KLAATU BARADA NECKTIE: Drums, lost drumsticks, Alien Emmisary.
Featuring former members of the following bands: THE PRICKIES, FRIDAY'S ANGELS, RITCHIE WHITES, THE DILDOS, and THE BAD CROWD.
Influences
Saturday morning cartoons(Johnny Quest, Thundar, ThunderCats,ScoobyDoo), Beer(Lonestar,Pabst Blue Ribbon,Dos Equies,Guinness),PEPSI ,Skateboards(Zorlac),80's punk bands and a desire to get off our asses and do what we love....ROCK.
So, one night I'm hanging out at Room 710 (an Austin music venue) waiting to see a co-workers band play. Since I quit drinking and drugging, I was getting a little restless doing the chit-chat thing with a couple of fellow workers. Have you ever been the only sober person surrounded by a bunch of drunks? It can range from amusing to disgusting to down right boring. ,
Anyway.....I decide to walk down the street to another club and bullshit with the soundguy/doorman. 20 steps later I wind up at Headhunters and look to see if Houston is working. Anybody who has met and talked with Houston Ritcheson know what a great guy he is and what an infinite encyclopedia of punk knowledge he has. I walk thru the door and am hit by a sound I havent heard in ages. What the Fuck? Its oldschool punk. The stuff I heard before "hardcore" was all the rage. I felt like it was 1982 again. I look to my right and spot Houston twiddling the knobs on the mixing board. He's smiling and gives me a look that I take to mean " these guys are cool". I cant belive that this is real. I need someone else to verify what I'm hearing and seeing.
Like a shot out of a Colt .45 (the gun not the crappy beer), I'm out the door and running back to 710. I blow past the door dude not caring if he sees the stamp on my hand or not. Rounding the corner, past the restrooms I see the co-workers. They were probably still saying the same shit as before. I grab the beer out of their hands and tell them they "HAVE to come with me NOW". I get confused looks and some choice words for fucking up the drinking in progress. I plead with them " You gotta check out this band,. I promise you it will be worth it.". I literally ( or ILLTERALLY hee, hee) drag them out of the bar and down to Headhunters.
Its a Wenesday night and so no cover, we go right in. What a glorious sight and such wonderfull sounds. Imagine if you will........ White button-up shirts, black pants(the straight legged kind not the fucking baggy shit), black ties(skinny), thin "punk" sunglasses, and get this............RED FEZ hats. The look alone had us giggling like 6 year olds. And these guys could rock it. Between songs, the singer starts this rant about President George W. Bush. You just know the next song is gonna be good. He introduces the next song as " You're not worth a Bullet". Holy shit! Its as if the Ramones were in a street fight with the Secret Service. Every song is killer and smothered in conspiracy theories. This is the most fun I have had sober up this point.
After ILLTERATI's set, the co-workers head back to 710. I stay behind and discuss what just happened with Houston. He tells me its ILLTERATI's first show and how much he likes them. I tell him ILLTERATI is now my new favorite band. For the next couple of weeks, all I can talk about at work is how much I love ILLTERATI. I havent gone this apeshit for a band in a long-ass time.
Fast forward to roughly a month later I see in the local, weekly rag the Austin Chronicle that ILLTERATI is playing again. You know I'm there. This time they DONT have on the usual uniform. You BASTARDS. Fez hats and glasses for sure. But the fucking drummer dont have none of that shit on. What the fuck?! I enjoy the show, none the less.
The next day I do a Google search for ILLTERATI and come up with a MySpace hit. Bingo! I look over the profile and decide to ask to be their friend.(sounds gay, I know) They accept the invitation and I send a message that berates them for not living up to the expectations of their fans. The music is awesome but where is the look for Gods sake. I also mention that the drummer didnt seem to be the same guy. Did I smell a conspiracy? You bet your ass, and I had to figure it out. Of couse the message was in a secret code only a fellow conspiracy buff and/or someone with intimate knowledge of secret societies could understand. And in super double secret code I mentioned that if the current drummer was a mole or imposter, I would gladly dispose of him. Super double secret code was neccesary in case the drummer/mole had infiltrated the MySpace profile.
I get a reply. Its from Maximillian Illiteratous himself. Maximillian is the figurehead of ILLITERATI. He's the one with the leopard fur fez hat and hollowbody guitar. He has been known to sport some stylish black leather pants also. BACK OFF, ladies! Dont get any ideas. Max has also been seen with the Texas Roller Girls. I hear that one of them has allready made him her man. Maximillian had de-coded the message and apologized for not meeting the required dress code at the last show. Promised it would not happen again. He went on to explain that it was possible that aliens had abducted the first drummer and sent a lesser alien in his place.
We agree to a covert meeting at the next show that was to be held at Carousel Lounge. I was to meet Balther Crondike, the fabulous bass player and Head of Security. Forward to mid-October 2005. I stroll into the Carousel and see a boat-load of women in the bar. OH YEAH! I'm gonna get lucky tonight. I settle on a barstool and order a Coca-Cola(remember? I dont drink). I start to check out the "action" but notice something is a little off. The women seem to be kinda friendly with each other. Then someone is talking over the P.A. system. I hear the word "unity". Then "diversity". Its some kind of lesbian rally. The little head perks up but the big head tells him "Down, boy. Nothing here for you.". I'm not getting laid tonight. I look around the room and see Maximillian. We speak for a moment and he introduces Balther.
They have a show to do so I grab a seat. While they "Rock the Casbah", I play "air" drums. The drummer is DEFINATELY an alien. He looks completely out of place. Max and Balther have the uniform on but this guy is in street clothes. So much for the promise. He has got to go.
After the show I buy Balther and Max a beer. Sorry, E.T., none for you. We exchange unlisted and untraceable phone numbers and encrypted email addresses. Soon, very soon ILLITERATI will be resurected . After a brief negotiation, we plan a meeting of the minds in an undisclosed warehouse on the outskirts of town.. This is where the story takes an odd turn.
The night before our meeting I cannot get any quality sleep. Tossing and turning and whatnot. In the morning I'm walking funny. MY ass feels like I shit a basketball. Hmmm... somethings not right.
Later that night, ILLITERATI has the meeting. We go over a few songs and I'm hit with a thought. I didnt shit a basketball. I was probed by an alien. I thought Balther and Max had gotten rid of that motherfucker! It turns out that the fucking alien bastard is none other than Klaatu Barada Necktie! He had intercepted the coded messages and had invaded my body. Maximillian explained that Klaatu had done this twice before and there was nothing he could do. Balther Crondike laughed at me for being raped by an alien. Fucking smartass.
All the sudden, inside my mind, Klaatu tells me a story of how when he was the equivelant of an earth youth he had recieved tranmissions from the USA. He went on the reveal that these transmissions included music by the likes of Agent Orange, Circle Jerks, and the Ramones. I certainly could understand how Klaatu would be attracted to that. Klaatu explained that he wished to play this type of music but could not get the guitar thing to happen. Something about the signals generated by the amplifiers and having a couple of pickup coils near his undistinguishable crotch. Drums were the answer to his rock and roll dreams and I just happened to be the lackey with a body and will to do the same exact thing. Lucky me.
"WAIT ONE MINUTE! ", you must be thinking. "The fucking name of the band is now SHRINER THREAT ?" Yes, dear reader, if you have made it this far into the bio, you now know the dirty secret. The name has been changed to protect the guilty.......
more to come,.......
