurt before her? I didn’t have any walls, preconceived notions, any reservations. I laid it all out on the line with her, totally oblivious to the consequences. Totally unaware of what true emotional pain was. I am now fully aware and equally as scared of it.
This is what I’m having a hard time figuring out- am I holding myself back because I haven’t found “my” girl or “the one” yet? Like, I will know when it’s right and all of my relationship insecurities, walls, and restraints will become nonexistent when I meet her? Maybe because of my experiences and fear, I’ll never be able to be as fully reckless and unabashed? I will always hold back a little or it will take a lot effort and time to let my guard down? Or, and as scary as this sounds, will no one else ever quite match up? Maybe she was “the one”? Maybe I am the Forest Gump to her Jenny and I have just suppressed it? After all, it has been a long time and I’m still thinking about the relationship.
Seven years later and I don’t know if I truly miss her, or I just miss being madly in love. Either way, I haven’t been able to fill the void since she’s been gone.
Peas and Carrots: Part 2
The absence of love hasn’t left me debilitated. Well, it did for a while but overall it has been a positive experience. It has motivated me. It made me want to become a better person, more mature, and secure. It made me want to become successful, stable, and accomplished. It made me want to have all of my issues sorted out so when I find love again, I’ll be ready for it. Ready for her.
The problem is that I’m not ready, or didn’t think so. Sure, I believe I am a much better person now than I was when I first discovered love. There’s no doubt that I’m much more mature. I am also self-confident now, completely secure with who I am as individual. However, I’m severely lacking the success, stability and accomplished requisites. To my own credit and demise, I’ve removed myself so far from relationships that I have no room in my life for one. I’ve focused so much on becoming successful and accomplished that I’ve forgotten how significant a significant other can be.
There was a point when that lifestlye was proper and founded, it can be a great way to live a period of your life. In order to be successful in a relationship, you have to be comfortable and confident with yourself. As soon as you can truly enjoy life on your own merits, then are you able to fully enjoy it with someone else.
I took it to an extreme though and it wasn’t until a recent epiphany that I realized as important as it is to find your independent self, at some point it’s just as important to rely on others. As simple as that is, it never crossed my mind. I honestly never considered anyone helping me before and certainly not someone I was in love with. I always thought that I would become successful and accomplished all on my own. I would build greatness by myself and then one day share it with the woman I felt worthy. That seems so crazy to me now but before I truly believed there was no other way.
Never once, when I thought about my life and future, did I think about falling in love right now. In my dreams I always “got the girl” later in life. I did even think it was possible to find love in my current state- all potential with no credentials. But what if I did? How amazing would it be to grow and achieve dreams together? Each of us working side by side, just has hard as the other to accomplish both of our goals in life. Two forces who have nothing separately but when combined can achieve greatness together.
I can’t imagine anything more satisfying than helping the one person in the world I love the most achieve their biggest dreams. It must be astounding. It just seems so logical now. Of course I can’t do everything on my own. In all honesty, I wouldn’t want to.
I always thought that I needed to achieve greatness before I could ever be happy with someone. The only way I see it now is that I could never be happy unless I’m achieving great with someone.
Peas and Carrots: Part 3
Peas and carrots, you ask? Yes. You see, peas and carrots can’t be more opposite from one another- yet they compliment each other perfectly. Think about it, you wouldn’t want to eat mashed potatoes and a baked potato in the same sitting, even if you love spuds. They’re essentially the same thing. Yep, peas and carrots.
I’m not looking for my mirror image, I’m not looking at a compatibility rating. I don’t care if our Top Ten lists match, and I am no longer looking for some dream girl I’ve been fanaticizing about my whole life. I’m looking for my counterpoint. I’m looking for my perfect compliment.
The point of this trilogy is not that I want to get back together with my first love, it’s that I am now ready to experience love once again. I’ve come full circle. The first go around was pure dumb luck. I truly was Forest Gump. I didn’t know any better about love and relationships and I leaped. I saw something in her and I took a chance. We had no long friendship where I knew it was safe, I didn’t make a pros and cons list to help me decide, and I didn’t sabotage it because it seemed unlikely. Many years later I’ve finally figured out that there is no recipe for love- just ingredients and the chance that they might go well together.
The first person who saw a long orange stick and a tiny green ball didn’t know what they were getting themselves into, and neither do I. All I can do is hope that my combination is as timeless…
Who I'd like to meet: Celebrity Crushes: Owen Wilson, Luke Wilson, Beck Hansen, David Spade, Adam Brody, Zach Braff, Anthony Kiedis, Axl Rose, Zoltan Teglas, Rivers Cuomo
Girls I'd Like To Meet: Olivia Munn, Rachel Bilson, Elisha Cuthbert, Katherine Towne, Louise Post, Sia Furler, Sophie Barker, Sarah Silverman, Kate Beckinsale, Audrey Hepburn, Kathleen Hanna
People who are successful in the music industry and new media.
Agreed.. I haven't looked at them either so I'm glad we're on the same page. I've been trying to get a logo done.. It's suppose to be the cover of a book... my first logo the cover of a book.. eek!
well if you can't make it .just come for a visit sometime. Carrie would absolutely love to see you. it wouldn't be weird at all... just a good ol time. yeah your phone said it was disconnected. maybe I have some old number
Agreed! and it wasn't a bore. I just knew you had work to do. haha you seemed surprised when I said I was heading out. I hope going through all the pics together was helpful for everyone. :) I enjoyed getting see you all.
And we should def. hang out more. That's if you can take some time away from your animo life ;). Maybe we can even nerd up photoshop together???
for the record: don't go spend a ton on flood lights. you could get some photography light for $100 the bulbs used are a lot dif. then reg house lights.
but if you can some super cheap or they are laying around.. then do it up
hey seanie pants I tried to text and call but...no dice. Well anyways we were all talking the other day about you and how much we miss you and my mother would like for me to ask you if you would like tocome over for thanksgiving dinner. we know you probably have plans and we never do anything that crazy but the offer is on the table. and she says if you don't come you need to make it a point to come out and visit us. Well all miss ya and love ya. so anywho what up dawg!
So....in a flash of brilliance today my friend told me they have access to an old school bus.....haha which will become the halloween horror bus :D......and will transport all of our "less than coherent" asses from downtown to housepartyville....where of course you are SO invited ;)....there are still seats open (probably the most fab part is the 16 year old we are paying to drive ) :P heheheheheh.....e...e....e ;* PS my new costume is EPIC :) I am now excited ;P
Are you patronizing me sir????!!!! ;P Haha you are right though...I mean I'm kinda a big deal...hahahaha...nah I just have lots of stubborn friends who refuse to create a united halloween front, as a result their respective nights will be a little more lame....next year maybe I should throw a party and bring everyone together ;)
Halloween isn't locked down yet....and it is making me crazy...too many options makes me want to rent horror movies and stay in...I have already commited to 3 places! oops! haha and I know the cops will be out like crazy so I have to take it easy (likely;)) and i hate my costume...hahaha..ok ADD rant over...move to town already Punk...that is all
Hon...the words "get to know me" next to a two story penis rock, might get your profile deleted...and the ladies excited ;D hahaha ..I am dragging you to a show Saturday...no excuses ;)
