I've been dashing all around the years, and it's like a puzzle I can't figure out. A puzzle that drinks and has serious problems with women.
First, I went back to 1991 and tried to convince Izzy from quitting... but then Slash disappeared. For weeks. I'd just lost him. Turns out he was just sleeping--for WEEKS.
So then I went back to 1989 and tried to get the idea of putting out 2 double LP's ("Use Your Illusion I and II"). I thought that maybe if I got them to do something less ambitious... anyway, it didn't work. They just kept recording and re-recording cover albums and piano solos. It was a mess.
I tried to simply help that 2002 MTV Music Awards "re-emergence," but I just made everyone get in a fight. Literally, everyone. Jimmy Fallon can take a punch, and Kurt Loder has not been the same since getting chop-blocked by Buckethead's guitar. At one point I actually tried to prevent James Hetfield from catching fire onstage (thereby allowing Metallica to continue playing that show in Montreal, 1992, and thereby staving off a riot)... but it can't be done! No matter what I try, he can't help but burst into flames.
In a last ditch effort, I even tried to simply help Axl and Stephanie Seymour maintain their relationship--at least I could save the "Illusion Video Trilogy," right? But while I was doing that, Duff went hang gliding and accidentally destroyed a civil rights demonstration. This did not help their image, so I went back to 1985 to nip it all in the bud and just mellow them out... thereby ruining "Appetite For Destruction." You haven't heard sucking until you've heard a laid-back version of "Night Train."
So, I'm sorry music fans. I can't do it. They're beyond my help. It's like herding cats trying to get these guys focused. Tattooed, angry, maladjusted cats.
Anyway... maybe I'll just go back and make sure I stop buying G'n'R albums after "Lies." That might be the simplest way.