The past few weeks have been truely wonky for me.
First, I haven't been able to draw my own characters. All I've been able to do, recently, is fanart (I even have a whole folder of FF12 fanart that I haven't uploaded). While, yes, this is wonderful for everyone else, and for perhaps even boosting my popularity as a character artist, it depresses me inwardly. I love drawing Saethryth, and I'd love even more to be able to draw Ygraine and Grandori in a much more skilled fashion.
Secondly, I have had a hard time in the friends department. So far, the only people, in real life, that I can consider my friends anymore are Dani (Who has been with me since I first came back to Pittsburgh, my truest friend), Shaggy (And I rarely even talk to him, anymore, because of who lives with him), and some newer friends who I hardly even know yet. It makes me sad, that every friend I used to know so well has changed and now views me in such horrid ways. It is confusing and painful, in every manner one could thing of.
Third, my RP life has suffered, too. My online life, more like. Being that my real life has been so lacking, what with the change of hearts in so many people, and someone I thought loved me being unable to even keep his pants on, I turned to the internet. Anyone who knows better would say this was a horrid replacement, and I agree it is. A very bad one. But sometimes, some people feel it is all that there is left, and that is how I've felt. In some ways, I am more accepted there, but there are still the people who, like me, have no great real life, but, unlike me, feel the need to take it out on others. Those people who would gladly degrade others for anything in existence, no matter how stupid they sound. Those are what have befallen me. If it had just been them, I would hardly have cared. But they have a tendency to invite their friends to join in on the act, once you've blocked them, and to make multiple other names. Eventually, one's 'block' button gets tired.
And then there's the lack of physical attention. People have always wondered, in real life, why I am so huggy, and clingy. It is because my life of physical attention in my home is more than just lacking; it is nonexistent. And, no matter how much many would disagree, touch and affection is something vital to the human soul, and the lack there of is a very vital cause of depression and hurt. Depression not only leads to suffering mental health, but also degrading physical health...
Which brings me to another wonky part of my past few weeks. This first part has been going on for over three months now, actually, and for those of you who have weaker stomachs, skip this paragraph.
I took a birth control, three+ months ago, mainly to get rid of the crippling cramps I suffer during the first three days of my menstrual cycle, and also to decrease the insane bleeding I have. But, you know what? It didn't work. What it did was cause me to bleed continuously for these past months, at times heavy, at other times lightly. It has also caused random pants in my stomach that have caused me, on more than one occasion, a risk to my life. A few times, I have fallen, or nearly fallen, down stairs from these cramps, once almost drowned in a pool. Other times these will just leave me curled in a corner. It has also made me very weak, very easily tired, irritable, dizzy when I try to stand; I have a deficiency in Iron, more than likely.
To the less stomach curdling of my physical problems, my teeth, where they have gotten fillings, are insanely painful, whenever I go to eat anything that is other than my simple body temperature. It is even worse, eating a warm meal, and drinking lukewarm water. Horrid. My eyes have been failing, often seeming to have a white fog over my vision, sometimes having double vision. I've gone back to wearing regular glasses, in hopes that might help, but it just seems to make me even dizzier. I have constant headaches, and even moving around from sitting here at my computer to sitting on my couch, merely five feet away, causes me pulsating, unbearable pain. My ears constantly hurt.
I've been unable to sleep through the night, either, constantly staying up well into the morning hours, past when my parents wake up to go to work. Obviously, they are unhappy with me for this, and constantly seem condescending when they speak to me of this. Which just makes my overall mood even worse.
All in all, I just seem to be spiraling downward, plummeting in to a blackness of ill health, and bad communications.
I can guarantee that half the people who even bother to read this will automatically label me as an emo, and complainer.
If you are one of those, please don't even bother commenting, or speaking. I don't need more bullshit.
...Blah, and I fizzel out.
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