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We are a five-piece new-wave power-pop band from Atlanta and Athens, GA. We wish we were not the best that either town has to offer. It could have happened to nicer guys. Or at least guys who liked Music. We can barely tolerate the stuff. It all sounds like noise. Our talent is therefore a blessing to many but a curse to us. If we could set our own agenda, we would stay home. We would do nothing. Think nothing. BE nothing.

We are all about Duty. And Destiny. And Drudgery. We practice every day (excluding Sundays) at 6:00 a.m. sharp. We do more before 8:30 a.m. than most bands do in an entire week. We are not about Pleasure. We are not about Fun. You might enjoy listening to our music. You might not. You might pretend to enjoy it because others whom you respect seem to be enjoying it. It may be that they are pretending, too. In which case you might want to ask yourself what else they might be pretending about. You could even pretend NOT to enjoy us if you like. These are some options. There may be others.

We have three albums out. Our third, The STUD Album: Seduction Strategies for the Twenty-First Century, is loud and skanky. Our fourth, scheduled for release in 2008, is cold and sterile. Our first and second albums defy all adjectives.

We tend to appear. Live. We usually give notice. You could come. If you seem unintelligent, we may ask you to leave. If you speak during the show, we may ask you to leave. If you seem overly enthusiastic, we will definitely ask you to leave.

Sometimes, in the middle of a performance, we grow hungry and pass a sandwich around. The sandwich will not be passed to you. You will not even be told what is in the sandwich.

Sometimes we grow bored onstage and do a little light reading. You will not know what we are reading.

Sometimes during a show we meditate until we achieve a state of Oneness. You will not notice any outward signs of this Oneness, but it is not our fault if you are spiritually underdeveloped.

Sometimes, when we are feeling especially formal, each of us wears two ties. You will feel, perhaps for only a moment, exactly as inadequate as you really are.

We grade our fans every semester. Harshly. There is a penalty for showing up late to shows. There is a penalty for speaking to us after shows. There is a penalty for dancing ungracefully. And for mentally undressing us. And for applauding prematurely. And for using rude words in mixed company. And for drinking to excess.

It may be helpful to re-read Leviticus prior to each performance.

Men must wear a suit and tie. Make sure the belt matches the shoes and that your face is closely shaven (mustaches are optional and must be well-combed). There is a deduction for beards. Women must not expose their knees and in general must take care not to dress too provocatively. We frown on contractions such as "Don't", "Can't" and "Shouldn't", and we abhor the misuse of the words "literally", "hopefully" and "ironic". If English is your second language, it is necessary to use these words properly only when speaking in your native tongue. If English is your first language and you cannot avoid committing major grammatical errors, we suggest either that you avoid language entirely, or, if this is too difficult, that you avoid people entirely.

There are secret bonus points, but they have not been earned and are not likely to be. Otherwise, there are only penalties.

We are almost ashamed to rock so hard. We do not want to rock at all. But this is not our choice to make.