Krank the Clown's Blog

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, except an eight legged black widow the

size of a small dog underneath your bed, thrashing angrily;

The dirty stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that the B&E Christmas Clown would be warded off this year;

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of greed and power plays in high level executive positions at Disney World danced in their heads;

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I jumped from my bed naked to see what was the matter.

Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and fell on my ass.
 
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But this big ass casket strapped to eight meth-deer,

With a fat, stinky old driver, so shifty and keen,
I knew it was the B&E Christmas Clown, all sassy and mean!

More rapid than beagles his meth-deer they came,
And he whistled, and spit, and yelled out their names;

"Now, Smasher! now, Rancid! now, Peanuckle and Poop Head!
On, Commie! on Snaggle Tooth! on, Drizzle and Stupid!
 
So up to the house-top the meth-deer did fly,
With the sleigh full of stolen goods, I thought I might cry!

And then, in a second, I heard on the roof
The grinding and preening of each evil hoof.

As I drew my gun, and was turning around,
Down the chimney the fat man came with a bound.

He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his toe,
his clothes stank of chicken, stained with poo and with blow;

A bundle of kittens he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a pervert all hopped up on crack!

His eyes -- how they twinkled! His face looked real scary!
His cheeks were on fire, from the use of cheap sherry!

He was fat and stinky, a right jolly elf,
 I laughed in pure terror then I shit on myself;

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon threw up red flags and filled me with dread;

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
Filling all his pockets with money and our stockings with dirt;

And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a wink, like a hot air balloon he rose;

He blundered to his sleigh, with his dirty deed done,
And away they all flew with the sound of shots from my gun.

But I heard him exclaim, as he flew out of sight,

"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night."