For so many years I prayed, each night asking God to protect and care for my Baby Sister and mother. Your happiness, health and security in life my only request. And each night, I reminded God that I would gladly and without complaint lay down my life or make any sacrifice if only you could have a life where the laughter outweigh the tears, the love and joy exceed the hardship and sorrows.
Instead, you have been taken away from this world in one awful moment. And when they came to my house to tell me that you were gone, how I refused to believe... how I still can not believe... "No! Not my baby sister. It can't be. Please God - take me instead!"
I would do anything...
You were my sidekick for so many years... No sibling rivalry - I had wanted a baby sister for so long and finally a week before my 9th birthday you were born! I was so eager to show you everything out there in the big world (and show you off to everyone!) As soon as you were old enough, I bought a baby-seat for the back of my ten-speed and off we rode! What a sight we must have been - me a skinny 10, 11, 12 year old with you, a chubby little doll, strapped in behind me, cruising around the neighborhood.
Later, there were many times mom worked late and you would come to work with me;
* Sitting atop a 20 ft tall stack of chairs at ServiceMerchandise...and...
* Riding down the conveyor belt in a box...and surprising customers when you jumped out.
* Long drives in my Integra - Skyline Blvd.-Hwy 1-Redwood Rd.- you stood up thru the moonroof, wind in your hair.
* Trick or Treating
* Staying up past your bedtime using our "secret code" song...
* Letting you cut school so we could see a free 'Sugar Ray' concert @ Macy's Square SanFrancisco...
* Pho..
* Great America...
* Ice Blocking...
* Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk - Your first real rollercoaster ride...
You wanted to chicken out, but I called your bluff, "If you won't go on this ride we'll just go home right now."
I was bluffing. I wouldn't be so cruel. But we were on that coaster, and we had one of the best times ever. You've loved thrill rides ever since.
* Taco salad - 'Jamba Juice' - Copymat
* 'Easter Eggs' - Mini Snickers bars hidden in the freezer for you to find.
.... My only shred of consolation when, during your memorial, your best friend Johanna told the story of your tattoo *L*I*V*E* ...
"Why 'LIVE'?", she asked? You exclaimed, "I love my life!"...
It was your philosophy and reminder - you lived your life to the fullest each day, and encouraged everyone around you to do the same.
It doesn't hurt any less, my heart is still broken into a thousand pieces, my life still has a black streak painted down the center, and I wish every day that God would take me instead of you...
But it is a tiny consolation that you, in your short and vibrant experience on this earth, were happy.
You DID have love, you DID have joy, you were wise beyond your years and knew the value of each day - not waiting for some happy tomorrow while sacrificing the present.
Did I ever tell you how proud of you I am? I know I did.
But I admire you too.
Always my baby sister, but also a beautiful young lady. I love you with all my heart, Lindsay.
I hate to think of a future where I must tell my children someday of an Auntie that they will never know. You were so wonderful and loving with children. How am I supposed to do this?
Oh, Miha... I can't fix this, this time.
If there is some way that I have overlooked, please give me a sign, and make it soon. So many hopes washed away by a river of tears. Each day so heavy with the burden of sorrow. I am resentful of a God who has chosen to mock my prayers.
I can only hope that you did not suffer. I can only hope that death came before you knew what had happened, before you felt any pain. Please know that you are not alone. Your smile and sweetness and life have touched so many.
There was standing-room only at your memorial.
You will never be forgotten.
Always my sister. Xoxoxo
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