ODE TO THE
B&E CHRISTMAS CLOWN
by Krank the Evil Clown
'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, except an eight legged black widow the
size of a small dog underneath your bed, thrashing angrily;
The dirty stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that the B&E Christmas Clown would be warded off this year;
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of greed and power plays in high level executive positions at Disney World danced in their heads;
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I jumped from my bed naked to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and fell on my ass.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But this big ass casket strapped to eight meth-deer,
With a fat, stinky old driver, so shifty and keen,
I knew it was the B&E Christmas Clown, all sassy and mean!
More rapid than beagles his meth-deer they came,
And he whistled, and spit, and yelled out their names;
"Now, Smasher! now, Rancid! now, Peanuckle and Poop Head!
On, Commie! on Snaggle Tooth! on, Drizzle and Stupid!
So up to the house-top the meth-deer did fly,
With the sleigh full of stolen goods, I thought I might cry!
And then, in a second, I heard on the roof
The grinding and preening of each evil hoof.
As I drew my gun, and was turning around,
Down the chimney the fat man came with a bound.
He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his toe,
his clothes stank of chicken, stained with poo and with blow;
A bundle of kittens he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a pervert all hopped up on crack!
His eyes -- how they twinkled! His face looked real scary!
His cheeks were on fire, from the use of cheap sherry!
He was fat and stinky, a right jolly elf,
I laughed in pure terror then I shit on myself;
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon threw up red flags and filled me with dread;
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
Filling all his pockets with money and our stockings with dirt;
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a wink, like a hot air balloon he rose;
He blundered to his sleigh, with his dirty deed done,
And away they all flew with the sound of shots from my gun.
But I heard him exclaim, as he flew out of sight,
"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night."